All in 1 hour

I just came home from a Focus Group I was involved in for the CNMG (Caribbean News Media Group). It was actually a focus group on behalf of the CNMG, carried out by an Advertising and Market Research company. It was short and sweet and pretty much an example of what I want to do in the future regarding my carrer...@ least a stepping stone. Interesting huh? I really appreciated getting the opportunity to participate.

Here are some things I learnt:

• I don't listen to a huge range of radio stations (cept 95.1, 93.5 & 97.1)
• I don't have any concept of favorite brands of clothing (@ least not for myself, I can quicker pick up my fav. clothes on guys :p)
• I really do have a more extensive articulate vocabulary than I thought I did
• I really am 'more thought, less talk' when I'm not yet comfortable with ppl
• The non Bsc. program students are... hmmm... 'young'? Despite similar ages. Today reminded me of being back in a High School (cept it'll be co'ed)
• School feels incomplete without 'the gang'
• A lot of ppl don't know what 'blogging' means
• Working for a Marketing & Research agency really needs objectivity & fast writing skills & remembering names :p
  

Isn't it sweet to just give a factual/opinionated day to day account kinda blog? No strange deep thoughts ae!

Impetus

So... I may need continuity...need a drive, a reason, a season, a mindset, help, reassurance, momentum!!! and in it all...

"Let our powers combine! Earth! Fire! Wind! Water! Heart! By your powers combined, I am Captain Planet! GO PLANET! " :D yay!!!!

Ok ok, maybe not, BUT, with these factors combined I have my Impetus... & I'll keep riding this wave towards the shore of success. It won't be easy of course...but I can see where I'm going & I want to get there.

What do you think? ... I revisit

The human mind is most amazing considering the ease to which our own fundamental views and values can be twisted, blurred and downright manipulated to validate the decision of any passing action or thought, that upon reflection, gets swept away with yet another passing moment in time... never consciously noted but almost always that sort after instigator for future trials and burdens.

We often stop and wonder... regret. Yet we never indulge any form of masochism to face the truth ... and that is, we have been, still are and always will be the the most active player in any game we find ourselves in...rather, any game we design and build around us.

The great dual burden of emotions and high intelligence was singular to humankind, and it was what made life so hard; you were always thinking about what you were feeling instead of just going with the moment, or you were always trying to feel what you think you should feel in a given situation. Thoughts and judgment were inevitable colored by emotions - some of them on a subconscious level, so you didn't even entirely understand why you made certain decisions, acted in certain ways. Emotions clouded your thinking; but thinking to hard of your feelings took the edge off them"

Dean Koontz. - Midnight - pg 193

1:42am

1:42am

I have an exam in a few hours & I somehow chose to rise from my deep sleep, drift downstairs & sit in the dark cold kitchen. I don't like how I'm feeling tonight...

1:44am

Maybe I'll have me some cake

Sweet Honestly

If a comment falls on deaf ears
clogged & cleared from all those years
It was because I found what I feared I would
when I sank in disbelief that I actually could
I smile with no reservations now you see
and this in itself brings sadness to me
'cuz I wonder & hope that one day we'll be there
and it's this very expectation that brings me fear
I will say nothing more, for now at least
for the smile on my face refuse to cease
*sigh* :)

I am becoming my own library

Here are some new books I bought during Summer Vacation this year:

• I never promised you a rose garden - Joanne Greenberg
• Mr. Murder - Dean Koontz
• Frankenstein Bk1 The Prodigal Son - Dean Koontz
• Frankenstein Bk2 City of Night - Dean Koontz
• She's come undone - Wally Lamb
• Deception Point - Dan Brown
• Lasher - Anne Rice (Mayfair Witch series)
  
• Taltos - Anne Rice (Mayfair Witch series)
• The Witching Hour - Anne Rice (Mayfair Witch series)
• The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
• Memoirs of a Geisha - Author Golden
• The curious incident of the dog in the nighttime - Mark Haddon
• Forever Odd - Dean Koontz
  
• The Husband - Dean Koontz
• Freakonomics, A rougue economist explores the hidden side of everything - Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner
• The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty - A. N. Roquelaure Anne Rice

Plus these three I bought earlier today:

Would you eat your unborn?

Lemme start by saying that there's a slight possibility you may find the following a bit disturbing... I know I sure did.

As I lay on bed last night, trying my best to fall asleep, the most absurd string of thoughts came into my mind.

'Hams or Egg's' - According the latest episode of Grey's Anatomy. You can either be the Ham or the Egg, the Pig or the Chicken.

The Egg is layed by a chicken...the egg is indeed a chicken waiting to be born. And we, human beings, take those eggs that a chicken laboured to produce, we take those babies, crack open their shell and EAT THEM! We actually eat the offspring of another animal...just like that! When I thought about, I couldn't help but turn the senario around. What would it be like if some creature out there was to extract the womb of a pregnant woman, tear it open and eat everything inside. Throw in the featus, amniotic fluid and ofcourse the placenta, into a pot with onions, salt and blackpepper, flip it over to make sure it's cooked on both sides and offer it up on a plate to be eaten. It's simple evoloution for you to see. In seeing that image in your mind, how can someone actually eat eggs?

Sigh...I donno. The strangest things come to my mind around 3am when I can't sleep

Rainbows & Good Mornings

Today... I saw the most beautiful rainbow I've ever seen in my entire life!!! A huge complete perfect arch of ROYGBIV. I was going up the highway around 7am in the drizzling rain and it was as if time stopped and everything seemed inconsequential to the marvel and beauty of something so amazing. But here's the icing on the cake! It wasn't just one rainbow...but two rainbows...one above the other! Absoloutly stunning! I don't think I'll ever see something like that again.

I made personal history today when I reached to school so early that it wasn't even open! We had to wait for the dude to open the gate to drive in, then the other gate to walk in. I was one of 2 students to be in school @ that hour - 7:30am. I was the only person in the whole office as well... sitting there in the still darkness lol. What a day!

I don't wanna say too much, but you have no idea how amazing it felt to look up the stairs and see what I saw. *sigh* :)

Now I just want to find my bed and curl up with a pillow :)

Life know what it was doing...

Everything happens for a reason. Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end.

Wow! I thank you so much for everything. The foundation was being laid down all this time, and we never knew... it was all for now. I may have cried and may have frowned...but I have never been happier than today. And you knew it. You knew it even before I did.
But now I know. Now we know.

Yuh know, life really does have a way of turning out just the way it was ment to be. I am so glad I don't have ctrl over all things, cuz I never would have been where I am today.

What a day! Did I ever mention I love nice smelling cologne? wow

Did I really just do that?

I needed to charge my cell phone and dad being the one who actually likes charging phones on a nightly basis, was given the responsibility to do so (thanks dad!) For security sakes *ahem*, I’m gonna leave out the exact number, but as of lately, we have a lotttt of cell phones in this house, and thus, a lotttt of chargers. Thankfully for me, my cell charger was the only one not black! It’s white… you can’t miss it! And somehow, we all did. For the life of me, no one in this family seems to know where my poor cell phone charger disappeared too ?

So last night we’re looking around at every plug outlet, behind boxes and in then, under chairs and on them but to no avail. Then, the simplest most logical thought pattern formed in my head, and I even went as far as saying it out loud “Aye dad, why don’t we just search for it!” Now can you imagine the looks I got after saying that? (like..umm…what do you think we’re doing?) Then reality struck me! Somewhere in my warped little mind ? the next logical step was to bring up ‘start – search’ and type in ‘charger’.

This is no joke my friends! I actually honestly mixed up the world of reality and computer land!

I know this happens to other people, it can’t just be me (right?)



PS: The charger is still to be found

Disconnected

It's quater past eleven and I'm just coming to terms with an incredible feeling of disconnection.

My dialup connection has died. My Yahoo, Hotmail and most importantly, my Gmail cannot be signed into...so I can't recieve or send any email. My MSN cannot be signed into, no matter what connection setting or proxy setting I try. And tonite, to add salt to my 'wounds' - my cell phone goes whack. Some calls not getting trough and most dropping and worst yet, my text messaging stopped working.

I called in TSTT and they no longer have the authority to reactivate post-paid accounts via telephone, so I'll have to go into an office when I can.

A lot of ppl will say the obvious "thats good, just learn to be with urself and go sleep or something. Read a book, write a poem, pray...something" This I could and prolly would do. I've spent the last 19 months doing exactly that, and one month back in the game, getting this distanced by force just gave me a lil panic inside. Thats the major reason. Then there's the fact that I actually want to communicate with certain ppl rite now. Hmmmm... Interesting

My babe misses me tooo... & I miss her. She told me yesterday that she feels so disconnected from me since I'm no longer on msn and trying the ebuddy thing. Now I really understand how she feels. But, I take solace in knowing that each moment is just that, a moment. Everything will be fine

I'm glad I expressed this...however silly & "TMI" it may sound, I really am Glad I did. It was more for me than.... But thanks for reading :)

What's in a lie?

Wow... it looks like every other person is coming down with some flu or the next. I caught a bit of it myself, but it's more like a stomach bug. My tummy feels funny still. Week 4 of me being 'back to school' has come to and end today. 1 month has passed already. I'd like to say I made some new friends. As time goes by we will see, but I know this so far, there is at least one or two I am looking fwd to getting to know better.

Sooo... have you ever wondered how easy it to lie without telling an untruth? Lie in the sense that you know you're misleading a person, though you did state the truth. It's all in the context... or omission. I donno, maybe I'm just sensitive to these things, or I want to be. I've said it sooo many times before and I'll say it again: it’s amazing what you can do with the English language.

Oh wait...
Example 1:
You're out liming with some friends and your mom calls and asks what you're doing and you say "Oh, I'm just drinking and smoking and making out with some random guy & gurl, yuh know, d usuals". Now it's up to her if she believes you or not. And more than usual, she won't. You're just kidding... yea rite...just tease your old momma. BUT hey! You just might be doing exactly that!!! You didn't lie, but you knew she wouldn't believe you anyway (who in their right mind really does tell their parents when they're doing something like that and is actually serious about it??!) Anyways, this is just an old technique I discovered a few years aback. How's that for an example? lol

Example 2:
Person 1: "yuh going home right?"
Person 2: "yea yea, laterz"
Person 1: Aight, I'll call

Reality - Person 2 drops in by Tom, Dick & Harry and a Roti shop before reaching home 8 hrs later. After all, he didn’t say he was going home NOW.

Anywaysssss... So yea. Lying without telling an untruth. Lying through deception and omission of facts. I'm sure we all did it. I'm not so sure how many of us know it, or even feel guilty bout it. But in the court of law, a play on words never stands up. Just imagine the possibilities, the literalness and be aware that sometimes, some people aren't being vague, sarcastic or funny... they're actually telling the truth, and we just don't know it.

Being Twenty Something

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared. You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all. You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure.

You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe you can love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

----

I got this in an email and decided to check it out online to find the original source. Seems that this piece of writing has passed from blog to blog and website to website as we young people felt urged to post it and pass it along. And now, I find myself doing the same... But in my books, upon reflection, these are really the best years of our lives... it's all in how you make it (even in your head).

My Reminder

I felt terribly confused and conflicted and I really didn't like feeling that way. It leads to hurt, anger and resentment. I then thought about an entry I once posted about 'typical irrational beliefs' because one or two of the statements were applying to me at the moment... if only I can find it, read it and remind myself once again. As I came online, I decided to just click back into my archives for October 2005... just to see what was up in the mind of Tunks exactly a year from now. And there it was!!! The very same entry that had crossed my mind last night and the only entry made on that Month. But I know why...

I would like to re-post it, both for myself and anyone who may need to read it once again.

TYPICAL IRRATIONAL BELIEFS

We must be loved by everyone and everyone must approve of everything we do.

We must be thoroughly competent, adequate, intelligent, and achieving in all possible respects.

Certain acts are wrong or wicked or villainous, and people who perform them should be severely punished.

It is a terrible catastrophe when things are not as we would like them to be.

Unhappiness is the result of external events and happenings that are focused on us and that we have no control over.

We should be greatly concerned about dangerous and fearful things and must center our thinking on them until the danger has passed.

It is easier to avoid difficulties and responsibilities in life than to face them.

We need someone or something stronger than ourselves to rely on.

Because something greatly influenced us in the past, it must determine our present behavior: the influence of the past cannot be overcome.

What other people do is vitally important to us, and we should make every effort to change them to be the way we think they should be.

There is one perfect solution to every problem, and if it is not found, the results will be terrible.

One has virtually no control over her emotions; she is their victim and cannot help how she feels.

I'll keep reading 'till I get it right

I've been thinking - Am I reading the signs correctly, or am I reacting to how I think I want them to be, and how I feel?

We are constantly engaged in modifying our perception of each other and indeed ourselves. However, many of our interactions are guided by our awareness of how the other individual ought to behave if he is what we assume or believe him to be. First, we classify each other and then act towards one another in a way they regard as being appropriate, though they may have also modified their behavior as a result of changes in the basis of the interaction of misunderstandings of the symbols they are using.

Symbolic Interactionism - Am I misunderstanding the symbols? I’m just being precautious by brainstorming all the possibilities, and there in comes my cognition. Well you know the saying ‘once bitten, twice shy’

I like being okie

I can't remember the last time I just logged into blogger.com and started to write something, without an incling of an idea as to what I'm gonna say. This is one such moment.

"Keep smiling in the face of adversity". For some reason that statement has popped into my mind. If it's one thing I've heard over the years, is that I always have a smile or glow about me, that distracts from anything being wrong. Like I've said before, maybe it's only my eyes that give me away... or those rare moments when I don't even try to smile, cuz otherwize smiling comes so natrually.

I smiled a lot today. I pause now in my writing, thinking of an explaination I could share. But I've come to realize, I don't need a reason to smile. I don't need a reason for a feeling of happiness to be logically spelled out infront of me. There comes a point in our lives, where you can't help but appreciate... where happiness is only a smile away... and where life, with its ups and especially it's downs, really is a joy and wonder!!! Food for the soul.

Monday

Sunday is over. Thank Goodness!

Yesterday we were plagued with the 'cleaning syndrome'... Eid and Divali is coming up this weekend and I'm sure countless households have been inflected with this 'Cleaning syndrome' as well. Now, I had no intentions of being contaminated, so I stayed away from all such activities. To be honest, I'm really lucky I came out unscathed (so far)

I stayed up really late last night trying to finish some home work for Sociology. It really is a lot of reading, thinking and of course, writing. Actually, I've never studied this subject before in my life, so technically, it's a lot of learning, in the true sense of the word. Anyways, I eventually got fed up with all the writing (seeing as I can never write as fast as my mind is thinking) and just typed out all my answers instead. Ah well, but that's done as well, and I couldn't be happier. Despite falling asleep around 4am, I still managed a sweet, deep, solid 8 hrs sleep :) It's always a nice feeling waking up, without an alarm, knowing your body has been fully rested and rejuvenated for a new day. And a new day it is!

Come to think of it... my entries are becoming more like that of the old Tunks... but with less Trini slang. This style is dipping into my 2003 archives where I was generally happier with fewer responsibilities outside of the academic world. I may not have fewer responsibilities now, but I have a different mindset and reorganized priorities than I did over the last 3 years. Some changes, though greatly resisted, really are good for us. But don't worry, I'll mix it up.

The Director in all of us

Once I don't immediately fall asleep, once I hit the bed, my day starts replaying itself in my head. I know this happens to almost everyone... We are bound to reflect on the events of the day from time to time, more so at night when the day is about to end (according to the grand old scheme of time). When the night comes, and my body is at rest and my mind is trying to shift through all the thoughts to get to that nice quiet place where everything goes blank and sleep takes over, that's when the movie begins!

I'm the director, the actor and everyone else in between. I replay the events of the day and I keep finding myself changing them. Changing the circumstances, the scenarios, the scenes. I cut out what I don't like and add in something new. I play each event over and over using different actions and evaluating the consequences. I find myself refining them to the point where I see them as perfect... as how I wish it was or would be. Sometimes I can get lost during all this role play and the disappointment of bringing reality back to the facts is undeniable. This is why I hate doing this.

It's something I've always done...it’s like a part of life. When I catch myself in the directors’ seat, I immediately snap myself back. This also applies to this little philosophy I came up with, that is, once I think about something... fantasize about how I want a scenario to play out in the future, it is then that it's almost sure never to happen. It's almost as if I think I’m jinxing myself. If you picture the perfect scene in your mind, even in its objective imperfection, you create the dialogue, circumstances and reactions... then you know that it will never be. Unless you're beyond psychic. I'm not sure if I'm explaining this properly... it has nothing to do when it comes to positive thinking in setting goals and so on, it's just down to the detailed basics. Think about it. It's after 1 in the morning. I've just done some school work the night before a public holiday and the beginning of a 5 day long weekend for me. I should get some sleep. Happy reading folks...Enjoy the holiday and rest well.

Lucid

How did I feel today?
I wish I could find a word to describe it.
All I know is that it's just like my pre-actions.
I couldn't sleep last night. Today I arrived to class an entire hour early... but something in me was not right at all. I was overheating, heart racing and breathing difficult. I couldn't focus while conversing and kept rambling on with a friend. I decided I needed to get out of class before it began and get some fresh air...or something.

Turns out my feelings weren't exclusive to me... I've discovered an Empath in someone. I didn't really think about how I felt until approached and questioned...and I knew to myself, that if concern was continued, I would break. I didn't know how I felt. I didn't know how to express it... but I would have either cried or laughed or both.

This feeling got worst throughout my classes. Oddly enough, I managed to keep proper focus, attentive and responsive... It wasn't even an effort...my mind was working perfectly fine. I needed a focus and a chance to stay silent. Zone. It was just the emotional churning inside I couldn't put my finger on. My eyes glazed with tears. At times I had to hold my breath and bow my head to regain composure. I didn't trust what my facial expressions would betray. I would just smile to what looked like a private joke.

So I channeled and captured. 6 seconds.
In short, emotionally I felt like someone died but mentally everything made perfect sense

I predict this will continue for the next 7-10 days.

Excuse me Miss...

When we were younger most of us tried looking or sounding older than we were and we basked in the joy of knowing that someone thinks that. I'm sure everyone went through a period like that.Years down the road, the opposite is true. We want to look younger than we really are. It’s kinda like a never ending battle.

I've always enjoyed being the young one. I still do. In my family, immediate and extended and also in my classes throughout my academic life, I've always been one of the young ones, but that’s only by age. People almost always think I'm older than I am. Back in form 1, some people thought I was doing CXC..and mind you I was just 11 years old.

Over the past 2 years or so, I see a reoccurring pattern developing, where people keep assuming I'm 'a person in authority' depending on the gathering or occasion. In UWI I was mistaken as being a tutor but by just fellow students, but by tutors themselves. My first day of SBCS, and one of my lecturers thought I was a fellow lecturer. And now today, at a private course I'm doing...of a class of 12, I was the 2nd youngest (one being 19yo), yet for some strange reason a few of the students thought that I'm a teacher in SJC San'do (my Alma Mata). If people meeting me for the 1st time were to look at me and guess my profession (which I've had happen to me a few times), they either pin down 'teacher or works in a bank' - just from my looks. Why is that? Is it the way I dress...my short hair? My face? Mannerism? And why do they think I'm engaged? I don't wear a engagement ring? Hmmm...

I don't want to look older anymore. I like being young. I'm still Twenteen for God's sake!

Where's that unassuming student?

I've tasted the freedom associated with non-expectation. It was bitter sweet, but I liked it.

This morning was my last class for this week, marking this one of countless weeks ahead of me here in SBCS. I think I like it here. In 3 days I've managed to talk to all my lecturers (one of whom works with my mom and another who actually tutored me back in UWI). I've talked to other members of the staff administration section (one turned out to be my 'neighbour' and the other I bounced up on Hi5) and of course the two IT guys who were friends from before. I really didn't anticipate how much comfort there is in seeing familiar faces, especially in staff. So much for my cry of regression and shyness. I guess I'm really not an introvert. But I choose to be at times.

It rained pretty much all day. It was wet and muddy all around with the construction going on and exceptionally cold in that air conditioned classroom. I must carry a jacket next time! Now add these circumstances to trying to reach to school for 8am and it's a perfect excuse for wanting to take a day off. If iknew I would be spending an entire hour doing pure maths in an econ class, I just might have stayed in bed! But I'm a good student hehehe

I stared at someone today, not as much as I would like to though. I'm still left wondering... Don't worry... It's covert and I'll find an opportunity to stare again.

Note: Thanks for the reply. I really missed that.

The Transference & School

We've all heard of love circles. Like the ones that sprung from the genius mind of Shakespeare for example. But until now, I have never seen the true transference of what is felt by one for another, being felt by that other, but focused on another direction. Makes sense? Prolly not.

You prolly said before "He would never understand how I feel!" and God Forbid that he does...'cuz it's not for you. Talk about Irony! But in silence...

This carbon copied transference is so real it's almost tangible. And I could feel it.

How do I feel? Am I feeling or thinking? Ok ok fine...I'm doing both. I'm on the observing end of my own being replicated. And I nurse my shocks.

Anyways, today was the first day of classes for me. I am one making up the first class doing the Full Time program at SBCS South branch. It's a fresh start for both Institution and Student. It's a new beginning for this school, as it is for me. It's work in progress for us both as well. Maybe we can reach completion in sync. I really look fwd to it.

Welcome back Tunks

Today, October 2nd 2006 is offically the last day of my health induced personal vacation. 19 months of medical leave from academics, social life and everything inbetween has come to an end. 19 months of hybernation and hiding has come to an end. 19 months of living hour by hour, day by day, has come to and end. This 19 month cut off mark was one of compromise and self determination rather than the health stamp of 100% better!

As classes begin, I am now more determined than ever to do my best, with a greater appreciation of what's important and what's not.

My 2nd lease on life will not slip by silently.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Yesterday I posted:

It's pouring rain...the wrong-side kinda rain that makes you either disoriented or peacefully lost.

Today I post:

I'm afraid of him
Admitting it is the first step.
I just wanna reach the end where I'm not afriad and don't care anymore.
Fear really messes up the decision making process.

But as Bas Luhrman said: Dont worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum....

And ofcourse ...Do one thing everyday that scares you...

I'm gonna have to take his advice... for my own sake.

Lose Control

Mary had a lamb
his eyes black as coal
if we play very quiet, my lamb
Mary never has to know...

- Evanescence

Let's step outside for a moment

I could step outside myself and sometimes things could look so simple. The world suddenly becomes black and white again and all my shades of grey were just self imposed by-products of circumstantial perception. If I look at the tube long enough, or sit behind a book long enough or even skip through the meadows of my mind long enough, everything will slowly but surely just become so very simple.

I can be so reckless with perfect reason, and that is, because there is none. But 'can' is just a word of possibilities...

Which is our reality? and where does my sanity lie...?

The Answer...

I find myself in conflict when having to answer certain simple everyday questions.

Question: So you like going out? Like the outdoors?

Answer: hmmm (big pause...and so this entry begins)

How do I answer? What do I base my answer on?
Do I love being indoors or do I love being indoors because I have to be?

My mind tries to differentiate between my lifestyle and desires. They're aren't exactly in sync. So I try to remember... I look back to the days when I wasn't ill...or I try to imagine how things will be now if I wasn't... and then my answer changes. I love being outside...I love rolling in the grass and running around and climbing trees and walking aimlessly looking at and observing everything. I love just sitting outside sprawled on the ground with a book or a pad and pencil. I love going for jogs and riding a bicycle around. I love going to meet people and see places. I love the outdoors ... I just don't do any of the above. Not anymore... not as yet...

It seems as if I make the life I have to live, the life I want to live...

My answer ends there, but the desire goes on....

Who turned on the light?

I decided to go to bed earlier than usual last night...that being before 3am preferably. I came offline by 1am and after reading a bit I took off the bed lamb, covered with my blanket and was asleep shortly after 2am. About an hour later I become aware... not of anything really, just the fact that I was aware. I was cold... shivering. I was still wrapped from chin to toe in my blanket yet I was shivering. My skin was super sensitive... it hurt just to feel. It was like having a high fever. I was aware of all this... and began twisting and turning wrapping myself more into a fetal position, clenching my pillows...anything to not feel so cold and sensitive. I remember turning from side to side, moaning even, but not being able to awake. I was fighting now to open my eyes but I was still trapped in that semi conscious state. The last thing I remember was me tossing and turning with the blanket wrapped around me, then just blank! Nothing. The perfect equivalent to deep sleep. And as if no time had passed, or maybe an eternity, I woke up with a sensation of rising out of water and finally being able to breath. There was an overwhelming bright light keeping me from opening my eyes, but when I did, I realized it was my bed head florescent lamp, on, and shining directly on me, inches away. I reached above and turned it off and rolled over. There I found my blanket tossed to the side, albeit neatly, perfectly stretched out from the head to the foot of the bed in a rippled fold. I reached over to my cell phone, put it on and saw that it was now 6:20am. How did the light come on? when? who? I knew I took it off, I remember taking it off. All these questions raced through my mind, all colliding with each other in a blurry mess appropriate for the state of thinking upon waking. I felt as if I had jus woken from medicated sleep. The kind where you dream nothing and remember nothing. I sat on the edge of the bed and unconsciously moved my hand to an itch on my knee. Looking down, I noticed there was a little scrape, a bump and some dried blood. Then a flash of a similar incident came to me...maybe from last night, maybe from night before... but I remembered waking in the middle of the night scratching an itch thinking it was a mosquito bite. It was raised in a most peculiar fashion but the seduction of sleep was more than enough for me to succumb to a non-thinking state again. Shaking the image, I got up, went to the bathroom, walked back to bed looking at the lamp in wonder once again, and just went back to sleep...for 7 more hours.

I'm still here

People come in and out of your life. Some just to help you with a problem or put you on the right path...some to teach you some life lessons through inevitable hurt and dissapointment and then there are others who will be there for you during that hurt and happy times. As it goes, people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do. I've 'lost' people... and somehow it feels okie. I've been lost to people as well...and I can only hope it's okie with them. Is it enough to hold on for a lifetime just through memories and desire?

No Man's an Island

No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as any manner of thy friends or of thine own were; any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind. And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.

John Donne

I believe this piece of prose has the ability to touch anyone who really reads it.