Do or Die

Wow I haven't visited this blog since 2017. It's March 2019 right now.

I have a lot on my mind and I feel as though I need to start back writing. I'm not sure where yet, but I'm doing this here in the interim, I feel like I really really just need to.

I've hit pause on my life. That of course cannot exactly happen, since life goes on with or without me, people grow older, things change, events happen... but in my mind, I've hit pause and stood still in a self imposed prison of anxieties.

Now, reality is catching up to me; responsibilities, feelings left unchecked, decisions unmade... and the funny part about this, is that it scares me into freezing all over again. My anxieties about the things I have to do or face, have left me feeling more anxious and immobilized.

This fear I can feel, writhing in my belly - a prequel to panic. I need to act. I have to. 

One and the same

I want to kill myself, but I also want to go to gym tomorrow.
I want to end my life, but I also want to read a book & see the new spider-man movie.
I want to die, but I also want to brush my teeth & get some good rest tonight.

30

So, I'm 30 years old now. When I started blogging, I was just 17.

In the last year of my 20's, I discovered 2 grey hairs! It fascinates me to no end right now. A lot of my younger friends have greys, especially my bf, but for whatever reason, I didn't even think about getting greys myself, but here they are =) and these 2 little grains of grey hairs are adorable!

Extraction nightmare

I went today to get either an extraction done or start a root canal, depending on if the tooth could be saved our not. After removing decay and taking an x-ray it was determined that it was not structurally sound enough for a root canal so I opted to do the extraction. This tooth had a cavity and broke a few times over the last 2 years, leaving the nerves very exposed. I haven't been able to eat on that side of my mouth for months! So today was the day and I took the prophylactic antibiotics needed one hour before as instructed.

So we proceed to do the extraction. I'm given my shots of anaesthetic and then a pain test is done, still there's pain so more anaesthetic is given. The dentist then proceeds her attempt at removing the tooth, but each time she pushed and applied too much pressure, I felt pain. I must have stopped and restarted the attempts about 5 to 7 times - even with more and more Novocaine being injected. I could sense her confusion and frustration, she kept saying that I was mistaking pressure for pain. I told her I deal well with pain and I feel the pressure indeed, but when it got to a certain point, I felt pain - real undeniable pain. I even described it as being sharp and pulling as if from my eye-socket. Eventually the tooth crown itself broke off, leaving the roots. Surgery needed to be done to cut into the gum to get the rest of the tooth out... it was then that they realized something was wrong.

She pinched my nose and asked me to blow. And I did, and I felt the strangest feeling of air escaping but I had no idea from where. She put the process on pause and left the room for a bit, came back and decided to do another x-ray. As it turns out, the root of the tooth, with the pressure and pushing of trying to be extracted, ended up piercing the bone between my jaw and my sinuses! And I now had a connection between them - essentially a free flow of air and liquids from my nose to my tooth. Everyone in the office gathered around to see and the took a picture and sent it to a specialist in the field and after a few phone calls, they rushed me off to a specialist to repair that open sinus connection. 

At this point, I'm bleeding so much, jaw, head and face aching and I'm really shaken up. Thankfully I was not charged at this dentist do to the complications that arose.

My brother, thankfully was with me, and drove me to the specialist who took a pretty awesome 360 degree x-ray. She showed me on the computer where the sinus was breeched. I could not breathe through my nose or speak much since I got excruciating pain whenever air touched the tooth. This specialist doctor was older, much more experienced and had a calming competence about her. Whatever she injected in me to re-numb the area, hurt 10x more than all the injections I had gotten at the dentist before. But whatever it was, it really worked! I did not feel a single thing as they carefully extracted each root. One of the 3 roots was lodged into the sinuses and it was very difficult to find. They cut into my bone and gums and opened up a flap to see inside to remove it. Keeping my jaw open so long was SO painful for me, despite the breaks I took. My BP was high and I kept bleeding a lot, so they had to give me juice. 

Example of a tooth root inside the sinus

After about an hour, the dentist was able to remove all of the tooth, get to the sinuses and sew it back together. I was given 2 sets of stitches - one that would melt, and one I have to get removed later one. Stitching alone took another half hour due to the many incisions and the fact that they had to pull my gums forward and over exposed bone. I still have some bone exposed which is supposed to heal over with time. 

As I'm writing this, I'm still mostly numb. Half my face was practically paralysed before, even my eyelid. I had a smile like two-face. My eye is back to normal now and parts of top of my cheek bone. My nose, lips and rest of the cheek area is still numb. 

• I can only eat soup and soft mushy things for the next week. 
• I'm not allowed to blow through my nose or breathe in too hard. 
• Also cannot spit or suck through my mouth.
• I've to sleep my head elevated for the swelling and ice the area every so often.
• Cannot use straws
• Not allowed to sneeze or cough. If I must sneeze, I have to keep mouth open
• Avoid all 'bearing down' type activities that will build pressure 

I'm on a host of medications now including antibiotics, decongestants and lots of painkillers. I'm supposed to be in a lot of pain when this anaesthesia wears out, so I'm writing this before that happens. I'm missing classes right now and likely for the rest of the week. I'm not allowed to do anything strenuous that would have me breathing too deeply or hard and I cannot really talk comfortably. I'm just sitting here swallowing blood.
So ... that was my adventure for today. I was so scared and so much in pain at the initial extraction attempt that I was shaking. That rarely ever happens. But this explains a lot! A few months ago that same tooth got infected and then abscessed. It was one of the most painful experiences in my life!!! (and this is coming from someone who knows pain very very well and had 2 major surgeries before) Half of my entire face was swollen and in sharp lancing pain. Now I realize it was because the infected tooth was connected to the sinuses which also became infected. Also explains why every time I get tooth pain I wind up with what feels like a migraine on half my face and head. The root was fused with the sinus. Now I know the importance of doing the much more expensive 360degree x-ray rather than the normal cheaper 2d x-ray. With upper roots generally being close to ones sinuses, it's best to take that extra precaution.  

One day when I am working I will be able to re-pay my brother and dad for all that they end up spending on me due to my overly complicated body. Today's bill was literally 7x the amount it was supposed to be and my brother covered it, no questions asked. I am so blessed. I will make up for it, I promise!

Certain

by Yi Shin Chiang

'The thing about getting older, is that you don't need everything to be possible any more, you just need some things to be certain.'

- Brick Lane

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

I just had a memory 

As a teenager growing up, I used to hang out with a few close friends. They used to sometimes joke about me being the vain one amongst us because I was always looking at myself in a mirror or glancing at myself in a reflective surface. It used to bother me a little bit but in a sense I sort of just accepted it. Now all these years later I'm putting it in words and saying that this was never from a place of vanity, but rather quite the opposite -- a place of insecurity. I've always been insecure about my appearance and that has never changed... I would like it to change one day. I would love to love myself and be happy. And more than just wanting it, I really believe I'm at the point where I need it

Happy Birthday

Dear Mum,

Today was your birthday. I didn't leave the house today, but when I do, I think I might buy you some flowers, or maybe I should just pick one.

You know they say that the souls of loved ones looks after us, and everyone keeps reassuring me that you're there somewhere taking care of us. But how long does this last for? I guess time is different here on earth... maybe time is irrelevant where you are. It's like in the movie Interstellar. Hmmm... if that is the case, then as long as I am alive in this body, you will be looking after me.

I'm doing my Masters now and it's the last 2 weeks of my first semester. I feel so incredibly overwhelmed and so hopeless and worthless. I keep thinking that it's so much work to do and I feel as though I don't even know where to start or how to do anything. But I just remembered something... that you did your masters too and you said that you can't be the only one. You won't.

I love you forever. Happy Birthday Mummy

4 weeks of a flare

Times like this I find myself juggling between wanting to just give up and die right now...
Or get better and fight like hell for everything

Do you know how depressing things is? I'm struggling to move my joints and stand on my own... and what are they doing?

So much re-evaluation at a time where it's either perfect or terrible to. What am I looking forward to? Can you make this worth it? Make it worth it.

Real suffering

I'm just lying here, listening to my body and feeling every ounce of pain. It's not just the pain associated with moving or not being able to move, but I'm just lying still as ever and feeling this strong, relentless pain travel through my leg - up and down, radiating and wrapping around.

It's just amazing. Truly, I am amazed! Amazed at how much pain the body can create and feel. How horrible it feels. How little control we have over it sometimes. Like right now... I'm on all the meds I can safely take (and legally - though that might change) ... and yet I'm on a 8/10 pain scale while lying still, and would surely shoot up to a 9.5/10 if I try moving. That's when my heart rate goes up way pass the 100bpm it's already at and my head goes dizzy, I see lights dancing around my vision and the sounds of pain escape me.

This has been my week. Every day. No relief.

0 - 100 in 30 flat

It's the middle of March and I'm blogging for the first time for the year really...
Today, I went to see a new doctor who deals with gut issues.
What I needed most was really a sedative because I left there so incredibly stressed that I broke into tears at a traffic light while driving in a daze. Then my neck started hurting so terribly and before you know it, I've a full blown migraine. All this in the space of 30 minutes.
I am still in awe at how instantaneously my body reacted to the perils of my mind...
Also, I really hate RA. It's killing me

New year 2015

2014 was quite a packed year.
Final year project, final exams, graduation!
Made new friends and started working
Drove many new places
Gave up my apartment
Fostered lots of kittens
Lost a few pets

2015, here we go!

Retreat

I'm teeming with a host of negative emotions. Angry, hurt, annoyed, guilty, foolish, used, weary and tired... so very tired. What a seriously messed up way to feel. I need to get this out and get back to myself again... alone

On bed

As soon as I remove myself from being the strong one, I fall apart. It's sickening

Far removed

One of the hardest thing about having MDD, is the arbitrariness of time when sadness and hopelessness hits. I've been on medication for more than 3 years so far, varying doses as well and all efforts to come off it has left me in a worst place than before. Putting that aside, it's the sadness though. Where does it come from? What does it want? The fatigue, listlessness and fear... What is it in a chemical imbalance that makes it so potent? I guess that's how it goes with the human body, the simplistic and smallest of errors can be detrimental. Yet I wish that this sort of logical explanation could work as a bandage on this wound - but that's the thing with depression, it's always far removed.

Can't have them all

It's been such an emotionally confusing day. I'm questioning things about myself, like how good of a person can I really be if I can find it in me to harbour such emotions and thoughts. More importantly, why?

Why do I let myself suffer for so long?

I'm constantly in pain, and it's only getting worse. I'm losing my ability to do more and more things each day... Need to do treatment...

Waves

It's said that grief comes in waves and it's punctuated by important events in our lives... well this is one. When you lose a parent, there is no milestone untarnished by the yearning for their presence and the fact they are no longer there, hurts all the more... sigh :'(

I need you

I need your help, advice and guidance so much right now Ma... :'(
This is such a helpless feeling... I need you
Why did it have to be that you're not here?
I hate death!

RA Awareness

Trauma comes in small doses

He lay sleeping next to me but I couldn't sleep any more...
I woke with a flare
I quietly (or at least I tried) came off the bed to get a prednislone tablet
But then this happened...
I could not open the door. It was not locked or jammed. I just could not grip the knob. Could not turn it. My hands were flared that badly.
I stood there in slight panic, peeking at him as he slept, dying a little inside at the idea of having to wake him to open a door for me ....

To-be-read Pile 2014 Reading Challenge

I'm Joining this challenge - I've got wayyyy too many books piled on my shelves waiting to be read.

Due to school demands, I'm going to aim for the most basic level:
LEVEL 1: 1-10 books - A Firm Handshake

CLICK HERE to view this challenge if you guys want to join me! ^_^

2014

• Love myself
• Lose 20lbs
• Aim for A's in all my 2nd semester courses
• Check up on my dad more often
• Be more compassionate
• Read more books than I have for 2013
• Be more proactive with school work
• Take my medication as I should
• Meditate
• Clean up clutter  
• Revisit and be mindful of these resolutions 

The irrationality of pain

A part of me believed that when you died, you would have taken this pain away from me, that I would have finally been healed. The immensity of the sacrifice seemed to merit it - that was the level of my denial… and my need

Realizing a childhood dream

I started cross-stitching yesterday. I eagerly ordered a kit online complete with pattern, cloth, thread and needle. I started doing it all wrong and had to start over. 24 hrs later, my work is a lot neater! The first few lines of stitches look terrible in the back - and a bit in front. But it's so lovely seeing how things change with just a little more experience. Progress! It's killing my hands though, I really need to get a loop to hold the cloth taunt. As you can see in the picture, the left is neat and I have my tail tied nicely. On the right was my epic mess! This is the back of the cloth by the way.

I wish you were here to see

Dear Ma
Today was a big day for me. I missed you a lot during it all.
Firstly, I drove into POS by myself - heart of Port of Spain! I had to get to the corner of Duke and Abercromby for an interview and then I took Fredrick street all the way out. All I kept thinking about was all the times I came POS with you --- on official business or shopping for curtains. Now look at me... having to do it on my own.
Secondly, today I got signed for my very first job. I still can't believe it. Thank you for bringing me up involved in the Sai Organisations because all the service and outreach programmes I've done has helped me tremendously during interviews. Not forgetting the work with the newsletter and bulletin. And like you said, children get their brains from their mothers and I have a pretty high GPA. So that helped as well. I'll be working in San'do, not too far from your school.
Lastly, I got another A in a final exam. It's most likely going to be my only A since this past semester was terrible for me exam wise.
I love you and miss you sooooo much!
PS: I'm gonna be wearing all your work suits (it's what got me through these past few weeks of interviews, including getting the job today)

The second birthday without you

I brought in midnight the day of my birthday today, thinking about you Mom. This is the 2nd birthday I'm having without you here with me. 21 months without you. One would think I would come to terms with it by now, but I'm far from that. Maybe I never will. Not a day goes by without me missing you. I still find myself in that shocked moment of utter disbelief that you're really no longer here. I still have so much to change, for the better, and I promise in this my 27th year of life, that I will do them if not for me, then for you. You're still my ultimate place of comfort and until the day I die as well, I will always be trying to find that back. You are the reason I am having a birthday today. Thank you for giving me life. I love you Mommy. I always will.

Self hate comes in many forms

I’m such an idiot! Yesterday evening we bought a large pizza. I had 3 slices! Last night I got a terrible diarrhoea and knew it was the pizza. What do I do about it? I ate the last 2 slices today! And again, more diarrhoea. The sad part is not just that I did it willingly, but that I did it thinking ‘Guess I won’t be absorbing all these calories if my body is not tolerating it’

Truer words were never spoken

“There’s a fine edge to new grief, it severs nerves, disconnects reality—there’s mercy in a sharp blade. Only with time, as the edge wears, does the real ache begin.”

—	Christopher Moore