Grrrrrrr

As I am typing this, I feel a sort of zap in my brain and my heart is pounding. I'm making efforts to take deep breaths.

Why are my emotions SO volatile??? In the last few days I've found myself shifting between extreme sadness and anger so easily. It's as though I can't differentiate the two right now. This weekend I had my first real angry outburst at God and life and everything for taking away my mommy. I was so unbelievably angry!!! I kept crying and pacing and had I the ability to clench my fist I would have... and then it would have most definitely found itself crashing into things. I wanted so much to break something and just scream! I thought I was losing my mind. I hated God at that moment. I cursed and screamed at God and hated him!!!! I guess it explains why since mom died, I have never been able to pray. I feel betrayed. I feel so angry. I feel so much despair and disillusionment. I don't want to go out. I don't go to satsanghs, or limes, or family gatherings, or social events or... anything. I cannot bare it. Sometimes I don't leave this room. Sometimes I hate everything and I hate myself. And I know better... and I know I know better... but I don't know why all these feelings are coming up.

Is this part of grief? Resentment and anger and  disappointment and regret and fear and so much sadness!?!?

Tomorrow

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

- Macbeth 

That Perfect Moment

I lie there, wrapped up in you,

You're always a few inches above me;

I look up at your beautiful face,

Your eyes closed, I'm where I should be exactly

Warm skin, gentle touch, steady breathing 

My senses buried in layers of you,

My mouth smiles, my heart aches

and I know that I love you, I really do

An honest glimpse

Ahhh... so much has been on my mind. I don't even know what exactly at this moment, so I'm just gonna let my fingers type...

I spent my first, entire full work-week at my apartment on Milner Hall. My feelings about it is still fluctuating. On Monday itself, I lay there on the bed, fully clothed with my jeans on, all dressed for class, and all I could feel was an overwhelming sense of 'I wanna go home'. It was the strongest 'homesickness' feeling I'd ever felt before. My mind started shooting thoughts in all different directions along the lines of: 'What am I doing here?' ... 'I hate this place?' ... 'Why am I even trying?' ... 'Maybe starting back school was just a big mistake!' ... and that's just the tip of the iceberg. I was thinking about mom, our financial situation, my brother, my health, my counseling session and if I should go, my classes and if I should go, my bf, my friends, my body and it's extra layers of fat and acne ... and I felt the anxiety and despondence intertwine with each other, going round and round, pulling me down..twisting around my throat like a noose!!! ...  until there was nothing left to do but collapse into myself and switch the lights off on my consciousness. There we have it... I was dressed and ready for class, which was just 3 minutes walk away from my room, but instead I fell into a deep, dream-full sleep.

I woke up only to my alarm, which nonetheless I snoozed a few times. I had a session with my counsellor. Before I could change my mind, I just peeled myself off the bed, brushed my teeth and walked right out the door and proceeded towards C.A.P.S My clothes may have been wrinkled, my face still showing the lines of the pillow creases and my hair, well - bed head... but I cared not, and just walked. My mind was blank and my focus only on each step and each breath. I walked into the room w/o the slightest idea of what I was going to say, or even of what I was thinking. All I could do was feel... and what I felt was blank and very, very down. The counsellor is impressive... and I use that word in particular because I actually am impressed. I've had my share of secret disappointment and disillusionment w/ psychologists in the past; there's nothing more disenchanting than walking out of a session and knowing full well that you were able to 'fool' your doctor by silly layers of self protection and enigmatic obscurity while never once actually touching on what's really, really bothering you. Now I've met two professionals who are able to 'see through' my facade and really make sense of things, and help me make sense of things as well. Anyways, back to that particular session... long story short, I cried my eyes out. I actually, for the first time, spoke about certain things regarding mom's death and illness and my feelings and connection to it all. It felt so disconnected, like I was just vomiting out stories at random, jumping in all different directions; yet somehow at the end, it all came together, with her help of course... and best of all, it came out of me. 'It' being a slice of whatever I've been keeping locked inside of me... still keeping locked inside - Guilt, Fear, Sadness, Regret, Anger, Pain...

The crying made me feel better and then, like a miracle, I left that session to walk into a most beautiful surprise! My bf showed up at my place with sandwiches all ready, arms wide open for cuddles and whispers of 'I love you' with feelings so true and strong that the moment of happiness was nothing short of palpable; in every way.

Sputnik Sweetheart

So that’s how we live our lives. No matter how deep and fatal the loss, no matter how important the thing that’s stolen from us—that’s snatched right out of our hands—even if we are left completely changed people with only the outer layer of skin from before, we continue to play out our lives this way, in silence. We draw ever nearer to our allotted span of time, bidding it farewell as it trails off behind. Repeating, often adroitly, the endless deeds of the everyday. Leaving behind a feeling of immeasurable emptiness.

Thursday, 17 November 2011

My First Night in Milner

It’s 10pm on the dot and in lieu of the internet, I’ve decided to take my need for expression & addiction to typing to the white blank pages of a word document. Don’t get me wrong, we actually have internet here – it’s an Ethernet connection. However, after much trying and pushing the cord into both the blue and red ports (and even trying different Ethernet cords), my brother finally told me that ‘Oh the Ethernet port in your laptop doh work eh’ O_O ß yes… this was me. I realize that I would really be forced to do work tonight after all. 

I ventured out of my room after some time because I was really, REALLY, craving that coke that I had put in the fridge earlier today. This coke had a tiny little yellow post it label with ‘Tunks 320’ written on it; 320 is my room number. I actually requested this room in particular because of the view of campus, rather than the busy bus route. To fuel my conviction that room 320 was a better choice than my 310 and 311 options, I added that the latter 2 were situated too close to the common room and kitchen so chances of being disturbed by smells and noises would be higher. As I am typing this, I am beginning to be really thankful that I chose 320 after all, ‘cuz despite being pass the half-way point down the corridor, I can still hear the clatter and chatter of people fixing up dinner and watching some tv in the common room. It’s kind of comforting to be honest. Anyways, back to what I was saying… I ventured out for my coke. I met a girl in the kitchen, cooking some food. I forgot her name already … typical. She was really nice though, recognizing I was new, asking my name and where I’m from and then introducing me to the other guys who were gathered around the tv. She also told me the ‘blue’ Ethernet port is the right one to use.

Anyways, I’m gonna read some notes or a novel on my kindle. Oh, I don’t know if it’s the a/c or the altitude or all the tiles and blank walls… but the static electricity on me is super high. My clothes is sticking to me and my hair is all straight and scary. Last time this happened to me was when I was in India and England. Never really in Trinidad, at least not to this extent. All that’s left is to wake up tomorrow with a host of plastic bags gathered around my bed – that’s a story for next time.

Goodnight

Genius

Some things are better left unknown

I feel so much self loathing tonight. Guilt and shame

Panic... Don't

Anxiety...
What is this?
The first time I got what I can call a true 'panic attack' was on January 1st 2011, in Woodfood Cafe in Chaguanas... where Mom, Dad & I decided to go in and 'check it out' ... It was shortly after finding out about mom's relapse and ... well, long story short, I found myself heart racing, head spinning, unable to breathe and needing to stand in 1 spot & hold on to a counter trying to calm down.
Now, 11 months later... this feeling is slowly becoming a part of my everyday life. Maybe not so much in intensity, but I'm a bundle of 'freaking out in my head' and keep consciously taking deep, steady diaphragmatic breaths. I've never been the anxious, scared, freaked out type... I am easily excitable, yes... but never this easily freaked. It's scary. I'm scary. I'm scared

Huggup pillow

I am sleeping with your Huggup pillow now ma. It's 645am on a Sunday. I woke up to wee and I walked into your room to check dad. He's sleeping soundly. I wonder how it must feel to sleep alone on the bed for the first time in over 30 years? I miss you so much ma. I am dreaming you more often now. in fact I'm awake now cuz I woke up from a dream with you. I'm back under covers writing this from my itouch. Oh btw, I got my new camera!!! It's pretty amazing and I haven't even checked out 99% of it's features yet. Oh and ma, I'm flaring up really badly lately but I'm trying really hard to manage school through it. I need to do another infusion asap. I love you so much ma! I miss you so hard that it hurts deep inside of me. I miss hugging you up. You know I am a hug addict and you were my number 1 weakness. Mommy... I love you. Please take care of me in whatever way you can. I need you still

Suffer no more

You really suffered Ma... you really went through so much pain and discomfort!

You suffered... tortured in your own body.

But you never stopped loving me. 

To the very end, you held on to me with the last umph of strength you had in your hands. 

To the very end, you held onto me with all the emotion and connection possible. 

You never stopped loving me

I would never stop loving you

I miss you Ma

I want to email you

*breatheeeeeeeee* You know... I intended to email you everyday while I was up in my apt... like the good ole days, cept it woulda been easier cuz I have wifi... Gosh Ma, I didn't expect this :'(

I'm sitting here in my new apartment, spending my very 1st night... and I got no you to call me. Got no you to email me. Got no you to worry about me hoping I'm okie. I got no you to email me

& I have wifi ma! I have wifi :'( 

This hurts so much ... so much!

Break in the banks

Dear Ma
I came here to write to you saying that I'm organizing for my 1st official day back out to school... good old UWI.... but then I saw a video I was tagged in, a tribute to you made by the Sai Youth.
I cried ma... I finally cried. And it felt like just the tip of the iceberg.
Ma...
Anyways, I been up since 4am cuz I gotta reach for 8am... well, daz when my ride has to reach, my actual class isn't till midday. I hope you are seeing all this & watch over me today okie?
I love you
:'(

4 days later

Things are getting harder. I'm having too many conflicting emotions. Anger, disappointment, resentment, fear, worry, agitation, frustration, sadness, deep sadness, loneliness, being deserted, overwhelmed, blank, volatile...
I don't know who to trust or hold onto anymore, I'm tempted to push everyone away... or well, you know me, more like... retract into myself and fall away instead. I'm so scared of doing that because at the same time I don't want to be alone... but I'm terrified of relying on anyone anymore, because it hurts too much to be let down. I hate being this vulnerable on the inside. I really miss her. I think I am going to go up to bed early tonight and finally cry.
On another note, I don't feel very well. Headache, joint flare, pain, nausea & general malaise... & you know how much fever makes me miserable. I find myself clenching & grinding my teeth sometimes to keep myself from breaking down... sometimes I hold my breath & try to swallow. Gosh, I know I will get through this, but it's just... really hard... & I know it's gonna get worst before it gets better. Guide me, please.
PS: It's 1 week since the ambulance took her to the hospital
PPS: I don't trust my own feelings right now so I don't trust my decisions to push ppl away *sighs*

I know you loved to check my blog

Dear Ma,

Your brothers are over right now, well 3 of them a.t.m & Adrian. They're playing all fours and uncle Johnny is making a huge pot of soup. It's not too bad right now... Their company is keeping me from missing you too much as yet. In all honesty though, it hasn't hit me yet. I remember you told me not to cry for me when you die and I told you that I will bawl down d place and then die after... and you told me no I won't. Well... I took myself by surprise, cuz I didn't cry. There were hundreds of ppl for the service & cremation... & I didn't cry. I was happy for you. Happy you can leave that body you were suffering in. I need to cry though... & I'm just delaying the inevitable. So far the only person I truly broke down in front off was Rao, your new favorite pseudo son hahahaha... As soon as he walked into the room, in just seconds, w/o saying a word... I started to cry. I'm having a hard time standing any of the other family/ppl around though... Your immediate family is fine & my chosen friends... but everyone else is just a blur or has me on the edge of tripping. But I'm holding it together for now... Please make sure that when I do fall apart, that you're there to keep the pieces from scattering too far & you can help me put it back together again.
Love always,
Your Shugs

PS: I'm sleeping with that Kaftan you came into d hospital with... the one they slit down to take off of you and I told u dat not to worry, u can wear it as a shirt lol ..... We washed it, so don't think I'm that gross. But I'm sleeping with it next to my pillow. 

I made Fat my friend

I just had this thought: If I was back to my original size... or generally a 'skinny b*tch' (yes, I got that from the book)... my life right now would probably have been considerably more complicated. I realize maybe people really do take comfort and solitude in fat. That people really do protect themselves and hide behind it. You see right... being overweight right now messes horribly with my self esteem... which would immediately make me put myself in the 'one of the boys' category in my own relations w the opposite sex.... and thus never have to deal with the self consciousness and demands of being a 'bess thing' that guys always checking out.

I can easily be good friends with so many guys now, and have relations run so smoothly, because there is no uncomfortable 'checking me out' scene... I am - One of the Guys -

But sooner or later, I will be back to my original size...Hmmm..... but least in the mean while I would have fostered some good friendships with a deeper foundation other than being 'bess'

Ok I gtg now, I left my subway toasting in the oven :)

The Smiths - Asleep

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I'm tired and I
I want to go to bed

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
And then leave me alone
Don't try to wake me in the morning
'Cause I will be gone
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore

Sing to me
Sing to me
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore

Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I really want to go

There is another world
There is a better world
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well ...

Bye bye
Bye bye
Bye ...

I real donno what's wrong with me. I'm making myself blog this.

Hmmm... I change my mind

In a nutshell, there is a cold sweaty weakness that takes over my body... makes it hard to swallow. A wave of it came over me so strong, that I ended up on bed. I was trapped in a state of sleep/wake ...and the only reason I got up was because I really needed to wee. I was drifting, literally drifting about all dizzy. The feeling reminds me of that most horrible experience I had after my surgery when I blacked out. It's like an after-shock...

Maybe I'm having phantom post-op sensations .... or maybe something really is wrong with me

I end this here because my limbs cannot type anymore

Someday I would be a flower...

I disappear

I'm listening to a few Hootie and The Blowfish songs right now - Thank you YouTube for making music so easily accessible and thank you 25mb internet connection for making songs load so easily.

On another note, I'm trying to figure out something about myself. Hmmm... I don't know why it is I want out so badly. Like... I was just waiting for a series of events to be over so I no longer have to be coasting the obligatory roles that accompany it. The immense freedom I feel now, is indescribable. But why should I want to be dis-involved? Hmmm it's almost like I can't trust that this is what I really want or if it's the m(s)adness talking. I'm really leaning towards the former though, and just questioning my intentions because ... well... my mom made out my scene. I really want to get away. Maybe it's because I know that I never really can. But my God it feels so good to just disappear from that whole scene.  

Maybe I won't stop till I get it right

My mom asked me today if I was going insane...

Tonight I cried. I cried like someone had died. 

And I let him be there for me...

The Perks of being a Wallflower

I sat outside in my porch reading till the point I needed to use my kindle case light to see.... The Perks of Being a Wallflower is going sooooooo good! I keep re-reading passages in awe. What disturbs me a little, is that... I'm really relating to the protagonist... in ways that I probably shouldn't. It's messing with my mind... The things he says, the way he thinks... It's as though I'm suddenly becoming aware that my thoughts maybe aren't that unusual... But then again, Charlie is supposedly a very odd character... and now 45% into the book, I'm realizing that he's maybe as unwell as I am.... (hmm) There are so many passages and paragraphs that I want to quote but I won't... not as yet. Maybe when I finish the book. I see they're making it into a Movie in 2012... I can't wait to see it! It's a YA novel... I can't imagine reading this when I was younger. The timing right NOW... is perfect

The Verve Pipe - The Freshmen (Boyce Avenue acoustic cover)

My most favorite song of all time! (loved it since it came out in 1997) ... here is a cover version which amazingly enough, I'm absolutely in love with as well:



♩ ♪ ♫


When I was young I knew everything
She, a punk who rarely ever took advice
Now I'm gilt stricken, sobbing with my head on the floor
Stop a baby's breath and a shoe full of rice now

I can't be held responsible
Cause she was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me
I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me
I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

My best friend took a week's vacation to forget her
His girl took a weeks' worth of Valium and slept
Now he's guilt stricken sobbing with his head on the floor
Thinks about her now and how he never really wept he says

I can't be held responsible
Cause she was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me
I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me
I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

We've tried to wash our hands of all this
We never talk of our lacking relationships
And how we're guilt stricken sobbing with our heads on the floor
We fell through the ice when we tried not to slip, we'd say

I can't be held responsible
Cause she was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me
I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me
I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen


♩ ♪ ♫


To download the Original Song, click here: The Verve Pipe - The Freshmen MP3

The Calm

"They made us participate in their own madness, because we couldn't help but retrace their steps, rethink their thoughts, and see that none of them led to us. We couldn't imagine the emptiness of a creature who put a razor to her wrists and opened her veins, the emptiness and the calm" - The Virgin Suicides

The whosh of blood in my head is so loud. If my contained behaviour is so disturbing then imagin what you will think if you saw me now. I want all this to end. I don't want anymore. I can't handle it and I can't handle you! :'( ... I just want out, please. Please...

Dear Universe

What..de..Yam! I don't get it! Universe... what are u doing?? Twists & turns so many, I can't keep up. Why must you be so awesomely confusing? :-/ I am barely allowed to recognize a change or grasp it's meaning before another one stems out of it. It's as though all developments spiral onto each other at the same time and feed off each other and build on each other at the same time.

Not a moment passes from a specific, stated desire before you throw the most ironic string of events my way.

You must think I can handle this all... I pray you're not mistaken. But are you ever really?

Writing is a socially acceptable form of getting naked in public  - Paulo Coelho

THIS is all in living

I was lying on bed feeling overwhelmed: scared, anxious, skeptical, worried & spiraling down into a range of negative emotions about doing something - from scratch - dropping everything I did before & following my dream. Going somewhere that has sooooooooooooo many bitter sweet memories and essentially taking the hardest route possible in my range of choices. A true challenge to myself. Then out of no where... these words came to me with such force & with so much emotion behind it that I just HAD to write it down. I pulled out my iTouch and at that 4am hour, this is what I wrote:

This is part of my life!! It's not something that I'm just trying to finish, it's something I am going to experience! To actually live each step 1 at a time. I am where I am supposed to be. Each moment is in itself a destination. I don't have to worry or fear that i don't have it all figured out. I don't have to be afraid. I just need to go and live! Why feel bad? Why rush? Life does not start when you [omitted text]. Life begins NOW. Life always has been and I can't keep waiting in fear. This is my experience. It is my life. It is my now. One step at a time. Everything is as it should be. You'll be great!! :)

Sent from my iPod


I never want to forget this. It was as if God was speaking to me. Or out of no where, with no stimulation what so ever, I tapped into some sort of deep seated knowledge sleeping inside of me...or a spark of the universal truth just burst into my brain. I cannot describe it. But I want to keep remembering this.

Part of a letter to a friend

Maybe I am somewhere so deep & I'm so accustom to that I can't fathom the possibility of there being a better brighter alternative? ... It's hard to grasp. Can we become COMFORTABLE with pain & sadness to the point it really does become the norm?

Let me be

I don't wanna go... I don't wanna be anything more than whatever it takes to just stay here on bed . I need there to be a way to not go.