As I am typing this, I feel a sort of zap in my brain and my heart is pounding. I'm making efforts to take deep breaths.
Why are my emotions SO volatile??? In the last few days I've found myself shifting between extreme sadness and anger so easily. It's as though I can't differentiate the two right now. This weekend I had my first real angry outburst at God and life and everything for taking away my mommy. I was so unbelievably angry!!! I kept crying and pacing and had I the ability to clench my fist I would have... and then it would have most definitely found itself crashing into things. I wanted so much to break something and just scream! I thought I was losing my mind. I hated God at that moment. I cursed and screamed at God and hated him!!!! I guess it explains why since mom died, I have never been able to pray. I feel betrayed. I feel so angry. I feel so much despair and disillusionment. I don't want to go out. I don't go to satsanghs, or limes, or family gatherings, or social events or... anything. I cannot bare it. Sometimes I don't leave this room. Sometimes I hate everything and I hate myself. And I know better... and I know I know better... but I don't know why all these feelings are coming up.
Is this part of grief? Resentment and anger and disappointment and regret and fear and so much sadness!?!?
Why are my emotions SO volatile??? In the last few days I've found myself shifting between extreme sadness and anger so easily. It's as though I can't differentiate the two right now. This weekend I had my first real angry outburst at God and life and everything for taking away my mommy. I was so unbelievably angry!!! I kept crying and pacing and had I the ability to clench my fist I would have... and then it would have most definitely found itself crashing into things. I wanted so much to break something and just scream! I thought I was losing my mind. I hated God at that moment. I cursed and screamed at God and hated him!!!! I guess it explains why since mom died, I have never been able to pray. I feel betrayed. I feel so angry. I feel so much despair and disillusionment. I don't want to go out. I don't go to satsanghs, or limes, or family gatherings, or social events or... anything. I cannot bare it. Sometimes I don't leave this room. Sometimes I hate everything and I hate myself. And I know better... and I know I know better... but I don't know why all these feelings are coming up.
Is this part of grief? Resentment and anger and disappointment and regret and fear and so much sadness!?!?
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