Over the past 10 years I've off and on kept a written account of the happenings of my life and whatever thoughts or feelings associated with them. Long rants and speculations, short outbursts of direct statements, paragraphs of poetry and lyrics skewed from page to page... and at times the ingenious use of just one word to express everything. Yet I’m never satisfied… At the end of it all, I always know that I’ve left, leaving and probably always will leave so much unsaid and words unspoken will remain as it is; unspoken.
But life goes on…and I love life for that. But one day, maybe I’ll write me a book.
For now though, I’ll type with one hand and suck this corn cub (now that I’ve eaten all the corn off it) allowing my mind to wander again...To where... :) ...I'd rather not say. Somethings are easier done than said...or in it's silence, it safer.
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Saturday, August 20, 2005
Crush
At this very moment, a good friend and I are talking about the good ole days of childhood crushes :) ... its a really beautiful bittersweet feeling remembering those days of unadulterated, nonperverse, pure and innocent crushes on that person who just so happened to be your bestest friend in the whole wide world!
*sigh* :)
*sigh* :)
Saturday, August 13, 2005
The eye: part 1
(Name suggestions for this piece of art are welcomed)
This is one of my older and defining pieces. It's personally my favorite and somewhat of a trademark of all things tunks :)I really enjoyed the 'work in progress' process 'cause it mainly entailed me sitting at my desk peering into the depts of my soul! Ah yes folks, I used the mirror to work the details.
I wish I had scanned it straight though :p ... Stay tuned for part 2 of the eye drawing saga :)
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
We know, don't we?
Think:
Something is up. You're thinking along certain lines or entertaining possible decisions. In your mind, you can think it through, give reasons or non reasons...make it all seem perfectly okie. Yet at the end of the day, when you're chatting away with your friends, you realize... you can't tell anyone. You shouldn't be embarassed right? No... You tell yourself that they won't understand... but deep inside you know that they understand just as much as you do... and they're gonna tell you exactly what you've been trying not to tell yourself. Being repremanded just adds further guilt. Hearing from others will make it suddenly real... but you don't wanna make it real... It's still in your head. Such convenient denial... convenient silence...Maybe it'll all go away... flow into time... become nothing...
We know, don't we? The difference between right and wrong...
Something is up. You're thinking along certain lines or entertaining possible decisions. In your mind, you can think it through, give reasons or non reasons...make it all seem perfectly okie. Yet at the end of the day, when you're chatting away with your friends, you realize... you can't tell anyone. You shouldn't be embarassed right? No... You tell yourself that they won't understand... but deep inside you know that they understand just as much as you do... and they're gonna tell you exactly what you've been trying not to tell yourself. Being repremanded just adds further guilt. Hearing from others will make it suddenly real... but you don't wanna make it real... It's still in your head. Such convenient denial... convenient silence...Maybe it'll all go away... flow into time... become nothing...
We know, don't we? The difference between right and wrong...
Monday, August 08, 2005
Wassup?
Hey
How's everyone doing?
It's been awhile huh...
It's a new month! August is here... Its hard to believe...
Just the other day it was March. wow.
This can equally be called the most eventful and uneventful few months of my life...Really.
So again. How you doin folks?
How's everyone doing?
It's been awhile huh...
It's a new month! August is here... Its hard to believe...
Just the other day it was March. wow.
This can equally be called the most eventful and uneventful few months of my life...Really.
So again. How you doin folks?
Monday, July 25, 2005
The last poem
On the 9th of May 2004, I wrote this. This was the last poem I've writen, after a string of poetry over the last 8 years or so. A few days ago I wondered to myself why it is I stopped writing them... I think one reason was that after this one was writen, there was nothing else left in me to express exactly how I felt. To me, at the time, this poem was the most honest and representative piece of literature that there was...with respect to a seemingly endless period of my life. It all started when upon reflextion of a now forgotten conversation, the following line just popped into my head "Speak not to me, but to the reflection of your warped perception" ... The rest just poured out of me...and much to my surprise, it was the most rhyming poem I've ever written, even in it's emotional accuracy. I couldn't think of a name for it... but I one day just simply called it ... 'us'
Us
We test our boundaries, or so we claim
A never-ending, overwhelming whirlpool of pleasure and pain
We look to the heart, screaming no words, veiled by self-deception
Speak not to me, but to the reflection of your warped perception
Yet it is yours to perceive, or so you believe
The added confidence of blatant negativity so unreal
Succumbing to no logical reason, no time no season
To justify everything on the grounds of expressing how you feel
Now our expression is smothered, with confusion its covered
Writhing in our minds, squirming, bleeding our hearts never disconnected
But then I just fall, broken, defeated from heights marveled at being so affected
Amazed beyond recognition, by your stubborn convictions
When I see not through the eyes of your angered expectations
There somehow never seems a moment of us untainted
With shadows of all our beliefs, contraries and hopes
Fears and restrictions, undermined by attempted perfections
Lost, as we have woken now with the consequences of all that we've waited.
Now, I can allow myself to write again for what has been said, has been done...and now my mind wanders a new road with a perfect view of those trodden before and unhindered access to the memory of each step.......
Us
We test our boundaries, or so we claim
A never-ending, overwhelming whirlpool of pleasure and pain
We look to the heart, screaming no words, veiled by self-deception
Speak not to me, but to the reflection of your warped perception
Yet it is yours to perceive, or so you believe
The added confidence of blatant negativity so unreal
Succumbing to no logical reason, no time no season
To justify everything on the grounds of expressing how you feel
Now our expression is smothered, with confusion its covered
Writhing in our minds, squirming, bleeding our hearts never disconnected
But then I just fall, broken, defeated from heights marveled at being so affected
Amazed beyond recognition, by your stubborn convictions
When I see not through the eyes of your angered expectations
There somehow never seems a moment of us untainted
With shadows of all our beliefs, contraries and hopes
Fears and restrictions, undermined by attempted perfections
Lost, as we have woken now with the consequences of all that we've waited.
.............
Now, I can allow myself to write again for what has been said, has been done...and now my mind wanders a new road with a perfect view of those trodden before and unhindered access to the memory of each step.......
Sunday, July 24, 2005
Musical Baton
Created by and obtained from marlc
Total volume of music files on my computer:
3.9 GB (Not including the desktop or external HD or 103GB backed up on external media)
The last CD I bought was:
TDK CD-R 48x 80 min. 700MB for computer burning
Song playing right now:
* Natalie Merchant - Ophelia
Also the name of the album that's playing & an excellent one too
* Creed - Is this the end
This is playing on the other PC right next to me - I need to find some headphones - the clashing music not working
Five songs I listen to a lot, or that mean a lot to me:
Vitamin R (Leading Us Along) - Chevelle
My Skin - Natalie Merchant
Best of You - Foo Fighters
The Freshmen - Vervepipe
Missing - Evanescence
"This list changes accordin to my mood at the moment, but these songs usually get heavy rotation in my playlist" - The Freshmen remains a timeless favorite of mine for years gone by and years to come :)
Total volume of music files on my computer:
3.9 GB (Not including the desktop or external HD or 103GB backed up on external media)
The last CD I bought was:
TDK CD-R 48x 80 min. 700MB for computer burning
Song playing right now:
* Natalie Merchant - Ophelia
Also the name of the album that's playing & an excellent one too
* Creed - Is this the end
This is playing on the other PC right next to me - I need to find some headphones - the clashing music not working
Five songs I listen to a lot, or that mean a lot to me:
Vitamin R (Leading Us Along) - Chevelle
My Skin - Natalie Merchant
Best of You - Foo Fighters
The Freshmen - Vervepipe
Missing - Evanescence
"This list changes accordin to my mood at the moment, but these songs usually get heavy rotation in my playlist" - The Freshmen remains a timeless favorite of mine for years gone by and years to come :)
Monday, July 18, 2005
The Texture of Taste
Over the past few weeks, since I had a lot of time on my hands and due to the help of the side effects of steroids – I’ve become intensely aware of what goes in my mouth… food and drink wise. Back in the days, I remember trying to describe certain foods as ‘sleepy tasting’ … but that will make very little sense to the average person.
A few weeks ago, while having a meal with my mom, it suddenly came to me what I was trying to explain all those years before. I’ve come to realize that a large part of my preference for food or things that I crave doesn’t just have to do with the taste… but I’ve got a knack for gravitating towards foods of a certain texture! Hmm… “texture?” one might say, quite like my mother with raised eyebrows and a pitch or two change of voice… but its true.
Texture marks the difference between why I would prefer chocolate over fudge, brownies over cake, squash over pumpkin, pasta over provision etc… it explains why my favorite fruit is banana and my other fruit preferences are sapodilla, soursoup, chennette, tonkabean and certain types of mangoes etc… What is there in a banana over an apple? ... The texture! That rich, solid, creamy, sticky…roll all over and coat my tongue with feeling to it… that sleepy, calming, relaxing moment of bliss. All those fruits listed above have that in common, in varying degrees… unlike apples, cherries or watermelon. I remember that if I can’t sleep, I just need to suck on a block of chocolate and I’ll fall asleep dripping like a baby. I think the ultimate example will be me choosing squash over pumpkin any day. Its so alike and people normally either don’t know the difference or cant tell. Squash is more…dare I say it…squishy…rich and textured! For this same reason I prefer mohanbog over parasad or the sticky flour parasad over the crème of wheat.
Gosh…it’s amazing. The list goes on with examples, but those above were the ones that made it all click and make sense to me. ‘Sleepy tasting’ :) Can you all understand where I’m coming from?
Now, despite this somewhat odd revelation and my desire to share this with the masses, I must admit that this entry is one of self torture…since for a 'short' while I would be stepping away from Lacto Vegetarian diet and even crossing the realms of pure Vegan ... a real hard challenge. But at least now I have this entry to look back on now and then to reflect on the days of rich tasting, afterglow effective pieces of euphoria all in the name of sensory pleasure!!!
A few weeks ago, while having a meal with my mom, it suddenly came to me what I was trying to explain all those years before. I’ve come to realize that a large part of my preference for food or things that I crave doesn’t just have to do with the taste… but I’ve got a knack for gravitating towards foods of a certain texture! Hmm… “texture?” one might say, quite like my mother with raised eyebrows and a pitch or two change of voice… but its true.
Texture marks the difference between why I would prefer chocolate over fudge, brownies over cake, squash over pumpkin, pasta over provision etc… it explains why my favorite fruit is banana and my other fruit preferences are sapodilla, soursoup, chennette, tonkabean and certain types of mangoes etc… What is there in a banana over an apple? ... The texture! That rich, solid, creamy, sticky…roll all over and coat my tongue with feeling to it… that sleepy, calming, relaxing moment of bliss. All those fruits listed above have that in common, in varying degrees… unlike apples, cherries or watermelon. I remember that if I can’t sleep, I just need to suck on a block of chocolate and I’ll fall asleep dripping like a baby. I think the ultimate example will be me choosing squash over pumpkin any day. Its so alike and people normally either don’t know the difference or cant tell. Squash is more…dare I say it…squishy…rich and textured! For this same reason I prefer mohanbog over parasad or the sticky flour parasad over the crème of wheat.
Gosh…it’s amazing. The list goes on with examples, but those above were the ones that made it all click and make sense to me. ‘Sleepy tasting’ :) Can you all understand where I’m coming from?
Now, despite this somewhat odd revelation and my desire to share this with the masses, I must admit that this entry is one of self torture…since for a 'short' while I would be stepping away from Lacto Vegetarian diet and even crossing the realms of pure Vegan ... a real hard challenge. But at least now I have this entry to look back on now and then to reflect on the days of rich tasting, afterglow effective pieces of euphoria all in the name of sensory pleasure!!!
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Geometric People
As a kid, I had always battled with getting the ‘hand me downs’ from my bigger brother, especially when it came to books and stationary. He had the miraculous ability to make a geometry set last him years, where as, if I had a choice, I would want to buy one every term either to replace lost pieces or to get a scratch free ‘angle measuring thingy’ or a pointer compass. I learnt how vital it was to have a good working set when I started CXC Geography, because map reading was not only tricky and demanding in precision, but was also one of my strongest points and the most fun part of Geography.
All those who know me well enough, would know that I am a self-proclaimed ‘directionally challenged person’ when it came to putting a place name and location together. I have an excellent picture memory when it comes to land marks and telling people to ‘turn left on the street right before you pass the big white house with the Jundi flags’, but for the life of me, don’t expect me to remember the street name, town, village, city or its labeled environs.
One day short of a week ago, my parents took me to a doctor in Arima. How simple is that? I’d say I never expected this revelation until I actually reached my destination – that is – ‘I’ve never been to Arima before, have I?’ – ‘I have absolutely no idea where I am!” – “My good Lord, I’m a foreigner in my own country!” … The alarming part of this was the fact that Arima, in my head, had always been a well known word, a place I identified with as being part of sweet T&T. I had done map work pieces on Arima before. I know of people who live Arima. I always knew it was ‘up North side’ … but it never dawned on me until then, that I had actually never been to this place.
Dad said “Lets drive through the town, I don’t think you’ve ever seen Arima proper before” and despite my mom’s protest about it being peak hour traffic, we did. Man, was I in awe! Something as simple as this, had my senses perked and eyes wide open. I remembered a dream I had once, where I took a maxi from UWI to go Curepe and somehow ended up in some strange unknown busy city like area of Trinidad. I was walking around frantically looking at land marks, buildings, people – anything to give me an idea as to where I was (other than street signs) but still I had no idea. There I was totally lost and desperate and not one soul even noticed I was there. But back to reality, as we drove into Arima, I thought to myself ‘Hey, this could have well been the place you got lost in that dream!”
I stared at everything and everyone… taking it all in. The place was swarming with busy feet going here and there supposedly all preparing to head home sooner or later. I did something I recall doing occasionally – I looked at one arbitrary stranger, all dressed up in working clothes and heavy hand bag strapped across her shoulder and I entered into this realm of awareness… aware that this was another human being quite like myself. And I knew that as she stood there, thoughts were going through her head – thoughts about people she knew, things that needed to be done, how she felt…etc. I was witnessing just a mere fraction of a moment of what makes up an entire life style and lifetime of another person. This woman – like me – lives in this world, in this country – has feelings, desires, dreams, memories and fears. To her, everything and everyone around her makes up her life. She is not JUST another person on the street…
I did the same for a rather Amerindian looking, relatively handsome vagrant… and I thought to myself that he would make really beautiful children.
Now as I end this entry, I come to realize that my introduction and conclusion has little to do with each other. That’s the beauty of spontaneous blogging I guess – It transcends the rules of any known writing style. But for the sake of my dedicated teachers for English language and Literature of seven years (God bless their souls) I confess that yet again, upon entering UWI, I bought myself yet another geometry set :)
All those who know me well enough, would know that I am a self-proclaimed ‘directionally challenged person’ when it came to putting a place name and location together. I have an excellent picture memory when it comes to land marks and telling people to ‘turn left on the street right before you pass the big white house with the Jundi flags’, but for the life of me, don’t expect me to remember the street name, town, village, city or its labeled environs.
One day short of a week ago, my parents took me to a doctor in Arima. How simple is that? I’d say I never expected this revelation until I actually reached my destination – that is – ‘I’ve never been to Arima before, have I?’ – ‘I have absolutely no idea where I am!” – “My good Lord, I’m a foreigner in my own country!” … The alarming part of this was the fact that Arima, in my head, had always been a well known word, a place I identified with as being part of sweet T&T. I had done map work pieces on Arima before. I know of people who live Arima. I always knew it was ‘up North side’ … but it never dawned on me until then, that I had actually never been to this place.
Dad said “Lets drive through the town, I don’t think you’ve ever seen Arima proper before” and despite my mom’s protest about it being peak hour traffic, we did. Man, was I in awe! Something as simple as this, had my senses perked and eyes wide open. I remembered a dream I had once, where I took a maxi from UWI to go Curepe and somehow ended up in some strange unknown busy city like area of Trinidad. I was walking around frantically looking at land marks, buildings, people – anything to give me an idea as to where I was (other than street signs) but still I had no idea. There I was totally lost and desperate and not one soul even noticed I was there. But back to reality, as we drove into Arima, I thought to myself ‘Hey, this could have well been the place you got lost in that dream!”
I stared at everything and everyone… taking it all in. The place was swarming with busy feet going here and there supposedly all preparing to head home sooner or later. I did something I recall doing occasionally – I looked at one arbitrary stranger, all dressed up in working clothes and heavy hand bag strapped across her shoulder and I entered into this realm of awareness… aware that this was another human being quite like myself. And I knew that as she stood there, thoughts were going through her head – thoughts about people she knew, things that needed to be done, how she felt…etc. I was witnessing just a mere fraction of a moment of what makes up an entire life style and lifetime of another person. This woman – like me – lives in this world, in this country – has feelings, desires, dreams, memories and fears. To her, everything and everyone around her makes up her life. She is not JUST another person on the street…
I did the same for a rather Amerindian looking, relatively handsome vagrant… and I thought to myself that he would make really beautiful children.
Now as I end this entry, I come to realize that my introduction and conclusion has little to do with each other. That’s the beauty of spontaneous blogging I guess – It transcends the rules of any known writing style. But for the sake of my dedicated teachers for English language and Literature of seven years (God bless their souls) I confess that yet again, upon entering UWI, I bought myself yet another geometry set :)
Monday, July 11, 2005
NOTICE
I HAVE RE-ENABLED COMMENTS... for those who emailed &/or inquired - Yes I had disabled commenting for a few days, but now it's back up - open and available :)
I got tagged - yikes!
Yes folks, I'm petrifed at the prospect of being honest and open to the likes of these questions but ... I have been (I think) This should pass some 'archive time' till we meet again :)
Three names you go by:
1. Tunks
2. Tans
3. T
Three screen names that you have had:
1. Tunkabean
2. ...+
3. I'm an effigy, a parody of who I appear to be ...±
Three things you like about your self:
1. I'm in touch with me
2. I'm self motivated when I'm ready.
3. Ppl feel really comfortable with me...and I'm comfy in turn.
Three things you don't like about your self:
1. My weakness for empathy and being too sensative
2. That I'm unwell...or my body is.
3. Procastination
Three parts of your heritage:
1. South India
2. North India
3. Umm...Trinidad?
Three things that scare you:
1. My parents dying
2. Ultimate emotional hurt in a romantic relationship - esp. Marriage (horn!)
3. Myself
Three of your everyday essentials:
1. Food
2. Meds
3. Reading something or the next
Three things you are wearing right now:
1. Beach Shorts
2. T-shirt
3. gold bracelts
Three of your favorite bands or musical artists (@ the moment):
1. Natalie Merchant
2. Chevelle
3. Foo Fighters
Three of your favorie songs. (@ the moment)
1. Vervepipe - The Freshmen (all time fav)
2. Foo Fighters - Best Of You
3. Chevelle - Vitamin R
Three new things you want to try in the next 12 months:
1. Being on no medication what so ever
2. Reading as many books as I can
3. Working for $$$
Three things I want in a relationship:
1. Faithfullness
2. Love
3. Understanding and Patience
Two truths and a lie
1. I'm a mommas gurl
2. I attended SJC San'do
3. Blogging comes easily to me nowadays
Three physical things that attract you to the opposite sex:
1. Kissable Lips
2. Clear Complextion
3. Facial structure
Three things you can't do without:
1. music
2. reading
3. chocolate
Three of your favorite hobbies:
1. 'Surfing the net'
2. Listening to music
3. Reading
Three Places you want to go on vacation:
1. Canada
2. Some nice Caribbean Island - Maybe Barbados
3. Disney (again. yay!)
Three things you just can't do:
1. Tell off someone
2. roll my tounge
3. stop thinking
Three Kids names:
1. Atiana
2. Audre
3. Dylan
Three Things you want to do before you die:
1. Live happy
2. Travel all over
3. Read a lottt of books
Three Celeb crushes:
1. Angelina Jolie
2. Katie Holmes
3. Ryan Phillippe
Three names you go by:
1. Tunks
2. Tans
3. T
Three screen names that you have had:
1. Tunkabean
2. ...+
3. I'm an effigy, a parody of who I appear to be ...±
Three things you like about your self:
1. I'm in touch with me
2. I'm self motivated when I'm ready.
3. Ppl feel really comfortable with me...and I'm comfy in turn.
Three things you don't like about your self:
1. My weakness for empathy and being too sensative
2. That I'm unwell...or my body is.
3. Procastination
Three parts of your heritage:
1. South India
2. North India
3. Umm...Trinidad?
Three things that scare you:
1. My parents dying
2. Ultimate emotional hurt in a romantic relationship - esp. Marriage (horn!)
3. Myself
Three of your everyday essentials:
1. Food
2. Meds
3. Reading something or the next
Three things you are wearing right now:
1. Beach Shorts
2. T-shirt
3. gold bracelts
Three of your favorite bands or musical artists (@ the moment):
1. Natalie Merchant
2. Chevelle
3. Foo Fighters
Three of your favorie songs. (@ the moment)
1. Vervepipe - The Freshmen (all time fav)
2. Foo Fighters - Best Of You
3. Chevelle - Vitamin R
Three new things you want to try in the next 12 months:
1. Being on no medication what so ever
2. Reading as many books as I can
3. Working for $$$
Three things I want in a relationship:
1. Faithfullness
2. Love
3. Understanding and Patience
Two truths and a lie
1. I'm a mommas gurl
2. I attended SJC San'do
3. Blogging comes easily to me nowadays
Three physical things that attract you to the opposite sex:
1. Kissable Lips
2. Clear Complextion
3. Facial structure
Three things you can't do without:
1. music
2. reading
3. chocolate
Three of your favorite hobbies:
1. 'Surfing the net'
2. Listening to music
3. Reading
Three Places you want to go on vacation:
1. Canada
2. Some nice Caribbean Island - Maybe Barbados
3. Disney (again. yay!)
Three things you just can't do:
1. Tell off someone
2. roll my tounge
3. stop thinking
Three Kids names:
1. Atiana
2. Audre
3. Dylan
Three Things you want to do before you die:
1. Live happy
2. Travel all over
3. Read a lottt of books
Three Celeb crushes:
1. Angelina Jolie
2. Katie Holmes
3. Ryan Phillippe
Thursday, July 07, 2005
More than words
Deepak Chopra - Quantum HealingBut the essence of compassion lies in how hard it is to be good. To forgive someone is to let him be free, even if he abuses that freedom beyond exasperation.
Monday, July 04, 2005
Nude
Nudity ... don't we love it :)
This was done with a 2b pencil alone...possibly a mechanical, I can't remember.
The drawing itself was larger than what my scanner could accomadate, so her toes are chopped off unfortunatly :(
I never did after touch ups on this piece...so this is as it is when I dropped the pencil.
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
The Abyss
Have you ever been quiet?
Not just the lack of making sound or speaking... but your mind is quiet.
It can be described as peaceful... except its not really peace.
Have you ever sat zoned out with crystal clarity where everything merges into the next... almost as if the edges of all stimuli are blurred so that it all fits together perfectly?
The mind is perfectly receptive yet immune...
I find myself lost looking at this screen... its calm...not panic... each sensation slow and deliberate.
Here I am... in the abyss that lies between too much thinking and no thoughts... Its unfathomable
Not just the lack of making sound or speaking... but your mind is quiet.
It can be described as peaceful... except its not really peace.
Have you ever sat zoned out with crystal clarity where everything merges into the next... almost as if the edges of all stimuli are blurred so that it all fits together perfectly?
The mind is perfectly receptive yet immune...
I find myself lost looking at this screen... its calm...not panic... each sensation slow and deliberate.
Here I am... in the abyss that lies between too much thinking and no thoughts... Its unfathomable
Friday, June 17, 2005
Battle of the Senses
Palms sweaty...cold feet...my heart beat a good bit faster than I'd like it to be, considering its taking away from my other senses, now that I have to hear the 'thump thump' in my chest and the whoosh of blood in my ears... humph.
The Kitchen is now the most dreaded place... what ever happened to the warm welcoming common gathering area for most food lovers like myself? Oh man...food. My appetite can be switched on and off in an instant now...It all depends on the results of my search of course...
I find my eyes dashing around the place with such frequency, you'd swear I was suffering from an odd version of ADS...but then again, I'm doing this with such urgency that I believe my entire demeanour is bordering on Paranoia. But that's not necessarily a bad thing, 'cuz now my eyes are getting tested regularly, without having to pay sky high doctor's fees, and the test of accuracy and precision helps strengthen those little muscles in there :)... (Thank you eyes for being so good to me)
Who ever said I needed to ctrl my gag reflexes? At times like these... I can throw up as quickly as it takes to blink my eyes or breathe in a whiff of air...and in this case, I mean that literally. I think it's an invasion... a plot to get me killed...my own bodily reactions that is. Why can't I bare to smell these things??
So there we have it folks...it's that time of the month ag... ok wait no. I mean, It's that time of the year again! when for some unknown reason, there is an unnecessarily large and forever increasing number of crazy ants finding it's home...in MY house! Come to think of it, there's no such thing as 'unnecessarily large' 'cuz the existence of these crazy little creatures isn't Necessary at all! I know somewhere in the food chain, Lord alone knows WHY, these ants were seen as necessary enough to be created and allowed to still be living... but in my books... I think they should all be sucked off the earth and thrown onto a different planet. Let them eat, breathe, and live there...not HERE...not in my kitchen...NOT in my food, my nice hot cup of Milo, my peanut butter and jelly sandwich, my roti and fry plantin, my glass of ice chilled water, my Moca chiller, my popcorn...not ON ME! Get away! Shoo!
The thing is.... I can't kill them :( ... 'cuz then I have this automatic and uncontrollable sudden allergic reaction or repulsion ... and I can throw up just about anything that entered my tummy in the last 24 hours.
So for now...I'll remain on the prowl...analysing every glass, bowl, cookie or piece of potato...suffer from my near anxiety attacks if I (God forbid) find them in attack mode, covering every inch of a piece of food or the next, so much that it's no longer recognizable...(oh man oh man oh man...the damn memories!) ... and continue to marvel at the volatility of my own appetite as I bow to the mercy of these horrid little creatures!
For now! *Muhahahahaha* ... *gulp*
The Kitchen is now the most dreaded place... what ever happened to the warm welcoming common gathering area for most food lovers like myself? Oh man...food. My appetite can be switched on and off in an instant now...It all depends on the results of my search of course...
I find my eyes dashing around the place with such frequency, you'd swear I was suffering from an odd version of ADS...but then again, I'm doing this with such urgency that I believe my entire demeanour is bordering on Paranoia. But that's not necessarily a bad thing, 'cuz now my eyes are getting tested regularly, without having to pay sky high doctor's fees, and the test of accuracy and precision helps strengthen those little muscles in there :)... (Thank you eyes for being so good to me)
Who ever said I needed to ctrl my gag reflexes? At times like these... I can throw up as quickly as it takes to blink my eyes or breathe in a whiff of air...and in this case, I mean that literally. I think it's an invasion... a plot to get me killed...my own bodily reactions that is. Why can't I bare to smell these things??
So there we have it folks...it's that time of the month ag... ok wait no. I mean, It's that time of the year again! when for some unknown reason, there is an unnecessarily large and forever increasing number of crazy ants finding it's home...in MY house! Come to think of it, there's no such thing as 'unnecessarily large' 'cuz the existence of these crazy little creatures isn't Necessary at all! I know somewhere in the food chain, Lord alone knows WHY, these ants were seen as necessary enough to be created and allowed to still be living... but in my books... I think they should all be sucked off the earth and thrown onto a different planet. Let them eat, breathe, and live there...not HERE...not in my kitchen...NOT in my food, my nice hot cup of Milo, my peanut butter and jelly sandwich, my roti and fry plantin, my glass of ice chilled water, my Moca chiller, my popcorn...not ON ME! Get away! Shoo!
The thing is.... I can't kill them :( ... 'cuz then I have this automatic and uncontrollable sudden allergic reaction or repulsion ... and I can throw up just about anything that entered my tummy in the last 24 hours.
So for now...I'll remain on the prowl...analysing every glass, bowl, cookie or piece of potato...suffer from my near anxiety attacks if I (God forbid) find them in attack mode, covering every inch of a piece of food or the next, so much that it's no longer recognizable...(oh man oh man oh man...the damn memories!) ... and continue to marvel at the volatility of my own appetite as I bow to the mercy of these horrid little creatures!
For now! *Muhahahahaha* ... *gulp*
Friday, June 10, 2005
Dare I say?
I still remember
The world from the eyes of a child
Slowly those feelings
Are clouded by what I know now
Where has my heart gone?
An uneven trade for the real world
Oh I, I want to go back to
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all
I’m so tired of constantly being afraid. ‘afraid of what?’ one may ask, and the sad thing is, I’m scared even to say here what I’m afraid of. Apprehensive, hesitant, disquieted, wary…it’s becoming a task, and a stressful one at it, to do what previously would have been a joy… natural, free flowing, spirited… The imperative word that drops the hint is none other but ‘here’. I can span this theme of fear into many other scenes and scenarios – It proves relative all around. Why is this?
In Blake’s ‘Songs of Innocence and of Experience’, he started a revolutionary eye opener of the pure essence of change … from that of a child into an adult … the seemingly ‘natural’ and inevitable degeneration, digression, the sad fall from purity and innocence to the greater accepted tainted and cynical views of the experienced life. Now right before my eyes, I watch myself slip… and God alone knows how hard it is to not become or remain bitter, angry, ridden with anguish and remorse…sad. It’s a taste of another’s bread of life…and the poison of mine. It’s so easy to pick them out… ‘cuz it aint no rose colored glass my dear… it’s shattered and filthy and distorts even the best of persons, feelings and intentions…and the purest of them all as well. In the eyes of such… I swallow my words, blink back my tears…and bow my head in fear. Why is this?
Don’t play the victim in this game…don’t scream those words at me… because once you harbor on an external instigator, then you’re only the victim of yourself!
Release …
Monday, June 06, 2005
Doopdido
Lets change the Flavor - Here's for spontanous blogging *Cheers* ... now take it easy on that one, cause we gotta make it last 'till i'm done here - No refills - nope
Well then... How you doing today? I figure since you're reading this, mite as well ask. Its not just an ice breaker, not just cause an inquiry, not just the polite thing to do... but it's become more of a necessity - sorta cliche in a sense...How can I go on without asking?
So I'm home. It's been nearly 13 weeks since I've left our beloved UWI and I'm finally able to say now, that I'm on the road OF Recouperation. But who would have thought it would have taken so long. I mean... 13 weeks!? Not me... not my parents...not even my doctors.. and as for my friends and aquaintances...some still can't come to terms wid how ill I become in the 1st place. Ah well... Life does this now and then. I'm definitly a burn to learn sorta chick.
I've been sleeping, thinking, reading, chatting online, posting, watching tv, crying and just tolerating the pain of my daily exsistance thus far. Its quite the life I must say... 'life in London' if I dare quote someone here. It's mine none the less, and I'll like to think that with each day, there is something new to learn or experience. Quite unlike the famous Same Shit Different Day motto of others...though I'm sure I'm most justified in getting away wid such a thing if I were to adopt it. But I cant. I like living...even if pain is the name of the game.. @ least I'm living and alive. Right? (Big hug)
Let's turn the page
*blank*
Hmm...
Ah there.... my my my... Are you satisfied wid the amount of sleep you've been getting recently? Its each mans hell or paradise. I say...its reality. Who said a dream is just a dream. While you're dreaming... its real. While you're dreaming... its not a dream...unless of course its a Lucid one..which in that case...goodluck and best wishes.
Ramblings my dear... as a reader and a writer...we all know it. Sweet ramblings. (are you okie?) ... Who asked that?? (me) ... Oh, you. I'm fine... (thats good to hear) ... Yea, I guess. But you should dock before the ball hits you!...(wow..thanks for that. Twaz a close one)... I know
Now you can go ahead and swallow :) um um ummm... Shiney Happy People Holding Hands :)
Well then... How you doing today? I figure since you're reading this, mite as well ask. Its not just an ice breaker, not just cause an inquiry, not just the polite thing to do... but it's become more of a necessity - sorta cliche in a sense...How can I go on without asking?
So I'm home. It's been nearly 13 weeks since I've left our beloved UWI and I'm finally able to say now, that I'm on the road OF Recouperation. But who would have thought it would have taken so long. I mean... 13 weeks!? Not me... not my parents...not even my doctors.. and as for my friends and aquaintances...some still can't come to terms wid how ill I become in the 1st place. Ah well... Life does this now and then. I'm definitly a burn to learn sorta chick.
I've been sleeping, thinking, reading, chatting online, posting, watching tv, crying and just tolerating the pain of my daily exsistance thus far. Its quite the life I must say... 'life in London' if I dare quote someone here. It's mine none the less, and I'll like to think that with each day, there is something new to learn or experience. Quite unlike the famous Same Shit Different Day motto of others...though I'm sure I'm most justified in getting away wid such a thing if I were to adopt it. But I cant. I like living...even if pain is the name of the game.. @ least I'm living and alive. Right? (Big hug)
Let's turn the page
*blank*
Hmm...
Ah there.... my my my... Are you satisfied wid the amount of sleep you've been getting recently? Its each mans hell or paradise. I say...its reality. Who said a dream is just a dream. While you're dreaming... its real. While you're dreaming... its not a dream...unless of course its a Lucid one..which in that case...goodluck and best wishes.
Ramblings my dear... as a reader and a writer...we all know it. Sweet ramblings. (are you okie?) ... Who asked that?? (me) ... Oh, you. I'm fine... (thats good to hear) ... Yea, I guess. But you should dock before the ball hits you!...(wow..thanks for that. Twaz a close one)... I know
Now you can go ahead and swallow :) um um ummm... Shiney Happy People Holding Hands :)
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Ode to May
Since the beginning of this month, I have been toying around with the idea of making this entry. Now, 31 days later, I succumb to my tendency of working best under self-induced pressure; and what better pressure than that marked by time itself, giving me just a few more hours to do an ode to the month of May, while the Month still stands?
May has stood out, amongst its fellow brothers and sisters as being the most significant one in my life…thus far. It’s ridden with many personal milestones; good, bad and those that linger somewhere in-between.
Firstly, I was born on the 8th of this Month 19 years ago (Happy Belated Birthday Tunks). Just 3 days before my birth, my grandfather died and throughout the years gone by since, my other 3 grandparents passed away…in fact, in one year, 2 of them died 1 week apart; together with an uncle and a cousin…all separate incidences – 4 deaths, 4 sets of wakes and 4 funerals - All in the month of May. Hmm…all right. Enough of that talk. Too personal? Oh well… the list goes on
Ah yes… May was always one that had the anxiety-laden ring of Examinations in the air, not just the typical end of terms but the life changing (and yes they were) CXC and A Level exams. There was also Mothers day…a bittersweet occasion for my family. In the midst of it all, through out my academic life, I’ve graduated 4 times in May.
On an even more personal note, May marks … first kiss, first time I saw my first b/f upset, first for a few other experiences and first time I was faced with a one to one decision. It now also marks the beginning of the end of something and the end of another beginning. (Never underestimate the power of being vague). In May I was given the RA medical diagnosis and it has subsequently been a month of recuperation following a trend of flares every year since (Including this one)
Now…every event listed above has been, at the time, a significant one indeed. Throwing it out in such a nonenthused factual manner has its pros and cons depending on how we look at it but I haven’t attempted in any way to capture the true meaning or effect. To me, explaining these things that cannot be absoloutly understood and felt by another, can undermind the importance of it...I rather not take that risk. However, I’ll still stick to conviction of this being an opportunity to share something personal, succumb to my need to rant about May and of course, have this in the archives of time to reflect upon as my memory fades...
May has stood out, amongst its fellow brothers and sisters as being the most significant one in my life…thus far. It’s ridden with many personal milestones; good, bad and those that linger somewhere in-between.
Firstly, I was born on the 8th of this Month 19 years ago (Happy Belated Birthday Tunks). Just 3 days before my birth, my grandfather died and throughout the years gone by since, my other 3 grandparents passed away…in fact, in one year, 2 of them died 1 week apart; together with an uncle and a cousin…all separate incidences – 4 deaths, 4 sets of wakes and 4 funerals - All in the month of May. Hmm…all right. Enough of that talk. Too personal? Oh well… the list goes on
Ah yes… May was always one that had the anxiety-laden ring of Examinations in the air, not just the typical end of terms but the life changing (and yes they were) CXC and A Level exams. There was also Mothers day…a bittersweet occasion for my family. In the midst of it all, through out my academic life, I’ve graduated 4 times in May.
On an even more personal note, May marks … first kiss, first time I saw my first b/f upset, first for a few other experiences and first time I was faced with a one to one decision. It now also marks the beginning of the end of something and the end of another beginning. (Never underestimate the power of being vague). In May I was given the RA medical diagnosis and it has subsequently been a month of recuperation following a trend of flares every year since (Including this one)
Now…every event listed above has been, at the time, a significant one indeed. Throwing it out in such a nonenthused factual manner has its pros and cons depending on how we look at it but I haven’t attempted in any way to capture the true meaning or effect. To me, explaining these things that cannot be absoloutly understood and felt by another, can undermind the importance of it...I rather not take that risk. However, I’ll still stick to conviction of this being an opportunity to share something personal, succumb to my need to rant about May and of course, have this in the archives of time to reflect upon as my memory fades...
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Aunque en silencio...
It won’t be easy, you’ll think it strange
When I try to explain how I feel
That I still your love after all that I’ve done
You won’t believe me
All you will see is a girl you once knew
Although she’s dressed up to the nines
At sixes and sevens with you
I had to let it happen, I had to change
Couldn’t stay all my life down at heel
Looking out of the window, staying out of the sun
So I chose freedom
.........
Have I said too much?
There’s nothing more I can think of to say to you.
But all you have to do is look at me to know
That every word is true
Selected Lyrics from: DON’T CRY FOR ME ARGENTINA
...
When I try to explain how I feel
That I still your love after all that I’ve done
You won’t believe me
All you will see is a girl you once knew
Although she’s dressed up to the nines
At sixes and sevens with you
I had to let it happen, I had to change
Couldn’t stay all my life down at heel
Looking out of the window, staying out of the sun
So I chose freedom
.........
Have I said too much?
There’s nothing more I can think of to say to you.
But all you have to do is look at me to know
That every word is true
Selected Lyrics from: DON’T CRY FOR ME ARGENTINA
...
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
The Irony of Happiness
-THE PREVIOUS POST 'THE LETTING GO' HAS BEEN UPDATED -
After reading the previous post, a friend said to me (that which he was once told) the following:
You have to let go of the happiness when it still is happiness; that is the only way to preserve it. Sometimes we hold on to little bits of life hoping it would never change but the more we hold on the more it changes, and then it turns into something which is exactly the opposite to what we had. But we still hold on, and that is the memory and pain we are left with
These words have been drifting around my mind since. As I lay in bed, I took advantage of absorbing the 3am sort of silence ... the kind thats marked by more than just the absence of sound...the kind of silence in which I can actually hear the pulsation of the world around me...thats what it felt like. And these words came back to me...I can't expand on them any more than they are self explainitory.
And then I thought - If only I had known them earlier...now they're something I'll never forget
The Letting Go
Isn't that what we wanted all along
Freedom like a stone
Maybe we were wrong
But I can say goodbye
Now that the passion's died
Still it comes so slow
The letting go
Excerpt from the song, "The Letting Go" by Melissa Etheridge
Letting go. It is difficult for us in so many ways and on so many levels. Yet life calls upon us to do it, over and over again. Letting go is part of our growth process. We cannot move on to the new while continuing to cling to the old.
There come times, in the context of love and romance, when we must learn to let go. For some of us, as described in the song, we must let go of a past romantic relationship. Maybe the relationship was not meant to be: perhaps it was hurtful to us, or perhaps it was hindering the personal or spiritual growth of one or both partners. In this case, even when there may still be feelings of passion, or attraction, or just the comfort of the familiar, we must be strong in letting go of something that is unhealthy for us. … Perhaps we have no problem leaving the person behind, but we continue to harbor animosity. In this case, we need to let go of the anger: holding onto anger does not serve us - and it might even serve to create problems in our physical health or emotional well-being. … In the realm of romantic relationships, some of us need to let go of unrealistic expectations. Whether we have idealized a past relationship or just read too many romance novels, some of us need to let go of the myth of the perfect lover: the fantasy of a relationship that requires no work and just brings us "happily ever after." By letting go, I am not implying "to forget" or "to ignore." By all means, we should carry with us the happy memories and the lessons we have learned from our past relationships. However, we need to let go in the sense of releasing emotional baggage we may be carrying around with us, so that we may be open to, and present for, a new relationship.
Some of us have difficulty letting go of a friend or loved one who has passed away. I have known mothers who have lost a young child who never seem to cope with this loss, emotionally: they carry it with them for years, like a dark and ominous cloud that -- even on a sunny day - looms on the horizon. Children can have as hard a time losing their parents, even when the parents have lived long and full lives. Often adult children who have lost a parent before working through interpersonal issues, or before having an opportunity to say goodbye, have difficulty letting go of unresolved issues or guilt. Sometimes we may need to go for some counseling or do a ritual (some act with personal meaning) to allow us to release these emotions.
Many of us have trouble letting go of old ways of viewing people who have been part of our lives for an extended period of time. They may be changing, and yet we do not let go of viewing them in the same way, and/or we try to discourage that change. We refuse to let go of the labeling, categorizing, and pre-set expectations we have of those we know, and of ourselves. This seems particularly true of many parents of teenage or young adult children. Many parents have a difficult time letting go of them as children, and allowing them to grow up. It is hard for parents to make that transition from treating their children as kids, to treating them as adults and more like friends. Many of these same parents have trouble letting go of viewing themselves, primarily, in the role of parent. For instance, some mothers are afraid to let their kids become grownups, because they are afraid to let go of their own identity as "mother." They have become so identified with that one role, that they no longer are sure who they are, outside of that role. When we refuse to let go of old ways of identifying and viewing ourselves and others, we hinder the growth and change that is occurring.
There is a saying: Let Go, Let God For most, if not all, of us, the letting go that we most need to do is a type of surrender. We need to surrender to life, itself. This means that we need to let go of our illusion that we actually can control most aspects of our lives. In many cases, rather than to fight "what is," we need to learn to accept and to be at peace… Too many of us are trying to keep a tight grip on things that are out of our control. This is like trying to grip the water flowing in a river. Put your hands into the river. If you try to get the water by grabbing it and clenching your fists, it goes right out of your hands. If you relax and open, gently cupping your hands, the water flows into your palms. By relaxing, opening, and trusting, we can hold onto more of what is precious to us. By letting go, we actually allow more of the mystery of life to come in for us.
To let go....
doesn't mean you stop caring, it means you can't fix someone else
is not to cut all connections, but to cut a few here and lengthen a few there
is not to punish but to allow learning from natural consequences
is not to admit defeat or powerlessness, but to realize the outcome is not in my hands
is to spend time filling my own needs and plugging the drainholes created by others' unmet needs
is to do what I need to do to take care of myself, knowing I can't be of much help to anyone if I am slowly dying
is not to judge, but to seek understanding and acceptance
is to stop teach teaching helplessness by overprotecting and underestimating the ability of others
is to move from denial to acceptance; from feeling defensive to reflective
is to stop hurting, arguing and scolding the other and yourself
is to stop focussing on that which you wish would change, but which is out of your control
is to focus your thoughts on that which you can control: your own mind and attitude
is to stop wanting things to be different and to start making them different
is not to regret what was or wasn't, or what might have been, it is to learn, grow and prepare for the future
is to invest in yourself; to invest time and mental energy on your own mental and emotional health
is to pursue your own goals, dreams and plans while leaving all doors open to the future possibilities
Many of us have trouble letting go of old ways of viewing people who have been part of our lives for an extended period of time. They may be changing, and yet we do not let go of viewing them in the same way, and/or we try to discourage that change. We refuse to let go of the labeling, categorizing, and pre-set expectations we have of those we know, and of ourselves. This seems particularly true of many parents of teenage or young adult children. Many parents have a difficult time letting go of them as children, and allowing them to grow up. It is hard for parents to make that transition from treating their children as kids, to treating them as adults and more like friends. Many of these same parents have trouble letting go of viewing themselves, primarily, in the role of parent. For instance, some mothers are afraid to let their kids become grownups, because they are afraid to let go of their own identity as "mother." They have become so identified with that one role, that they no longer are sure who they are, outside of that role. When we refuse to let go of old ways of identifying and viewing ourselves and others, we hinder the growth and change that is occurring.
There is a saying: Let Go, Let God For most, if not all, of us, the letting go that we most need to do is a type of surrender. We need to surrender to life, itself. This means that we need to let go of our illusion that we actually can control most aspects of our lives. In many cases, rather than to fight "what is," we need to learn to accept and to be at peace… Too many of us are trying to keep a tight grip on things that are out of our control. This is like trying to grip the water flowing in a river. Put your hands into the river. If you try to get the water by grabbing it and clenching your fists, it goes right out of your hands. If you relax and open, gently cupping your hands, the water flows into your palms. By relaxing, opening, and trusting, we can hold onto more of what is precious to us. By letting go, we actually allow more of the mystery of life to come in for us.
To let go....
doesn't mean you stop caring, it means you can't fix someone else
is not to cut all connections, but to cut a few here and lengthen a few there
is not to punish but to allow learning from natural consequences
is not to admit defeat or powerlessness, but to realize the outcome is not in my hands
is to spend time filling my own needs and plugging the drainholes created by others' unmet needs
is to do what I need to do to take care of myself, knowing I can't be of much help to anyone if I am slowly dying
is not to judge, but to seek understanding and acceptance
is to stop teach teaching helplessness by overprotecting and underestimating the ability of others
is to move from denial to acceptance; from feeling defensive to reflective
is to stop hurting, arguing and scolding the other and yourself
is to stop focussing on that which you wish would change, but which is out of your control
is to focus your thoughts on that which you can control: your own mind and attitude
is to stop wanting things to be different and to start making them different
is not to regret what was or wasn't, or what might have been, it is to learn, grow and prepare for the future
is to invest in yourself; to invest time and mental energy on your own mental and emotional health
is to pursue your own goals, dreams and plans while leaving all doors open to the future possibilities
is to let God
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Silent Suffering
Silence. Censure. Shhhh. Pain. Peace. Restraint. Unspoken.
My every thought is undermind by all the history inside.
Details: This is my most recent drawing. It's done with monolith shades and not pencil. This was the first time I tried monolith so the shadings and so on were a bit difficult and not as smooth as could have been. Ranges from HB to 9b.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
The simplicity of a complicated mind
I realize that as each day passes, I make mental notes of what I'd like to say here. It's like having a little computer in my head where reality takes it's own little twist. But the longer I wait...the harder it becomes.
I once said and I quote:
I once said and I quote:
The human mind is most amazing considering the ease to which our own fundamental views and values can be twisted, blurred and downright manipulated to validate the decision of any passing action or thought, that upon reflection, gets swept away with yet another passing moment in time... never consciously noted but almost always that sort after instigator for future trials and burdens.
We often stop and wonder... regret. Yet we never indulge any form of machocism to face the truth ... and that is, we have been, still are and always will be the the most active player in any game we find ourselves in...rather, any game we design and build around us.
Saturday, April 16, 2005
Little flower - you make me happy
Living in Trinidad, I'm sure we all must have seen the Ixora Flowers, if not in your own yard, then in the neighbor's down the street. Red, pink, yellow and white... yupp, those are the colors. From a distance, an Iroxa hedge can take the form of an entire walled passageway of vibrant Colour, with thick masses clustered together. And it is this site which we revere as the Ixora.
As a child growing up, I've always had the opportunity to 'hold a flower in your hand' while we said prayers etc. Being as bored as a child can get, I took it upon myself to make that simple little cluster of flowers as interesting and intriguing as can possibly be. That is when I first stumbled upon....
I plucked out one tiny little 4 petal flower from the bunch, and noticed that IN that flower, was something that looked identical to the flower itself, but even smaller. Steering through the flower from the bottom up, I saw what looked like the 'stem' of the other little flower. (stigma, filament, whatever it was called then, I didn't know) I got a hold of that between my fingers...and I pulled it out... very very slowly. The head of it gently scooped out the entire length of the inside of the flower, and from the base...there it was. Out popped a tiny, barely visible droplet of sweet nectar. The taste however, wow, the little piece of sensory pleasure I can't describe... But you can imagine the amount of those I 'ate' back then? I think however I felt guilty of stealing the flower's 'sweetness' and eventually stopped.
What does all this have to do with anything? In my next entry I'll have to explain. But until then, ask yourself, how honestly do you really and truly appreciate the little things. No cliché intended my friends. Physically and otherwise, I really mean the LITTLE supposedly insignificant things in life?
Friday, April 15, 2005
Thursday, April 14, 2005
This one's for you bro!
This the day... 22 years ago - I know my mother was in pain. She speaks about it still in fact, I mean, which mother can ever forget the labor of her first born? But the joy that day brought, not only to my parents but to myself is never-ending...
The memories
Being rolled into a mat and rolled down the stairs. Being tied to the chair and left to loose myself. Being placed inside a basket and then turned upside down. Being forever chased with some gross object or creature around the house. Being teased of my height and locked out the house when I couldn't REACH to get the keys!
But then again, I was the more mischievous of the two ;)
It was this day 22 yrs ago that gave me someone to beat up :) To jump on. To run around school and harass. To take half of whatever was being eaten or shared, even if I didn't really want it. To blame things on that mysteriously went missing or broken. To take out my frustrations on ...... But this day also gave me someone to look up to. Someone to show off to all my girlfriends :) Someone to look out for me. Someone to help me with my (till this day) mental block against all things mathematics. Someone to poke and pinch when in places of worship when I got bored and the folks were busy with their eyes closed. Someone to confide in. But most of all someone to love unconditionally as my one and only sibling for the rest of my life!
To my bigger brother ---> Who doesn't look like me anymore plz thank you and though we have lots in common, can be called the opposite to his sister...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
*** :) ***
The memories
Being rolled into a mat and rolled down the stairs. Being tied to the chair and left to loose myself. Being placed inside a basket and then turned upside down. Being forever chased with some gross object or creature around the house. Being teased of my height and locked out the house when I couldn't REACH to get the keys!
But then again, I was the more mischievous of the two ;)
It was this day 22 yrs ago that gave me someone to beat up :) To jump on. To run around school and harass. To take half of whatever was being eaten or shared, even if I didn't really want it. To blame things on that mysteriously went missing or broken. To take out my frustrations on ...... But this day also gave me someone to look up to. Someone to show off to all my girlfriends :) Someone to look out for me. Someone to help me with my (till this day) mental block against all things mathematics. Someone to poke and pinch when in places of worship when I got bored and the folks were busy with their eyes closed. Someone to confide in. But most of all someone to love unconditionally as my one and only sibling for the rest of my life!
To my bigger brother ---> Who doesn't look like me anymore plz thank you and though we have lots in common, can be called the opposite to his sister...
*** :) ***
Monday, April 11, 2005
Can you know nothing?
Last night I went to bed absolutely transformed from how I felt a few hours before.
I had pulled in my oars and sent up my sails and drifted quite nicely with my selective social interactions. I freed my mind to wittiness, $hit talk and the all round hyped feel good bacchanal of a carefree Trini. I did this however with my conscience as my own private invigilator which nonetheless brought me back to this point...Where I thought to myself, 'I'm tired again, It's time to stop'.
I won't call it volatility or even skitso, it's just me allowing myself to be me. And the 'me' I speak of, is nothing or no one you can encase in a box. I've moved and jumped and merged from aspect to aspect of my personality all within the realm of how far my conscience can take me. Yet I've come to realize, this is what I prefer - The stillness, silence, deep in thought with so many questions of a child or classic brainstormer yet having it all merge into a general peaceful acceptance of life as a learning and growing experience, marked by time.
It makes me wonder though. I have loved deeply before, cared deeply as well. Desired and hoped for so much...yet in the end I had to stand back to accept the reality that the extent of and sincerity of my feelings and points of view, has little impact in assuring that another person will ever know or recognize what seems so clear to me.
It all comes back down to the girl who sits with a pure heart burning with intention. She sighs deeply for all the love she received yet hadn't at the time really understood it's worth; for all the misunderstood good intentions of others and the bad; for those countless moments spent in self turmoil when a moment passed meant an intensity decreased and last but not least, for all those who felt like her, at the mercy of her doings.
And as quickly as I stop to express this, as quickly as this will seize to exist.
I had pulled in my oars and sent up my sails and drifted quite nicely with my selective social interactions. I freed my mind to wittiness, $hit talk and the all round hyped feel good bacchanal of a carefree Trini. I did this however with my conscience as my own private invigilator which nonetheless brought me back to this point...Where I thought to myself, 'I'm tired again, It's time to stop'.
I won't call it volatility or even skitso, it's just me allowing myself to be me. And the 'me' I speak of, is nothing or no one you can encase in a box. I've moved and jumped and merged from aspect to aspect of my personality all within the realm of how far my conscience can take me. Yet I've come to realize, this is what I prefer - The stillness, silence, deep in thought with so many questions of a child or classic brainstormer yet having it all merge into a general peaceful acceptance of life as a learning and growing experience, marked by time.
It makes me wonder though. I have loved deeply before, cared deeply as well. Desired and hoped for so much...yet in the end I had to stand back to accept the reality that the extent of and sincerity of my feelings and points of view, has little impact in assuring that another person will ever know or recognize what seems so clear to me.
It all comes back down to the girl who sits with a pure heart burning with intention. She sighs deeply for all the love she received yet hadn't at the time really understood it's worth; for all the misunderstood good intentions of others and the bad; for those countless moments spent in self turmoil when a moment passed meant an intensity decreased and last but not least, for all those who felt like her, at the mercy of her doings.
And as quickly as I stop to express this, as quickly as this will seize to exist.
Friday, April 08, 2005
I walk alone
and i'm almost pretty sure
i've been here before
i can't take this any longer
i won't heal until i'm stronger
strong enough to not be afraid
of what anybody thinks
of what anybody says
about the way
about the way i am
so i'll wait until the day
when those feelings fade away
then i'll make my break
I guess you had to step away
to make me want to be
a bigger man, a bigger man than that
i need you by my side
as i take it all in stride
I put away, i put away my pride
so i leave it up to you
i leave it in your hands
respect your wishes and your demands
but if it was up to me.....
everbody and everything i've known
never taught me how to stand up on my own
had to learn it from the one who let me go
now i walk alone
Selected lyrics from Olenader's I walk alone
..........
Monday, April 04, 2005
A dusted mind of books
I've been spending quite a lot of time reading 'The Rice Mother' by Rani Manicka. At this moment, the book is lying peacefully on my bed with a mere 8 pages to be devoured before I can call it a killing. Gosh...despite the circumstances, I'm really enjoying this read. So different. So real. So raw.
As I stopped to recognize my utilization of passing moments in drugged sleep and reading, my mind was lurched backward 10 years ago, to visions of me, so clear and crisp that I can almost smell it. Back to the days of a 9 year old, going on 10...
I was in Std. 5, a year ahead of the rest, having written Common Entrance early. I remember privately meeting with some teachers about the prospect of starting a school library. The idea was all well and honorable, except for the infamous problem of space. I don't know exactly how it happened, but before I knew it, in a whirlwind of passing days, there I was sitting on a ducted tapped box full of books, passing cloth over what seemed like inches of dust...steering at what became, the beginning of Grant School's first library.
It was nothing more than a corridor behind the school stage and the wall ...leading to the Principal's office. A mere 5 feet wide ...with one long shelf of books and myself sitting, there wasn't an inch left for another person to dare walk by. I was graced with a window which offered this eerie feel to the dusty hot place, as streaks of the midday sun shone into the shelves leaving behind it, a pathway through the air where the raising dust can clearly be seen.
I remember more boxes of books coming in... 2 in fact. My excitement beyond anything I could ctrl at that time. I sat for an entire day in that cramped space sorting them out and logging them. Days went by and I have a vivid vision of myself sitting on the floor reading this book about how 'brail' was first created...until one fine day I was finished.
By the time we opened our library, I had recruited 2 friends of mine to help with the lending and borrowing...and there I spent much of my last few days in school. It's amazing I never really entertained this memory until this moment. I didn’t remember even when I became a Librarian in SJC...neither when I spent countless hrs on Campus huddled in the Library.......Maybe I had forgotten…who knows. But its so real now. Such a fond memory that I now grasp unto it so tightly in an attempt to smother the pain ...of...now.
As I stopped to recognize my utilization of passing moments in drugged sleep and reading, my mind was lurched backward 10 years ago, to visions of me, so clear and crisp that I can almost smell it. Back to the days of a 9 year old, going on 10...
I was in Std. 5, a year ahead of the rest, having written Common Entrance early. I remember privately meeting with some teachers about the prospect of starting a school library. The idea was all well and honorable, except for the infamous problem of space. I don't know exactly how it happened, but before I knew it, in a whirlwind of passing days, there I was sitting on a ducted tapped box full of books, passing cloth over what seemed like inches of dust...steering at what became, the beginning of Grant School's first library.
It was nothing more than a corridor behind the school stage and the wall ...leading to the Principal's office. A mere 5 feet wide ...with one long shelf of books and myself sitting, there wasn't an inch left for another person to dare walk by. I was graced with a window which offered this eerie feel to the dusty hot place, as streaks of the midday sun shone into the shelves leaving behind it, a pathway through the air where the raising dust can clearly be seen.
I remember more boxes of books coming in... 2 in fact. My excitement beyond anything I could ctrl at that time. I sat for an entire day in that cramped space sorting them out and logging them. Days went by and I have a vivid vision of myself sitting on the floor reading this book about how 'brail' was first created...until one fine day I was finished.
By the time we opened our library, I had recruited 2 friends of mine to help with the lending and borrowing...and there I spent much of my last few days in school. It's amazing I never really entertained this memory until this moment. I didn’t remember even when I became a Librarian in SJC...neither when I spent countless hrs on Campus huddled in the Library.......Maybe I had forgotten…who knows. But its so real now. Such a fond memory that I now grasp unto it so tightly in an attempt to smother the pain ...of...now.
Sunday, April 03, 2005
I don't want any
I've lost my apetite. It's about time. Amongst all the things I'm losing out on recently, losing the desire to eat seems the only thing I welcome.
Hmm... and of all the things that's been up lately, I chose to blog the most inconsequential piece of triviality I can muster HAHAHAHAHAHA. Some things haven't changed :)
Hmm... and of all the things that's been up lately, I chose to blog the most inconsequential piece of triviality I can muster HAHAHAHAHAHA. Some things haven't changed :)
Happy Birthday Lisa!
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