I love this

Flowers in the Attic

Flowers in the Attic by V.C. Andrews

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


When I was a budding teen, my mom always warned me never to read this mysterious 'Flowers in the Attic' book. Now more than a decade later, I am SO glad I heeded her back then! I HATED this story!!! and as such, I give it 5 STARS. Peculiar huh? It's not because I liked it, or really liked it (according to goodreads lesser star meanings) but because it was indeed amazing! I found myself so engrossed in this book that I entirely forgot that it was fiction, I even found myself locked in my room reading constantly forgetting that maybe I should (and CAN) come out. The story sucked me in and I cringed and protested and hated every second of it but for an author to wield a story that reads so simply, yet evokes such intense feeling of loathing and distress, I have nothing but admiration and amazement. I can say without a doubt, this was one of the most disturbing books I've ever read and I will never, ever forget it. Suffice it to say, when I have kids, I would give them to same advice as my mom gave me :p



View all my reviews

Overweight

You know that point in your life when that one thing that bothers you begins screaming in your ear? It's not as if it's been silent all along, but you've just conveniently muffled the sound until one day at some odd hour of the afternoon you suddenly realize that your life has become that problem! I've reached the point where I cannot see someone without first thinking that they would be thinking how terribly overweight I've become. To compound on that, I tend to avoid people I've known for a long time and places I used to normally go because I just hate to be seen like this. This is the moment of no return, the realization that complaining about it is just the tip of the iceberg of emotional damage being done and now... I can't ignore it. Walking around feeling constantly ashamed of oneself is akin to twisting a dagger slowly into the gut.

Oh Harry!

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone by J.K. Rowling

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


Thirteen years later, I am re-reading this book for the first time! I totally enjoyed it, probably much more than my young mind could have back then. I kept bumbling with a mixture of delight and sad nostalgia reading about characters knowing what I know now having read the entire series. I can't wait for my kids to read this series!!!



View all my reviews

Because I have Anger issues

Dear God, the Universe and Future me,
Please give me patience (lots of patience) when I need to be patient
Acceptance when I need to accept (and let go)
and Courage when I need to do it on my own
Yours Sincerely,
Me

Should I?

Lately I've found myself wondering something quite strange really and it sort of revolves around the question 'Should I continue living?' It feels almost as if I have a choice in the matter, like I can just switch a knob and turn my life on or off. It brings into question my own mortality lately.

I'm suffering (yes I'm using the word suffering) from a chronic disease for more than half my life and if I stop to take notice, I can't help but wonder how long can the human body survive with all these medication I keep pumping into it day and night, nonstop. For quality of life reasons, I need the meds, but is that at the cost of quantity? I can't tell what would kill me faster; the disease or the medication. But I do know that health wise, it's never going to be easy and could only get worst as my body naturally ages.How much more pain can I bare?

So yes, that brings me back to the question - Should I continue living?

I love life, but what's the point anymore? Even love hurts me. Life hurts.

And then of course, if I continue living, I would have to face the death of all my loved ones around me. I'm still struggling to function after mom's death; maybe I should stop. 

But again, I don't exactly have that switch ... that choice

It just doesn't work like that, not really.

 

Reading a good book

A Thousand Splendid Suns

A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


This was one insanely sad book! Amazingly written with characters so real you will never be able to shake them... but so, so very sad.



View all my reviews

Prince of Thorns

Prince of Thorns by Mark  Lawrence

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


Wow... so, this was quite something! I've never read a book quite like this before; mixed genres of medieval epic fantasy type with an underlying dystopian background. There were scenes that made my blood crawl and some that scared me into stopping what I was reading. There were many laugh out loud moments that caught me so off guard and even more so since I really should not have been laughing; such is the power of a good antihero. I commend Mark Lawrence's writing! Dialogue and prose of this caliber is very rarely seen in breakthrough novelists. The main character Jorg is one you would never, ever forget! All in all, I enjoyed this book despite reading a genre I rarely ever do (fantasy) Can't wait for the 2nd installment 'King of Thorns'



View all my reviews

You never deigned to believe

Sometimes while Lolita would be haphazardly preparing her homework, sucking a pencil, lolling sideways in an easy chair with both legs over its arm, I would shed all my pedagogic restraint, dismiss all our quarrels, forget all my masculine pride – and literally crawl on my knees to your chair, my Lolita! You would give me one look – a gray furry question mark of a look: “Oh no, not again” (incredulity, exasperation); for you never deigned to believe that I could, without any specific designs, ever crave to bury my face in your plaid skirt, my darling! The fragility of those bare arms of yours – how I longed to enfold them, all your four limpid lovely limbs, a folded colt, and take your head between my unworthy hands, and pull the temple skin back on both sides, and kiss your chinesed eyes, and – “Pulease, leave me alone, will you” you would say, “for Christ’s sake leave me alone.” And I would get up from the floor while you looked on, your face deliberately twitching in imitation of my tic nerveux. But never mind, never mind, I am only a brute, never mind, let us go on with my miserable story.

Lolita, Vladimir Nabokov 

Part 2, chapter 10

A past I've never known

'Hey' she said, an obvious smile in her voice as he showed up out of the blue and leaned over her.

I saw her hand caressing his arm, in the most natural of ways.

Tiny hands, thin fingers. Nails long, blunt cut and painted.

Her fingers gently weaving a story on his skin with supple ease of motion 

I stood there a few feet behind them, unmoving 

and for a brief moment, all I could think was

"Those were the hands that touched him; that's the touch he felt"

Though he's now mine, he was once hers

The Book Sniffer

From: Mid-Week Moment of Zen (featuring The Book Sniffer)

The Pencil

I really love my Pencil. The weight is so nicely distributed - a solid feel that practically pulls you towards the tip ♥

Sighssssss

I wish I could tell you I'm sorry
I wish I had spent more time... just more time, because I didn't know that was all the time I had left
I wish I didn't have to spend my first birthday without you next week
I wish I still had you here for mothers day... what am I going to do?
I'm sorry ma...

Tryst with Happiness

Today I woke up, made myself a sandwich, took a nice long hot shower, changed and walked out to the football field in the 1pm sun and sat on a bench for about 45mins, just taking in the sun and breeze and nature :) My b/f met me there and we came back to my apartment where we chilled, laughed, talked, horse around, laughed some more and just downright enjoyed a lovely relaxing evening together. Then a friend called, picked us up and we all went for doubles! Ended the night with a burning bang! heheh. So today was a beautiful day - a tryst with happiness in between all the stress and drama of Final Exams etc.

I'm a Major Microblogger

The posting of very short entries or updates on a blog or social networking site, typically via a cell phone.

Running out of time

I'm so frustrated right now. I feel like I'm just stuck! I don't know what to do >.< I can't seem to chose a topic for essay 1 in Social Psychology. I spent an hour reading one topic, then realized I just don't want to do it anymore. I hate this. I'm supposed to have 2 to 3 topics prepared per essay section, and I can't even pick one!
Now I'm reviewing things I've already learned for midterms and I feel like I can't remember anything anymore. My brain doesn't want to learn or something. Then there's Statistics - I'm entirely screwed for this exam. I don't know how to handle my time right now. I think I'm panicking.

This song... is sex

Bring your love baby I could bring my shame
Bring the drugs baby I could bring my pain
I got my heart right here
I got my scars right here

Rain, rain

When crying meets rain meets kiss

It sort of looks like this

Hopefully I won't hurt anyone

It's rather weird, but randomly I sometimes think these words 

KILL | DIE | STAB | SCREAM

and there's this intense violent urge scratching under the surface of my skin

After the tears, the reasons for the fears

I never realized till now how terrifying it is to realize that someone has had all of you...

That level of trust I thought was beyond me

This is a tricky place to be

So I will be scared, I will cry and I will trust

Love does that

The beauty of Literature

Stiff?

A few minutes into one of my classes today, my lecturer suddenly looked in my direction and asked "You have a stiff neck?" ... I said "Who, me?" ... she said "yeah"... I said "Yeah kinda"... *pause*... "You can see it?" ... She said "Yeah" ....... Then we continued on our discussion about how childhood disorders differ from those of different ages.

My discussion ended there for awhile though, least in my head... I couldn't help but wonder how noticeable my symptoms are becoming; if it was something more pronounced lately because of the stress of upcoming exams, or was it because she was just observant and happened to be at just the right angle such that I had to twist my body to see her, or if this is how it's always been and  I just got so accustomed to it, as much as those closest to me such that these disabilities have become part of who I am.

So yeah, I cannot:

• Turn my head much
• Make a fist
• Drop my shoulders
• Reach my hands behind my back
• Fold my legs
• Walk fast

As much as I would like to think that I've forgotten these things, adjusting and functioning in a seemingly normal way requires effort and thus, cognition. 

Best I stay in my room

I'm really, really unhappy about my weight - body image - right now
Constantly my mind jumps to these thoughts of dissatisfaction, disgust, self consciousness, sadness... I hate how I look and how it makes me feel. I really, really do! 

I'm quite loving this

like pulling teeth.. from iamachoncord on 8tracks.

Fat - I defriend you

I really hate being this fat. I haven't been this uncomfortable in my own skin (for weight reasons), in years!!! I feel terrible

Since mom died...

I just signed into my email, saw 2 mails and immediately deleted them. For the last 10years of my life, this was something I would never have done. It was my horoscope.
Since my mom died, I stopped reading my horoscope - I felt lied to and cheated by it since they still send her her horoscope ... but she's not even alive!
Since mom died, I've stopped going to Satsangh. I haven't gone to a rock show, concert or any big lime. I find it really difficult and thus fail miserably at keeping in touch with most of the people in my life.
Since mom died, it feels like the house itself is slowly dying... like the life force of 'home' is no longer here. I feel like I have to use up all the products or throw them away since they are rapidly approaching their own demise.
Since mom died, I've been eating without being hungry. I eat as though I have no idea where my next meal is coming from; and half the times, I don't.

Golly!

Approximately 2 weeks ago, I made an entry - click here to read that post - called "A's?" I quote:

I got an A in one of my midterms
3 more results are still outstanding
I'm pretty sure that this A would be my best mark for these midterms though

Now, I'm still in disbelief as I'm typing this but since then I got 2 more of my results and both were A's! Both of these came as a surprise to me. The 1st one I got an A- when I was honestly just hoping to pass, since I remember being really sick for that exam. The 2nd one, I saw my results just a few hours ago, I got 1pt short of the highest in my class ... I was shocked! Really and truly shocked by that result. See the thing is, I left out a question worth 2 marks, so out of 25, I was already looking at 23. The highest mark was 22 and well, you worked it out - I got 21/25.  


Me talking about it or being all happy may seen boastful or to a lot of people, they may think of my good grades as 'expected' - but the thing is, I've never been one of those 'A' students. This is the 1st time this is happening to me, least since primary school days. I personally still cannot figure out if it's me doing well, or the system just being easy; but according to the frequency distribution of results so far, I'm actually on the top end. 


Anyways... I'm happy about this result. All things considered, all the madness and sadness in my life lately, at least there is this one thing that's saying 'hey, don't give up, you're doing something good here' -- (at least for midterms)

This boy, my boy :)

Sometimes I look at him and all I can think is "wow, I really like this boy"
I think he's absolutely wonderful
He's such a horrible, beautiful person

Curled up with my book :)