The simplicity of a complicated mind

I realize that as each day passes, I make mental notes of what I'd like to say here. It's like having a little computer in my head where reality takes it's own little twist. But the longer I wait...the harder it becomes.

I once said and I quote:

The human mind is most amazing considering the ease to which our own fundamental views and values can be twisted, blurred and downright manipulated to validate the decision of any passing action or thought, that upon reflection, gets swept away with yet another passing moment in time... never consciously noted but almost always that sort after instigator for future trials and burdens.

We often stop and wonder... regret. Yet we never indulge any form of machocism to face the truth ... and that is, we have been, still are and always will be the the most active player in any game we find ourselves in...rather, any game we design and build around us.

Little flower - you make me happy

Living in Trinidad, I'm sure we all must have seen the Ixora Flowers, if not in your own yard, then in the neighbor's down the street. Red, pink, yellow and white... yupp, those are the colors. From a distance, an Iroxa hedge can take the form of an entire walled passageway of vibrant Colour, with thick masses clustered together. And it is this site which we revere as the Ixora.

As a child growing up, I've always had the opportunity to 'hold a flower in your hand' while we said prayers etc. Being as bored as a child can get, I took it upon myself to make that simple little cluster of flowers as interesting and intriguing as can possibly be. That is when I first stumbled upon....

I plucked out one tiny little 4 petal flower from the bunch, and noticed that IN that flower, was something that looked identical to the flower itself, but even smaller. Steering through the flower from the bottom up, I saw what looked like the 'stem' of the other little flower. (stigma, filament, whatever it was called then, I didn't know) I got a hold of that between my fingers...and I pulled it out... very very slowly. The head of it gently scooped out the entire length of the inside of the flower, and from the base...there it was. Out popped a tiny, barely visible droplet of sweet nectar. The taste however, wow, the little piece of sensory pleasure I can't describe... But you can imagine the amount of those I 'ate' back then? I think however I felt guilty of stealing the flower's 'sweetness' and eventually stopped.

What does all this have to do with anything? In my next entry I'll have to explain. But until then, ask yourself, how honestly do you really and truly appreciate the little things. No cliché intended my friends. Physically and otherwise, I really mean the LITTLE supposedly insignificant things in life?

Sad Beauty

'Incomplete' drawing of a face by Tunks :)

This one's for you bro!

This the day... 22 years ago - I know my mother was in pain. She speaks about it still in fact, I mean, which mother can ever forget the labor of her first born? But the joy that day brought, not only to my parents but to myself is never-ending...

The memories

Being rolled into a mat and rolled down the stairs. Being tied to the chair and left to loose myself. Being placed inside a basket and then turned upside down. Being forever chased with some gross object or creature around the house. Being teased of my height and locked out the house when I couldn't REACH to get the keys!

But then again, I was the more mischievous of the two ;)

It was this day 22 yrs ago that gave me someone to beat up :) To jump on. To run around school and harass. To take half of whatever was being eaten or shared, even if I didn't really want it. To blame things on that mysteriously went missing or broken. To take out my frustrations on ...... But this day also gave me someone to look up to. Someone to show off to all my girlfriends :) Someone to look out for me. Someone to help me with my (till this day) mental block against all things mathematics. Someone to poke and pinch when in places of worship when I got bored and the folks were busy with their eyes closed. Someone to confide in. But most of all someone to love unconditionally as my one and only sibling for the rest of my life!

To my bigger brother ---> Who doesn't look like me anymore plz thank you and though we have lots in common, can be called the opposite to his sister...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

*** :) ***

Can you know nothing?

Last night I went to bed absolutely transformed from how I felt a few hours before.

I had pulled in my oars and sent up my sails and drifted quite nicely with my selective social interactions. I freed my mind to wittiness, $hit talk and the all round hyped feel good bacchanal of a carefree Trini. I did this however with my conscience as my own private invigilator which nonetheless brought me back to this point...Where I thought to myself, 'I'm tired again, It's time to stop'.

I won't call it volatility or even skitso, it's just me allowing myself to be me. And the 'me' I speak of, is nothing or no one you can encase in a box. I've moved and jumped and merged from aspect to aspect of my personality all within the realm of how far my conscience can take me. Yet I've come to realize, this is what I prefer - The stillness, silence, deep in thought with so many questions of a child or classic brainstormer yet having it all merge into a general peaceful acceptance of life as a learning and growing experience, marked by time.

It makes me wonder though. I have loved deeply before, cared deeply as well. Desired and hoped for so much...yet in the end I had to stand back to accept the reality that the extent of and sincerity of my feelings and points of view, has little impact in assuring that another person will ever know or recognize what seems so clear to me.

It all comes back down to the girl who sits with a pure heart burning with intention. She sighs deeply for all the love she received yet hadn't at the time really understood it's worth; for all the misunderstood good intentions of others and the bad; for those countless moments spent in self turmoil when a moment passed meant an intensity decreased and last but not least, for all those who felt like her, at the mercy of her doings.

And as quickly as I stop to express this, as quickly as this will seize to exist.

I walk alone

I can't take this anymore
and i'm almost pretty sure
i've been here before
i can't take this any longer
i won't heal until i'm stronger
strong enough to not be afraid
of what anybody thinks
of what anybody says
about the way
about the way i am
so i'll wait until the day
when those feelings fade away
then i'll make my break

I guess you had to step away
to make me want to be
a bigger man, a bigger man than that
i need you by my side
as i take it all in stride
I put away, i put away my pride

so i leave it up to you
i leave it in your hands
respect your wishes and your demands
but if it was up to me.....

everbody and everything i've known
never taught me how to stand up on my own
had to learn it from the one who let me go
now i walk alone

Selected lyrics from Olenader's I walk alone
..........

A dusted mind of books

I've been spending quite a lot of time reading 'The Rice Mother' by Rani Manicka. At this moment, the book is lying peacefully on my bed with a mere 8 pages to be devoured before I can call it a killing. Gosh...despite the circumstances, I'm really enjoying this read. So different. So real. So raw.

As I stopped to recognize my utilization of passing moments in drugged sleep and reading, my mind was lurched backward 10 years ago, to visions of me, so clear and crisp that I can almost smell it. Back to the days of a 9 year old, going on 10...

I was in Std. 5, a year ahead of the rest, having written Common Entrance early. I remember privately meeting with some teachers about the prospect of starting a school library. The idea was all well and honorable, except for the infamous problem of space. I don't know exactly how it happened, but before I knew it, in a whirlwind of passing days, there I was sitting on a ducted tapped box full of books, passing cloth over what seemed like inches of dust...steering at what became, the beginning of Grant School's first library.

It was nothing more than a corridor behind the school stage and the wall ...leading to the Principal's office. A mere 5 feet wide ...with one long shelf of books and myself sitting, there wasn't an inch left for another person to dare walk by. I was graced with a window which offered this eerie feel to the dusty hot place, as streaks of the midday sun shone into the shelves leaving behind it, a pathway through the air where the raising dust can clearly be seen.

I remember more boxes of books coming in... 2 in fact. My excitement beyond anything I could ctrl at that time. I sat for an entire day in that cramped space sorting them out and logging them. Days went by and I have a vivid vision of myself sitting on the floor reading this book about how 'brail' was first created...until one fine day I was finished.

By the time we opened our library, I had recruited 2 friends of mine to help with the lending and borrowing...and there I spent much of my last few days in school. It's amazing I never really entertained this memory until this moment. I didn’t remember even when I became a Librarian in SJC...neither when I spent countless hrs on Campus huddled in the Library.......Maybe I had forgotten…who knows. But its so real now. Such a fond memory that I now grasp unto it so tightly in an attempt to smother the pain ...of...now.

I don't want any

I've lost my apetite. It's about time. Amongst all the things I'm losing out on recently, losing the desire to eat seems the only thing I welcome.

Hmm... and of all the things that's been up lately, I chose to blog the most inconsequential piece of triviality I can muster HAHAHAHAHAHA. Some things haven't changed :)

Happy Birthday Lisa!

Believe

Nothing splendid has ever been
achievedexcept by those who dared believe that something inside them was
superior to circumstance

Health Update

I've 'fallen' terribly ill over the past few days... So I've decided to throw out a play-by-play commentary as to how/why this particular situation occurred.

1. Rheumatoid arthritis (RA) is an autoimmune disease that causes chronic inflammation of the joints and can also cause inflammation of the tissue around the joints. The immune system is a complex organization of cells and antibodies designed normally to "seek and destroy" invaders of the body, particularly infections. Patients with RA have antibodies in their blood, which target their own body tissue. (ouch)

2. One of the strongest medications used for RA treatment is Methotrexate - This I'm on. Methotrexate is a disease modifying anti-rheumatic drug (DMARD) that is often prescribed when painkillers can't do the job alone. Methotrexate is an antimetabolite. It interferes with the way cells utilize essential nutrients. As a result, Methotrexate inhibits the activity of the immune system, consequently reducing inflammation.

3. Chicken pox is a common disease caused by the varicella zoster virus. I've gotten me this 2 weeks ago.

I've placed it in Chronological order for simplicity...but this explanation I wasn't myself privy to until recently. Anyways... so here's the story.

So I got myself some muscle/tissue/tendon damage in my left hip, which led to a series of, sporadic Spasmodic attacks. That was a little over a month ago. The actual rheumatic inflammation was relatively low... but whatever that was, sent me down and out for a few weeks... with the most pain ever. I initially started a steroid course, which proved futile as it was not an inflammation flare (steroids focus on pain due to inflammation) but rather tissue damage. As the days went by, after being introduced to the right pain killers, which make life bareable, my hip, did it's own healing...

3 weeks later. I discover I have chicken pox. Much to the surprise of everyone, I seemed not to have gotten it bad @ all...even more so for someone with a suppressed immune system like my own. I was then informed that this was so because, of the steroid course I was on. The steroid is what prevented me from breaking out badly in the first place, cuz it was fighting the 'inflammation', not of my joints, but of the Pox itself.

I started taking a 5-day high dosage course of Acyclovir as soon as I was diagnosed. Acyclovir is an antiviral drug, which pretty much takes up the fight against chicken pox.

As the week progressed... all went well with respect to the Chicken Pox. My 1st breakout was as mild as ever and healing itself... making me forget I even have it in the 1st place. My RA on the other hand was slowly getting iffy.

Then the 5 days were over...no more Acyclovir. This coincided with me reaching the lowest dosage of steroid intake as I continue to wean myself off of it - and that is half a pill a day (compared to he 9 a day I started with) This ALSO coincided with the fact that It was a weekend, and on weekends I must take my Methotrexate dosage.

What does this mean? - - - - - - My immune system now had to pick up the fight all on it's own, to get rid of whatever's left of the Varicella virus from my system...while @ the same time, it was being suppressed by the Methotrexate I've been taking these past few years. Can you picture this??? The pox is enticing it to come out and fight, while the Methotrexate is trying to put it to sleep.

I started feeling the exact same symptoms I had before the Chicken Pox break out. Really TERRIBLE Headaches, nausea, irritability, lost of appetite, fever etc. It's like a re-lapse. Except now I'm very aware of it.
And my RA started flaring up too...not jus a general flare up - but that previously damaged left hip, started its spasmodic attacks, which re-tore the muscle tissue and brought back that exposed nerve into play again - which in a nutshell means - PAIN!


It's a double edge knife my ppl.

If my immune system puts up a good fight and gets rid of the Chicken Pox - I'll suffer a very very painful flare-up - with Lord alone knows what implications.

If my immune system succumbs to the Varicella virus, my flare-up will subside (eventually) but I will remain with Chicken pox for a long long time again with Lord alone knows what implications

So I got to sit this one out...or lie it out on bed. Today I woke up with such an overwhelming overall feeling of physical un-wellness... form excruciating pain and fever to nausea an headaches... that I was left with little choice but to take some painkillers and hit the bed again. I re-awoke @ 5pm. Rested and medicated, I can now type. And walk around a bit. The only thing I can do is (against my will) pump up on painkillers to make life bearable once again, as my body fights its fight and hope that my immune system turns out the winner sooner than later. Cuz seeing the doctor and going for my scheduled x-ray appointments for this hip etc, is gonna be kind hard if I'm still deemed contagious.

Between my hip damage and the Chicken Pox, I've collectively missed 5 weeks of classes for this semester. Aren't we glad it's semester break?

Everything seems so simple when made into a story.

The Girl & the Ant

What is it with me and ants??

Of all the creatures in the world, I can't seem to be more grossed out or affected by the little supposedly harmless little thing called - an ant.
I know for a fact I have some sort of allergy or repulsion to the famous 'crazy ants'. The kind that ends up in your sugar bowl, or on any uncovered food left on the table, especially your drink! Once I smell those dreaded creatures... I'll instantly throw up (TMI?)

Well last night I had a really disturbing experience. It was actually around 2am.
I creep into my dark kitchen to take my medication before heading to bed, and there was this 'boly/boli' (however the spelling or whatever the name) ant running around crazily on the table. There I am, moving my glass of water and medicine container so it wouldn't crawl up on it. But that was done in vain, as it did indeed get onto the container. So I bang it on the table, hoping the bloody thing will fall off and leave me alone. But! The ant somehow managed to speed its way UNDER the container as it came crashing down to the table. Squashing the poor thing. Good Lord! You should have seen my face! There it was twisting and doing some odd little agonizing twirls on the table, so I quickly swashed it off onto the floor, hoping it will jump to life and crawl away. All this time I’m muttering all the sorry's in the world and begging the Lord for forgiveness - Like a crazy woman. But it gets worst. The thing just lies there... squirming! I was getting panicky. I couldn't bear to see it suffering. There on the table was an insect killer! I took it up and sprayed the little soul.... and waited.... (all this time my glass of water and pill is in my hand) 10 seconds later I reached breaking point. I felt as if I was going crazy. The ant just WOULD NOT DIE! Had he any idea how much it was suffering me to see him writing in pain like that?! I'm serious! My facial expression was enough to scare myself! I kept on muttering to myself... panicking! I did what I had to do. I took that very same can of insect killer - and...I banged the little thing about 10 times over and over squishing it just praying, please, die! please! ...

And it died.

God that was traumatic. I scared myself the way that disturbed me. I begged God to forgive me, please, and take it's little soul to a better place.

Into your hands

I need to re-convene with God. Take a break... look within and re-energize.

I'm not quite sure what's the advantage of being stuck home with respect to that aspect of my life and lifestyle. Could things have been worst if I had stayed on Campus? Would I have deviated off this path? I didn't then and don't now see anything obviously threatening ... but maybe the supposed inimicality of recent events had potential to affect me despite my obviation. In the light of the alternative, I trust God had his reasons for that one.

I do question my strength though. It seems what I was trying to renounce showed up as a mere prevarication... What does this strength entail? Is it avoidance? Overcoming? Being impervious and unaffected?

I don't believe in avoidance as the do all end all remedy. But I realize now that avoidance is necessary for short periods of time - to replenish the soul... replenish so that I can.... Become unaffected or be able to overcome? Which am I supposed to aim for? I again don't believe it is healthy to become that impervious... because what I'm up against is really... really not nice...or easy.

So now I'm left with overcoming. To over come... to get over... I have to get through it first. This is where I absolutely Need the Lord's advice and strength. I keep on thinking that I can help... can change. But the cynicism is ... defeating. At least for now. I know I don't want to do that again.

But here I am... stuck in a situational scenario which is a direct replica of all that I dreaded, feared, hated... a dispiriting and depressing conducer of all that I've suffered before... I fear admitting to this ominous feeling. I fear for my happiness - and that’s blasphemous. Fear of loosing it diminishes it all on it's own.

Maybe having to be home and away from other potentials gives me the lack of distractions I need to concentrate...

Now that I've acknowledged my plight... I revert to my opening statement.

I need to re-convene with God. Take a break... look within and re-energize.

....If only you really know how deeply you affect me and how desperately I wish for things to change....

I'm not quite ready to fight this fight... and I think that's because I haven't yet figured out what I'm fighting for... or why...

I have the strength within and in God. I just need the guidance.

With that, I take my leave... again

Hi Doc...Yes it's me again

I've just been diagnosed with Chicken Pox - There goes 2 more weeks of school. Hmmm...

From my heart to yours

Today was a day like no other.

I walked to campus the scorching sun...overwhelmingly so, yet made it to class fairly intact of my bodyily fluids which somehow seemed lacking yet didn't show. Now, the thing about UWI that I never stopped marvling about, is again the volatility of campus life. I walked into class thanking the goods God's for the heavenly wiff of air condition, sat in a chair a bit strained, hot and bothered but thankful. Thirty minuits later... I'm hugging my bag and myself and books and all that I could find in a somewhat vain attempt at retaining body heat. I mean... is that healthy? It sure is interesting to observe and note though. I'm again thankful for the humours temparament of our lecturer and my lighthearted idle approach which made room for lots of laughter which kept the cold (freezing cold) of our minds ... for awhile.

Thanks. Its something that is so rarely expressed. I know for sure I'm guilty of it. Yet in the wake of all that was mentioned in previous entries, I've sought to relay these sentiments wherever I saw possible. This shall remain ongoing.

I'm fine. I'm good. I'm ok. I'm happy. I'm great. I'm well.

I have an amazingly good support system. My home base, friend base and 'the gurls' - My housemates - home away from home. These things I never saw and appreciated for all that was deserving of such... but now that I do, I count my blessings yet again. And now I wish to extend to others, that which I wish for myself. Five months into living away from my family for most of the days at least - it finally all dawned on me. How blessed I am. How fortunate to say the least to have my housemates. Adjusting and experincing life in UWI, life away from home, life on a whole... I don't know what I would have done without them. My love, thanks and heartfeltappreciation goes out to you.

I miss my friends. But I miss them in a way that leaves a smile on my face and a bitter sweet aching in my heart. Because I know than in our hearts, we are all together. I miss that previously known significant him. There are things about that relationship which shouldn't be left unsaid. Immense feelings of appreciation and realization that I now refuse to let die a silent death or be taken alive to the grave with me. I Love these people.

You can only give that which you have on the inside. I say to you again, life is transending. And with that, hear me on this one... Love is transending. It really is.

Epiphany

I find solitide and happiness in this paeanistic realization.

The eschewal of what should be has begun and shall continue - I no longer desire to undertake, indulge or accept the perniciousness which defined my life - and I extend that desire to that which is beyond my own as well.

This all begun as a desperate search for alubrious undertakings, actions and thoughts. I needed to ameliorate all that I could with respect to my health. I don't what pain anymore. I don't want to suffer. I don't need to accept that in any way I deserved this. I, in fact, realized... something I can't put in words right now...

I wanted so badly to try to explain and share with you and others what I feel - that divine touch - what I see and how much it makes sense... But the greater the importance the harder it is to express. I can only say to you that it didn't come easy. This new outlook so to say... it took the most painful, life shaking, desperate event to finally make it all click. I was totally defeated and fell at the mercy of God. Begging in a way I never did before... Needing him in a way I never admited to before. And amazingly enough, it wasn't instigated by an emotional breakdown - but by the most real raw physical pain known to my human body. How ironic can it be that the indulger of machocisim would need the actual pain to ... born again?

I am thankful now and I don't fall discouraged by my inability to express myself. This is truely something of an ineffable nature.

Outside of myself - a war of words is apparant. Tension, anger, dissapointment and the whole lot of negativity is just radiating, unfortunatly so, from those who previously marked my associations. Misery likes company. And in saying so, I bid leave all that was mentioned and all that will be incipiently created - Outside of myself. I ardently refuse to be willingly or unwillingly drawn into this whirlpool of negativity. I do however extend good will and best of wishes. No hard feelings. And I mean that. I'm always here.

Go With God. Love yourself.

Dad - Happy Birthday! I love you.

To my Southern Clique - dearest friends - that which you've refered to stands true despite our circumstances. You are and always will be near and dear @ heart.
I am truely thankful.

Hope so real I can taste it

Hi everyone

So what has been up lately?

I beseech you to take this moment as you are reading this to silently 'count your blessings' - no matter how difficult and unfair you beleive life to be... There is always something to be thankful for.

Cool Scenes

I remember, when I got ill a few years ago - the intensity of it all was so overwhelming, hard and fast, disorienting and so on. Then, I was young. All I know is that I skipped that stage that most ppl tend to be stuck at - that is the "Why me?" Stage. I don't know how or why... but It seems as tho the pain was so real and reality so harsh, that at that age I jus went from being healthy to accepting that I was sick. I never asked why. I never questioned and lamented the injustice. I accepted it and hated it at the same time.

I moved on with life, as life allowed me to - or rather my health. Thats the way its been - one day @ a time. I got through CXC, made it to A levels and got through that as well - Then, the big decision had to be made.

Upon applying for UWI, I knew in a way that didn't need brainstorming, that I was in for a huge battle... I knew that with my volatile illness, that walking would become a problem sometimes, writing will become a problem... I knew it was going to be tough. And yet I accepted it and just went on.

Now, I'm in the middle of yet another health issue - and as I stood outside the UWI health center, listening to my mother lament my choice @ persuing further academics instead of resting for health purposes, and commenting on the fact that I can't seem to find any sort of outstanding stability... I realised that though all this is true, it is also accepted as my choice. I knew that there will be hurdles to cross. I knew this was going to be difficult. And I knew that I did not want to give up - take 3 months off according to the doctor, go on medical leave etc etc. I've reached this far... WHY should I?

Upon reflection I marvle @ my ability to keep up - somehow - academically. Though so many take it for granted. Being ill in itself, as much as a deterant it can be, it is the greatest motivator I have.

Negativity and fear - dissapointment and anxiety - dissonance and unforgiveness ... I need to sort these things out. I need to walk the positive path. And stay there. I know of another who drowns himself in the total acceptance of a doomed life. And I've been there as well. But I don't want to think logically... As I said, Life is trancending.

Do you beleive in miracles? I accepted it as part of life, without actually stopping a moment to actually believe in it. I accepted that ppl are cured and healed without really drawing any relevance to myself. I basked in the knowledge of all that is understood...rather than trying to understand what I know...

I'm at a total lost for words now. So I guess that ends this.

PS: Zim - I see you - my friend

It's one of the Hardest things to do - but Love yourself my ppl

Say goodbye...

It's been over a month since I've posted anything.

Well it has been a very eventful few weeks gone by... prolly the epitome of bitter sweet.

I've walked the spectrum from drunkard oblivion to painful awareness, indulging equally in both extremes.

Life is transcending.

I'm now in the midst of some serious health complications and a demanding academic schedule... & in the wake of it all, I've had little choice but to sacrifice, willingly at some times, other aspects of life than define me.

I know I've been out of circulation quite a bit lately, since Carnival weekend in fact... but rest assured I shall be back. Once my health allows. In the mean while tho, I admit to my oblivious state and avoidance.

Pain tends to fu(k up even the strongest of the lot...need I say more?

I learn so much everyday... mostly about myself. I like that. I think.

Anyways - take care of yourself ppl. Plz.

The simplicity of a complicated mind

Another wonderful day on campus.

People frantically walking around looking somewhat halfheartedly for classes which somehow never coincides with its theoretical location...It seems to me the longer the search, the easier the tendancy to slip into a warped sense of denial of the importance of attending these classes in the first place. The human mind is most amazing considering the ease to which our own fundamental views and values can be twisted, blurred and downright manipulated to validate the decision of any passing action or thought, that upon reflection, gets swept away with yet another passing moment in time... never consciously noted but almost always that sort after instigator for future trials and burdens.

We often stop and wonder... regret. Yet we never indulge any form of masochism to face the truth ... and that is, we have been, still are and always will be the the most active player in any game we find ourselves in...rather, any game we design and build around us.

I sit here in a private office, smack down in the middle of the Southern environs I've always held dear to feelings of comfort and farmiliarity. In a few hours from now, I will be back on our lovely campus, sitting like a lump of semipermiable substance, carrying on with my selective memory and intellectual stimulation.

I fall inside me

I’ve spent the past week away from home. Away from all the peace I’ve known which somehow seeped through years of the expected drama and turmoil of growing up. I’ve spent the past week in a place that I’ve learnt to love…learnt to hate…learned to accept for its volatility and the equal ease of routine it allows. In a place where the open arms of comfort are grasping desperately and the cold fingers of evil intent are prodding at any opportunity.

So much for that huh… Let’s change the flavor

These past few days have been extremely harrowing… yet I took it all in stride, or so I’d like to believe. Physically, mentally and emotionally – I’ve felt the pangs of pain and torture. It’s only because of sheer coincidence or fate’s way of casting characters and choreographing the show that I was able to survive. I take no credit for it. I am a warped self-indulgent and the cliché of being my own worst enemy.

In saying so, I have many to thank for reaching out to me.

Let me 1st thank those who took it upon themselves to ensure I did not die or worst that night of semiconsciousness and uncontrollable actions. I succumbed to the cause and circumstances and thankfully, to your saving.

In the wake of it all, I’ve found me a gem of a soul… or rather that soul found me. In your presence I’m ashamed at the fact that it took me so long to see that divinity permeating through your very being… not a spark, but a light so bright and encompassing that now, I fall defeated… and simultaneously resurrected by your good will, pure heart and caring nature. I regret my inability to really let you redeem me. But I beg of you, please, don’t stop trying. You and yours I will one day repay. You see in me what I believe stands true next to those lesser beings, but which could never take me a step closer to your goodness.

Ok so I must admit, I have been berating myself lately, but not necessarily without plausible reason. It’s all I can resort to…It’s a constant fight with my masochistic complexity.

Anyways, I’ve lost me a gem of a soul… or rather that soul has let me go. Not all gems sparkle and shine…at least not in my books, and this one, I loved for its very tainted nature. Amazing. There is so much more I wish to say… but not here. Not now.

This past week has made it even more painfully evident to me that, despite all exterior efforts, despite what you may think or what I may allow you to believe, I will forever strive in my own solitude …searching and waiting … wanting desperately to not be alone anymore. Yet always pulling away from those who really wish to touch my soul…for fear of not being able to touch one myself.

I have been hurting. I have been angry. I have given up and gotten back up again. I have tried to understand and accept. I have loved before… I had loved again. I have sacrificed and compromised, risked and resolved. And for all I’ve named before, I will continue that path until the path no longer exists.

Now… I don’t believe in absolutes…

Every previous complication seems the simple life that I now miss. Tell me please… ‘…with every movement tension binds and denies…’

My thoughts are highly disjointed right now… it’s definitely the medication

Goodnight.

It has begun

"It's been awhile since I've felt the emotion of genuine hurt"

That was the thought that flashed through my mind while I lay in bed, about to begin part 2 of the book I was reading. It seemingly popped out of nowhere and struck me with such force that I was compelled to make a note of it.

Mere words, impacted in my minds eye ... seized my brain for a response and left a heaviness in my heart...and odd burning on my chest. Everything stood still for a moment... and no articulate or halfhearted comic brush off could come to me. Nothing. Just hurt :(

Doubts and questions, regrets and subtle preconceptions eventually flooded my mind... leaving me with defeated silence and a burning anger... for allowing myself to be in such a emotional state of vulnerability to feel that way.

All this in a matter of seconds.... for I'm sure I managed some response (off the topic of course) well before the other person could even grasp a glimmer of ANY effect, far less hurt, their words could possibly have.

The disappointment and anger again rises...NOT because I know that that moment had gone unnoted, unfelt and unrealized by the other (So unconsciously said. No bad feelings. Just a mere statement) ... BUT because I KNEW situations like this will eventually come to pass. I KNEW that I could not be totally empathic or understanding of another's nature and personality to the extent that I am immune to something (where otherwise I would normally be emotionally weak) JUST because I've willed myself to a higher understanding... I KNEW also that things that would normally be passed over and laughed @ could have the potential to be brooded over...or worst yet, just hit out @ me without active contemplation - just a pure, unadulterated, emotional effect. I KNEW that I was becoming...me.

I am now in a position where... I am vulnerable. I can't put it any better.

I felt happy, elated, excited and all the sorts last night... @ the account of another. And though that's acceptable and seemingly normal for most...it scared me. Because like the emotion of happiness...hurt et al is just another drop in the bucket, waiting to be spilled @ the right moment.

I harbor no ill feelings...other than maybe...fear

"...The great dual burden of emotions and high intelligence was singular to
humankind, and it was what made life so hard; you were always thinking about
what you were feeling instead of just going with the moment, or you were always
trying to feel what you think you should feel in a given situation. Thoughts and
judgment were inevitable colored by emotions - some of them on a subconscious
level, so you didn't even entirely understand why you made certain decisions,
acted in certain ways. Emotions clouded your thinking; but thinking to hard of
your feelings took the edge off them"

D.K. - midnight - pg 193

Surreality

My loved ones…

I revert to the title of this thread and marvel at the un-foretold precision at which it was chosen…merely because of its tergiversation quality. Sounds like an oxymoron maybe – but that’s the point isn’t it? It forever leaves space for the metamorphosis of any absolutes I may carelessly and stubbornly venture to express.

Ultimate reality is transcendental. It is not perceived by the senses or comprehended by the mind. It is a matter of indubitable experience for the inmost consciousness of man. It is directly and immediately experienced without the instrumentality of the senses and the mind and does not depend for it’s proof upon any external authority.

The perception of the world on the other hand, is neither direct nor immediate, but is dependent on the senses and the mind, and is always colored by them...tainted by the very same criteria of truth - authority, reasoning and experience. Reasoning however is often enslaved by the pitfalls of rationalization.

Rationalization – The cognitive process of making something seem consistent with or based on reason. Sigh. How often have our own reasoning been overcome by a brainstorm of rationalization. It seems as if reasons are no longer right or wrong once thrown to the mercy of perception. In our abstract world of evanescent relations and lines of principles…justification is merely yet another tool to evade ultimate reality and create life’s blurred edges so that everything fits together perfectly.

Hmm… that was my little brainstorm. Where I rationalize my knowledge of rationalization in an attempt to offer me some sort of peace of mind. We all do it.

However, this seems more mentally tasking than should be. Upon reflecting on the process of gracing the year we’ve now entered, it seems to me that there were no marked ingressions, no solid lines to cross or drastic changes. What could have been an opportunity for some sort of epiphany, just flowed smoothly…merged with such ineffable definitude that I am numbly struck by how outwardly unaffected and unscathed I seemed to have walked this path… Even more so by the subtle yet throbbing feeling of calm or dare I say…happiness that’s carved its way through my being.

Have I been blurring my edges?

I can only tell as the days go by…

I am grateful… yet aware of the inevitability of upheaval… and for some undefined strange reason… I accept it.

Goodnight

It's a new year nonetheless

Hello everyone

I had typed out a wonderful entry, draining me of all my mental and emotional faculties - and then I paused a moment to take a phone call.........

I come back to find my PC has been SHUT DOWN! My pages closed and entries lost! Those labouring moments, wrecking my heart and brain....all in vain

Oh mother dearest - how u know not the great pain you've caused me!

Sigh.......

Well... Happy New Year 2005

Christmas says hello

It's after 12am ---> 25th December 2004

Christmas Greetings to one and all

"...Let's hope it's a good one, without any tears..." - Classic line from a Classic song (yay for John Lennon), but I personally dedicate it to myself ...considering the trend over the past few years...

Christmas day - ... Let's see what today brings

And again - Merry Christmas!

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?

And so the story goes...

Here I am, sitting in a not so cold computer lab, on this my last day on campus before being sent home to the loving arms of Christmas vacation...and in saying so, I am not quite sure to what extent sarcasam tinges that statement... but I'm sure it does.

What am I going back to?

In attempting to answer that question, I was forced to stop and take stock of how far away I've drifted from all that I've known and previously associted my life with...

I remember an entry I once made on my now dead website - I find this an ideal time to quote:

"Time passes in moments. Moments which, rushing past us, define the path of a life even as they fix upon its end. How rarely do we stop to examine that path. To see the reasons why all things happen. To consider whether the path we have taken is of our own making, or simply one into which we've drifted with eyes closed. But what if we were to stop? To take stock of each precious moment before it passes? Might we see the endless forks in the roads that shape our lives? And… seeing the choices we've made… choose another path."

I'm afriad.... of facing what I've left behind, having not, in any way, set an atmosphere condusive to the change of attitude and circumstances....It seems that there is and maybe always will be a downside to the shedding of ignorance... Now I crave the capability to abuse knowledge... abuse to such an extent that I can somehow ride on a wave, so high, that I am unaffected by all that I know better off and all that I can so naturally deny.

I linger yet again in the doorway of another time in life... I stand here and question. I question myself. I question my motives. I question others. I question this. I question change and the autenticity of it. I question you.

But then... I know that at the end of the day, time itself will make the doors of entry nonexsistant ... and I shall drift on like any other.

I know... do you?

Hi

Here is another burst of unedited, unplanned rantings on yet another night, well wasted on campus grounds. It's approaching midnight and I seriously question why on God's name I'm still here... Good question huh. NO form of artificial whitewashing in some lame attempt to brainwash myself into thinking that this exterior hype will override this slowly developing panic, will indeed work to accomplish this conscious yet denied effort of mine. YET, it does to some extent alleviate the external reminders of all the many loved and otherwise third parties who somehow always seem to question my attempts.

Amazing what a smile can accomplish

Time always reveals in the lonely light of Morning

"We tried to wash our hands of all of this, we never talk of our lack in relationships, and how we're guilt strickin sobbing with our heads on the floor, we fell through the ice when we tried not to slip, we'd say, I can't be held responsible..."

2 hours later

Its 5:30am

I am now to experience my first dawn on campus... I'll watch the raising sun...

This I feel...a calmness - lost in a realm of total awareness, yet protected -A total contast to ... and I'm in no way exaggerating this, but a TOTAL contast to my emotional state all night.

I jump to extrems again

*tat tat tat*

Disturbed

I can't not be bothered by this... There is a limit to the extent to which I can pretend that I am fully able to recognize, acknowledge, understand and deal with these clashing facets of my life, and an extent to which I really am able to fulfill the above. It seems as if now I can't differentiate between how much is real and how much is fabricated out of the mere yet insatiable desire for some sort of safety and comfort ... So much has plagued my mind lately, and I can credit myself to some extent for the stability which I managed to maintain and that is all good and well, yes ... but... I am somehow beginning to doubt the genuinity of my seemingly indifferent stantz...This I speak of is not a conscious effort at self denial but rather a subconscious aspect of the stubborn convictions driven by my the very innocence of heart which brought me to these crossroads in the first place.

With reference to a specific situation....

I'm left with so many questions which I know make little sense to actively contemplate, but which nonetheless, eats away at the core of my being...(cliché huh) ... I'd like to think that the reasons for which does not lie within the realms of my responsibility, but I ask myself, with a heaviness I can't describe... What is it that could make someone so intensely bitter? So blatantly mean? I ask this not only out of mere curiosity of the extent of such a human emotion or attitude, but rather from a non-escapable personal connection to the contrast to which this transformation once began and soon engulfed.

The negativity which has been pent up rather than reciprocated is slowly being gnawed on by pity and pain. I cannot admit to being able to or even wanting to allow these latter emotions to overpower that which is being directed at me ... yet , it worries me that maybe, just maybe, that innocence of heart aforementioned, will leave me with little choice but to succumb to the 'real me' under this facade of justifiable denial and chosen ignorance of that which is clearly unhealthy and downright wrong...however... it horrifies me even more that I may not... may not succumb to the nice girl 'weakness' of allowing the benefit of the doubt, assuming responsibility and accepting blame but... turn into the very thing which I question - An intensely bitter, unforgiving, saddened soul.

... here I find myself steering into and out of my mind, at that which is real and that which I can only hope to be ... or honestly believe in. I have thankfully not sacrificed my indebt goodness nor have I let go of hope which makes or breaks me at the end of the day. I am begging my heart to give my mind the luxury of believing in the good of this person...that good which has not manifested itself in any way to which I can base such a conviction, but the good in which my surrealistic point of view has merged through a combination of somewhat blind hopefulness and an undercurrent of developing fear at the very existence of the situation before me.........

With that said and done... I'll take my leave...knowing, that.... things haven't changed miraculously just because I decided to express it.

Adios!

NOTICE

My phone lines are dead! Yes we can all take some time out of our daily routine and Cuss TSTT! OR @ least laugh @ them or something! So Do that now! .... goooooddd!

Well this means i am off the net for however long ... NO phones and NO internet! Dis iz hard dreadz! So If u have my cell Number feel free to call me n e time and Text Mesasge whenever u so desire! So i will have some form of contact with the outside world.

Anodda thing ... keep de fwds for anodda time...dont want my inbox overflowing!

ne ways i here by meh cuz ... Aight well Friday i did have a good time. Huge Pizza Hut lime ... buffet style for everyone! I got ticked to death and bitten and well got my revenge in my own way as well. Kinda freaked in a certain meeting ... ok yes i did...darn. But de day was good. I say and limed with all my friends cept Favi....sorry u couldnt be there Chick...but we did think about u. :) Dem details i hadda give anodda time.

But i did get a lot of sleep since Friday. Came home Friday evening and slept away with my same clothes on .... next morning woke for a few hrs and slept again and slept again de night after and been sleeping my life away since. AND ofcourse doing Lots of Search and find puzzles and playing countless games of Tetris....and well last night i resorted to reading .... so I have 6 more pages of a book to read out which i started about 10pm last night. See what happens when u take de intenet away from an internet adict! Its a sad sad thing! But i shall survive!

| Food For Thought | The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

Afterglow

Well ... i woke up this morning with a lessons learnt! (again) Stress is definitly my #1 trigger when it comes to my illness and PAIN! Considering the events of yesterday...this is the after-effect...bloddy pain and de exact same kind that had me home for an entire week. And i have this big day planned out and i feel this way! Grarrrrrr.

N e wayz...according to yesterday's entry there is something i could have said but just couldnt. Well now that im in 'blunt' spirits let me nutshell it one more time. Reached school late, walked onto the stage in de middle of Mass (shoulda see de SHOCK on my face), the Open Day program was ok, drank some lucozade, laughed and laughed and laughed and then cried and cried and cried and cried some more for about an Hr (literally...non-stop) sitting on a bench infront the library exposed for all of covnent to see. Reached home eventually tired and in a real "dont get on my case" mood ... eventually calmed down. Talked on de phone con mis amigas y mi amigo. Went to sleep. "An Odd Day in the life of Tanya"

| Food For Thought | When the door of happiness closes, another opens but oftentimes we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one which has been opened for us.

~ Dropped everything ... exposed~

Jah dreadz...today was a day i'm not prepared to talk about ... btw....i 'finished' cross-stitching @ 4am this morning ... Open Day today! Good Friends ... Nut-shell version ... *breath* ... way dreadz ... Damnnnnn ... I dont even KNOW how to nutshell dis ting ... but knowing the ppl who know me ... u all are gonna find out! One way or de odda ... bout ... dis evening.

| Food For Thought | A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and you just have to let go.

| Song Playing | One More Try (Been playing over and over in my head since yesterday ... cant stop singing it to myslef )