Words Unspoken

2012-01-26T03:28:00.000-04:00

I want to watch my thoughts like they are voyagers, sailing over the sea of my mind; my emotions as just the stirring of water behind -- then wait -- Calm

Start your new chapter

2012-01-25T13:32:00.000-04:00

My days are lovely, painful; you hurt me and I love you

2012-01-25T01:02:00.000-04:00

My first day back out for the Semester went pretty well. There was something so strange and almost precious about waking up all on my own and being responsible for myself and to myself in getting to class and doing what I had to do. I absolutely loved my first lecture! The course itself and the lecturer are both very intriguing. The walk back to Milner was long and tiresome but ... well *smirks* it was well worth it =)

Today, my second day, started off almost the opposite. I felt so sleepy, rundown and pained. I started my day by calling my dad, just to touch base before the day gets busy, then I did the needful and slowly laboured onto campus. I found myself chanting a mantra with EVERY step I took! In doing so, I became aware that I haven't quite finished learning how to walk again (Post THRs) so with each painful step, I made a conscious effort to lift, bend, go forward and drop, curl, lift, bend, go forward and drop... on and on and on and on. I started using muscles I rarely used before, all in the effort to widen my stride and appear more fluid.

I observed everyone walking pass me, and I really mean everyone. There was no human being who was behind me in any noticeable distance who did NOT overtake me at some point. It's unnerving and sometimes throws me into a real uncomfortable zone. After 10 minutes of walking, I finally had to remind myself that 'hey, you should be happy, you're walking with titanium hips... you're actually walking; something you couldn't exactly do a few years ago' ... So I trod over the dewy wet grass, letting the coolness caress my very painful tired feet and I smiled knowing that I've come a long way and I need to stop being so hard on myself.

Later in the day, my person and his friend and I all had class at the same time, so we quickly packed up our lunch and were heading on our way. I told them I'll walk with them since I'm going to class as well and it was on the way to their class. I actually was looking forward to having their company to class for a change, since it's very rare that our class times coincide. Now what happened next, I'm afraid I will admit, really hurt me. They, knowing I was coming with them, knowing we're going in the same direction for the same time, decided to walk on along at their own merry pace, leaving me behind. I feigned childish offence hoping he would at least remember 'oh right, she can't walk as fast as we do' but, with or without that registering in his mind, they still, for the entire walk, stayed well ahead of me, despite stopping at times to make sure I was following, but never letting me reach their sides. It was barely a minute if so much, but it was so humiliating for me. I was so hurt and angry! Why would you leave me behind if you KNOW I'm walking with you guys? Why stop to show that you are aware that I'm straggling behind, but never once let me reach up to you? I felt so horrible and ashamed and belittled and inadequate and disappointed and angry and... hurt.

Of course I didn't say or do anything about it since I had to go in my class and they had to go to theirs. It just really hurt me. I don't think its even fathomable to others how aware I am of my own limitations and how hard I try to integrate myself into the normal workings of things. I may appear normal and whatever, but I'm battling with chronic pain and trying my best to hide those manyyyy little things I just cannot do! Case in point - I cannot walk fast, so I walk slowly ... and people would just think I LIKE to walk slowly, that it's just my thing. But that's far from it... I walk slowly because each step I take is a painful task, I'm terribly weak and the movement in itself, is a limited one.

Anyways, in writing this, I realize that after that midday incident; I somehow managed to orchestrate my situation such that I didn't have to walk with anyone again. I either went alone, or didn't go at all. Such is the power of betrayed trust and being hurt. Even with something as seemingly silly as this, I've come to realize that I shouldn't have to keep proving myself to the world in trying to fit in anymore. So rather than trying to put myself through the pain of trying to keep up or the humiliation of being left behind, I may have to walk alone... though I don't want to. I really don't want to. If it's anyone, I wish he won't do this to me again (I don't know how to tell him)

Tea and Books Reading Challenge

2012-01-14T22:54:00.000-04:00

This challenge was inspired by C.S. Lewis' famous words, "You can never get a cup of tea large enough or a book long enough to suit me."

You better settle in with a large cup of tea, because in this challenge you will only get to read ... wait for it ... books with more than 700 pages. I'm deadly serious. We all have a few of those tomes on our shelves and somehow the amount of pages often prevents us from finally picking them up. You may choose novels only, no short story collections or anthologies, and in case you're trying a short cut by picking large print editions of a book, well I'm sorry, those do not qualify for this challenge! Let's battle those tomes that have been collecting dust on our shelves, so no re-reads, please!

2 Books - Chamomile Lover (this will be the one I'll try)

4 Books - Berry Tea Devotee

6 Books - Earl Grey Aficionado

8 or more Books - Sencha Connoisseur

To sign up, please read the general rules below! Then post about the challenge on your blog, including the button above, and don't forget to link back to the Tea & Books Reading Challenge page on my blog!

*****

RULES

Anyone may join. Just leave a comment below with the following info:
Name / Blog (if you have one) / Chosen Level

I'll comprise a list with everyone and add it to this page!

Updates on the challenge will be posted on a regular basis and you may then comment with your own progress.

The challenge will take place between January 1st and December 31st 2012.

You can join any time between now and early 2012.

You have to pick a level, though you may "upgrade" to the next one at any time. In this case just drop me a line, so I can change your previous level.

You don't need to list your books ahead of time, though I won't object if you do. I'm definitely curious about your book choices for these challenges.

The books you choose may crossover into other challenges.

Both physical and eBooks are allowed, though personally I feel that especially the Tea & Books Reading Challenge is more fun with real books.

Reviews of the books read are not mandatory.

To sign up: Click ME!

Believe in Love

2012-01-14T02:04:00.002-04:00

2012-01-13T21:48:00.001-04:00

"When I try to analyze my own cravings, motives, actions and so forth, I surrender to a sort of retrospective imagination which feeds the analytic faculty with boundless alternatives and which causes each visualized route to fork and re-fork without end in the maddeningly complex prospect of my past."

- Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

The Last Apprentice (Book Review)

2012-01-11T23:55:00.001-04:00

Name: The Last Apprentice: Revenge of the Witch by Joseph Delaney

Date: 11.01.12

Link: http://amzn.com/B00570S19U

Hmmm where do I start? I decided to give this book a shot, since I had per-ordered it and got it free. It looked pretty interesting and the reviews were promising. I eventually dived head on and got sucked in. The writing is easy and flows well. It's the First person POV, in the voice of the young protagonist Tom, therefore it is pretty easy to read for a child. The story was good but something was lacking. Every buildup ended on a rather dull crescendo, but it did nonetheless, grip the reader all the way. It IS too scary for the younger spectrum age group, I have to admit that much. As an adult I find some of the things highly disturbing, worst yet for a child. Age is subjective though, so in all fairness, it should be okay for the slightly older ones.

The one thing that soured this book for me, was a somewhat misogynist undertone. I was actually sad that it changed my feelings about the book as I read on, because I really wanted to totally love it! But there were some instances where it was not even subtle enough to get lost in the riveting reading itself. Suffice to say, I do believe that the series is promising and it is an entertaining read. There is room for improvement in character & plot development. I think the author got a bit sloppy with the story's linkages and tie ins and of course, in the 'sexist' commentary. I know the roles of men and women are indeed based on some reality, but it should not be so blatantly put forward in such an accepted way in a novel that's targeted at children.

2012-01-10T21:44:00.000-04:00

This sickness

2012-01-09T20:51:00.000-04:00

It's pulling me in again...
My loyalties are flying everywhere, bouncing off the walls, leaving splatters of blood, leaking in my brain.

It's gripping me from the inside...
I trust no one; all sense of love and care smashes to the floor bleeding into every uncertainty in my heart.

Plans be gone! Go away friends! Leave me alone relations!
It's not like I need to make it happen anyway, I'm abandoned all the same
Nothing really matters right now, just this vice on my mind, shattering my sanity and letting it ooze ... away

Why?

2012-01-08T03:27:00.001-04:00

Why?? Why why why? Whyyyyyy! Why ma? Whyyyyyy did you have to die?? Why like that? Why sooooo soon? Why now?! I need you Ma!! :'(

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.2

I think I should give up the Ghost

2012-01-07T01:18:00.000-04:00

Dark Sessions

2012-01-06T14:40:00.003-04:00

Dark Sessions - Couldn't help but be captivated by this picture. You can see the blogger's complete works from that session here: http://laperm.wordpress.com/2012/01/06/dark-sessions/

HATE me

2012-01-03T19:03:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I really hate myself
I don't recall ever having so much self loathing earlier in my life.
I hate myself so much sometimes that I want to just get away from everything and everyone. I want to jump on a plane and go somewhere where no one knows me and nobody cares and there is nobody for me to disappoint or hurt, except myself.
I hate myself so much sometimes because I feel betrayed and alone and I start hating everyone! And then I hate myself for feeling that way. I miss everyone so much that I start hating them and myself. I feel so unbelievably HOPELESS! An absolute failure as a person. I hurt everyone who loves me and everyone hurts me. Life is full of pain and disappointment. Where did that happy me go? I love life and I love the world, yet now I hate me! Wtf is wrong with me?! WHY do I feel this way, so STRONGLY! It's irrational, but so god damn real! *sighs*

Paper in my throat

2011-12-19T03:57:00.002-04:00

3:40am, Monday before Christmas 2011

I come off of my bed because I cannot sleep. I've read out 2 books for the night, lovely little short kids stories, yet I feel uncomfortable. My throat feels tight. I initially think it's because of the position of my head on the pillow as I'm curled up reading, but after two days of this tightness, even I couldn't fool myself any longer to blame it all on posture. So I came off bed and hobbled down the stairs. My back, shoulder and neck aches so much, and my knee is a bit stiff. The pain meds I took earlier has alleviated some of the back pain but the general feeling of tightness and strain still lingers. My neck just gets worst. My head starts hurting and I wonder if maybe I am dehydrated. Downstairs now, I make myself a cuppa hot chocolate and gulped rather than sipped it slowly. With each motion of this comfort drink squeezing down my throat, it starts dawning on me, as slowly but as inescapable as the first light of day, that I need... to cry. The tightness in my chest, tightness in my throat, ache in my back and neck and tension in my head, are all the repercussions of grief suppressed. The vivid, anxiety type dreams should have indicated this to me sooner, but as usual, I am a master of denial. I need to cry and holding it all inside of me these past 2 to 3 days is doing me no good, no good at all.

I finished my cuppa hot chocolate and felt compelled to type this. I should mention, while drinking, I opened my bank statement and noticed for the first time there was no increase of $100. No more mommy = no more salary = no more automatic transfer of $100 a month to my savings account. Trivial as it may seem, there's nothing more potent than the rawness of our materialistic 'reality' to trigger a purposeful allowance for concern. Though the money may be of little consequence, the fact that she's gone screams at me in fine green writing on a three fold sheet of paper with my name on it.

A rant allowed

2011-12-15T21:02:00.002-04:00

I hate myself today
I hated myself yesterday
I don't want to hate myself tomorrow
But for now?
I hate me! I wanna suffer for just being such a stupid pathetic fool

I will let you down

2011-12-15T13:39:00.000-04:00

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

A Girl You Should Date

2011-12-14T21:12:00.007-04:00

A Girl You Should Date

Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.
Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.
She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.
Buy her another cup of coffee.
Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.
It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.
She has to give it a shot somehow.
Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.
Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.
If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.
You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.
Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.
Or better yet, date a girl who writes.

– Rosemarie Urquico –

A Christmas Carol

2011-12-09T17:52:00.001-04:00

I read this book countless times as a kid! Now that I'm a big girl now, I figure I should read the original, unabridged version with all the beautiful literary prose of the 1840's :) - My Christmas treat to myself. Who's with me? (it's free on kindle) - Click Me

Dear Ma

2011-12-09T15:04:00.001-04:00

Dear Ma,
Where are you? I really miss you!
It hurts more and more each day. Is this just the beginning? I didn't think it would get worst as time goes by... the pain of losing you... missing you... being confused. I'm so sorry Ma. For everything!!! I was selfish and impatient and ignorant and I didn't stop to truly recognize how much you were trying... not until it was too late. It breaks my heart ma, it BREAKS my heart... that you fought so hard even up till the end, if not for you, but to protect me :( ... I believed you! I honestly believed you when you said you were gonna be okay and you would live to play with your grand-kids. Was I that naive? Did you really believe it too? Was that what you wanted? Did death just take you away? Were you ready? Were you protecting me from the truth? Were you preparing me? Were you scared? ... You begged me not to leave you :( You begged me not to leave you alone... and I promised I won't. I promised I would stay... (but I couldn't) ... and then, that was the last thing you ever said to me Ma. I don't know how to deal with this... with you being gone. I still can't accept it. It hurts so much - each moment of pain is just as fresh and raw and real as the previous... if not worst. I'm so sorry ma... I forgive you for everything! I'm SO sorry I wasn't better. I'm so sorry... I just can't believe it Ma. I haven't told ppl about the last few days... not even Kevin knows of how hard and scary that was for me... and for you. I would NEVER forget the look on your face when the ambulance was taking you away. Gosh ma... I promised you it was going to be okay. I would NEVER forget the night before when I was holding you in my arms, you said that it felt so good, like you're in Vykunt... Why did you have to die now Ma? It's not supposed to be this way. You promised me! That you will not die till I'm married with my own kids. Why did I blindly believe that??
What about the stupid Astrologers in India? He didn't say you were going to die just a few months later!! He lied to us both! I hate him. Ma... why didn't I know that you were really going to die? Why didn't I know? Did you know? I cry all the time now Ma... Tears and pain is all I have right now. I miss you so much Ma! Do you know that? Are you here with me? Are you reading this? I need you to know, that I'm not okay and if you can see this, please... please... help me be okay again. I miss you Ma. There's a hollow churning void inside of me now... and no one can really understand that. Part of me died with you Ma. I love you

This is so me

2011-12-06T04:27:00.001-04:00

Grrrrrrr

2011-12-05T01:46:00.001-04:00

As I am typing this, I feel a sort of zap in my brain and my heart is pounding. I'm making efforts to take deep breaths.

Why are my emotions SO volatile??? In the last few days I've found myself shifting between extreme sadness and anger so easily. It's as though I can't differentiate the two right now. This weekend I had my first real angry outburst at God and life and everything for taking away my mommy. I was so unbelievably angry!!! I kept crying and pacing and had I the ability to clench my fist I would have... and then it would have most definitely found itself crashing into things. I wanted so much to break something and just scream! I thought I was losing my mind. I hated God at that moment. I cursed and screamed at God and hated him!!!! I guess it explains why since mom died, I have never been able to pray. I feel betrayed. I feel so angry. I feel so much despair and disillusionment. I don't want to go out. I don't go to satsanghs, or limes, or family gatherings, or social events or... anything. I cannot bare it. Sometimes I don't leave this room. Sometimes I hate everything and I hate myself. And I know better... and I know I know better... but I don't know why all these feelings are coming up.

Is this part of grief? Resentment and anger and disappointment and regret and fear and so much sadness!?!?

Tomorrow

2011-12-03T22:15:00.001-04:00

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

- Macbeth

That Perfect Moment

2011-11-29T23:42:00.001-04:00

I lie there, wrapped up in you,

You're always a few inches above me;

I look up at your beautiful face,

Your eyes closed, I'm where I should be exactly

Warm skin, gentle touch, steady breathing

My senses buried in layers of you,

My mouth smiles, my heart aches

and I know that I love you, I really do

An honest glimpse

2011-11-26T23:33:00.001-04:00

Ahhh... so much has been on my mind. I don't even know what exactly at this moment, so I'm just gonna let my fingers type...

I spent my first, entire full work-week at my apartment on Milner Hall. My feelings about it is still fluctuating. On Monday itself, I lay there on the bed, fully clothed with my jeans on, all dressed for class, and all I could feel was an overwhelming sense of 'I wanna go home'. It was the strongest 'homesickness' feeling I'd ever felt before. My mind started shooting thoughts in all different directions along the lines of: 'What am I doing here?' ... 'I hate this place?' ... 'Why am I even trying?' ... 'Maybe starting back school was just a big mistake!' ... and that's just the tip of the iceberg. I was thinking about mom, our financial situation, my brother, my health, my counseling session and if I should go, my classes and if I should go, my bf, my friends, my body and it's extra layers of fat and acne ... and I felt the anxiety and despondence intertwine with each other, going round and round, pulling me down..twisting around my throat like a noose!!! ... until there was nothing left to do but collapse into myself and switch the lights off on my consciousness. There we have it... I was dressed and ready for class, which was just 3 minutes walk away from my room, but instead I fell into a deep, dream-full sleep.

I woke up only to my alarm, which nonetheless I snoozed a few times. I had a session with my counsellor. Before I could change my mind, I just peeled myself off the bed, brushed my teeth and walked right out the door and proceeded towards C.A.P.S My clothes may have been wrinkled, my face still showing the lines of the pillow creases and my hair, well - bed head... but I cared not, and just walked. My mind was blank and my focus only on each step and each breath. I walked into the room w/o the slightest idea of what I was going to say, or even of what I was thinking. All I could do was feel... and what I felt was blank and very, very down. The counsellor is impressive... and I use that word in particular because I actually am impressed. I've had my share of secret disappointment and disillusionment w/ psychologists in the past; there's nothing more disenchanting than walking out of a session and knowing full well that you were able to 'fool' your doctor by silly layers of self protection and enigmatic obscurity while never once actually touching on what's really, really bothering you. Now I've met two professionals who are able to 'see through' my facade and really make sense of things, and help me make sense of things as well. Anyways, back to that particular session... long story short, I cried my eyes out. I actually, for the first time, spoke about certain things regarding mom's death and illness and my feelings and connection to it all. It felt so disconnected, like I was just vomiting out stories at random, jumping in all different directions; yet somehow at the end, it all came together, with her help of course... and best of all, it came out of me. 'It' being a slice of whatever I've been keeping locked inside of me... still keeping locked inside - Guilt, Fear, Sadness, Regret, Anger, Pain...

The crying made me feel better and then, like a miracle, I left that session to walk into a most beautiful surprise! My bf showed up at my place with sandwiches all ready, arms wide open for cuddles and whispers of 'I love you' with feelings so true and strong that the moment of happiness was nothing short of palpable; in every way.

Sputnik Sweetheart

2011-11-20T20:01:00.001-04:00

So that’s how we live our lives. No matter how deep and fatal the loss, no matter how important the thing that’s stolen from us—that’s snatched right out of our hands—even if we are left completely changed people with only the outer layer of skin from before, we continue to play out our lives this way, in silence. We draw ever nearer to our allotted span of time, bidding it farewell as it trails off behind. Repeating, often adroitly, the endless deeds of the everyday. Leaving behind a feeling of immeasurable emptiness.

My First Night in Milner

2011-11-19T00:34:00.002-04:00

Thursday, 17 November 2011

My First Night in Milner

It’s 10pm on the dot and in lieu of the internet, I’ve decided to take my need for expression & addiction to typing to the white blank pages of a word document. Don’t get me wrong, we actually have internet here – it’s an Ethernet connection. However, after much trying and pushing the cord into both the blue and red ports (and even trying different Ethernet cords), my brother finally told me that ‘Oh the Ethernet port in your laptop doh work eh’ O_O ß yes… this was me. I realize that I would really be forced to do work tonight after all.

I ventured out of my room after some time because I was really, REALLY, craving that coke that I had put in the fridge earlier today. This coke had a tiny little yellow post it label with ‘Tunks 320’ written on it; 320 is my room number. I actually requested this room in particular because of the view of campus, rather than the busy bus route. To fuel my conviction that room 320 was a better choice than my 310 and 311 options, I added that the latter 2 were situated too close to the common room and kitchen so chances of being disturbed by smells and noises would be higher. As I am typing this, I am beginning to be really thankful that I chose 320 after all, ‘cuz despite being pass the half-way point down the corridor, I can still hear the clatter and chatter of people fixing up dinner and watching some tv in the common room. It’s kind of comforting to be honest. Anyways, back to what I was saying… I ventured out for my coke. I met a girl in the kitchen, cooking some food. I forgot her name already … typical. She was really nice though, recognizing I was new, asking my name and where I’m from and then introducing me to the other guys who were gathered around the tv. She also told me the ‘blue’ Ethernet port is the right one to use.

Anyways, I’m gonna read some notes or a novel on my kindle. Oh, I don’t know if it’s the a/c or the altitude or all the tiles and blank walls… but the static electricity on me is super high. My clothes is sticking to me and my hair is all straight and scary. Last time this happened to me was when I was in India and England. Never really in Trinidad, at least not to this extent. All that’s left is to wake up tomorrow with a host of plastic bags gathered around my bed – that’s a story for next time.

Goodnight

Genius

2011-11-13T14:35:00.003-04:00

Some things are better left unknown

2011-11-13T01:17:00.000-04:00

I feel so much self loathing tonight. Guilt and shame

Panic... Don't

2011-11-10T23:28:00.001-04:00

Anxiety...
What is this?
The first time I got what I can call a true 'panic attack' was on January 1st 2011, in Woodfood Cafe in Chaguanas... where Mom, Dad & I decided to go in and 'check it out' ... It was shortly after finding out about mom's relapse and ... well, long story short, I found myself heart racing, head spinning, unable to breathe and needing to stand in 1 spot & hold on to a counter trying to calm down.
Now, 11 months later... this feeling is slowly becoming a part of my everyday life. Maybe not so much in intensity, but I'm a bundle of 'freaking out in my head' and keep consciously taking deep, steady diaphragmatic breaths. I've never been the anxious, scared, freaked out type... I am easily excitable, yes... but never this easily freaked. It's scary. I'm scary. I'm scared

Huggup pillow

2011-09-25T06:59:00.000-04:00

I am sleeping with your Huggup pillow now ma. It's 645am on a Sunday. I woke up to wee and I walked into your room to check dad. He's sleeping soundly. I wonder how it must feel to sleep alone on the bed for the first time in over 30 years? I miss you so much ma. I am dreaming you more often now. in fact I'm awake now cuz I woke up from a dream with you. I'm back under covers writing this from my itouch. Oh btw, I got my new camera!!! It's pretty amazing and I haven't even checked out 99% of it's features yet. Oh and ma, I'm flaring up really badly lately but I'm trying really hard to manage school through it. I need to do another infusion asap. I love you so much ma! I miss you so hard that it hurts deep inside of me. I miss hugging you up. You know I am a hug addict and you were my number 1 weakness. Mommy... I love you. Please take care of me in whatever way you can. I need you still

Suffer no more

2011-09-20T02:23:00.000-04:00

You really suffered Ma... you really went through so much pain and discomfort!

You suffered... tortured in your own body.

But you never stopped loving me.

To the very end, you held on to me with the last umph of strength you had in your hands.

To the very end, you held onto me with all the emotion and connection possible.

You never stopped loving me

I would never stop loving you

I miss you Ma

I want to email you

2011-09-16T01:59:00.000-04:00

*breatheeeeeeeee* You know... I intended to email you everyday while I was up in my apt... like the good ole days, cept it woulda been easier cuz I have wifi... Gosh Ma, I didn't expect this :'(

I'm sitting here in my new apartment, spending my very 1st night... and I got no you to call me. Got no you to email me. Got no you to worry about me hoping I'm okie. I got no you to email me

& I have wifi ma! I have wifi :'(

This hurts so much ... so much!

Break in the banks

2011-09-05T05:04:00.000-04:00

Dear Ma
I came here to write to you saying that I'm organizing for my 1st official day back out to school... good old UWI.... but then I saw a video I was tagged in, a tribute to you made by the Sai Youth.
I cried ma... I finally cried. And it felt like just the tip of the iceberg.
Ma...
Anyways, I been up since 4am cuz I gotta reach for 8am... well, daz when my ride has to reach, my actual class isn't till midday. I hope you are seeing all this & watch over me today okie?
I love you
:'(

4 days later

2011-08-27T22:26:00.004-04:00

Things are getting harder. I'm having too many conflicting emotions. Anger, disappointment, resentment, fear, worry, agitation, frustration, sadness, deep sadness, loneliness, being deserted, overwhelmed, blank, volatile...
I don't know who to trust or hold onto anymore, I'm tempted to push everyone away... or well, you know me, more like... retract into myself and fall away instead. I'm so scared of doing that because at the same time I don't want to be alone... but I'm terrified of relying on anyone anymore, because it hurts too much to be let down. I hate being this vulnerable on the inside. I really miss her. I think I am going to go up to bed early tonight and finally cry.
On another note, I don't feel very well. Headache, joint flare, pain, nausea & general malaise... & you know how much fever makes me miserable. I find myself clenching & grinding my teeth sometimes to keep myself from breaking down... sometimes I hold my breath & try to swallow. Gosh, I know I will get through this, but it's just... really hard... & I know it's gonna get worst before it gets better. Guide me, please.
PS: It's 1 week since the ambulance took her to the hospital
PPS: I don't trust my own feelings right now so I don't trust my decisions to push ppl away *sighs*

I know you loved to check my blog

2011-08-26T11:11:00.000-04:00

Dear Ma,

Your brothers are over right now, well 3 of them a.t.m & Adrian. They're playing all fours and uncle Johnny is making a huge pot of soup. It's not too bad right now... Their company is keeping me from missing you too much as yet. In all honesty though, it hasn't hit me yet. I remember you told me not to cry for me when you die and I told you that I will bawl down d place and then die after... and you told me no I won't. Well... I took myself by surprise, cuz I didn't cry. There were hundreds of ppl for the service & cremation... & I didn't cry. I was happy for you. Happy you can leave that body you were suffering in. I need to cry though... & I'm just delaying the inevitable. So far the only person I truly broke down in front off was Rao, your new favorite pseudo son hahahaha... As soon as he walked into the room, in just seconds, w/o saying a word... I started to cry. I'm having a hard time standing any of the other family/ppl around though... Your immediate family is fine & my chosen friends... but everyone else is just a blur or has me on the edge of tripping. But I'm holding it together for now... Please make sure that when I do fall apart, that you're there to keep the pieces from scattering too far & you can help me put it back together again.
Love always,
Your Shugs

PS: I'm sleeping with that Kaftan you came into d hospital with... the one they slit down to take off of you and I told u dat not to worry, u can wear it as a shirt lol ..... We washed it, so don't think I'm that gross. But I'm sleeping with it next to my pillow.

I made Fat my friend

2011-08-08T00:13:00.000-04:00

I just had this thought: If I was back to my original size... or generally a 'skinny b*tch' (yes, I got that from the book)... my life right now would probably have been considerably more complicated. I realize maybe people really do take comfort and solitude in fat. That people really do protect themselves and hide behind it. You see right... being overweight right now messes horribly with my self esteem... which would immediately make me put myself in the 'one of the boys' category in my own relations w the opposite sex.... and thus never have to deal with the self consciousness and demands of being a 'bess thing' that guys always checking out.

I can easily be good friends with so many guys now, and have relations run so smoothly, because there is no uncomfortable 'checking me out' scene... I am - One of the Guys -

But sooner or later, I will be back to my original size...Hmmm..... but least in the mean while I would have fostered some good friendships with a deeper foundation other than being 'bess'

Ok I gtg now, I left my subway toasting in the oven :)

The Smiths - Asleep

2011-08-05T03:42:00.000-04:00

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I'm tired and I
I want to go to bed

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
And then leave me alone
Don't try to wake me in the morning
'Cause I will be gone
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore

Sing to me
Sing to me
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore

Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I really want to go

There is another world
There is a better world
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well ...

Bye bye
Bye bye
Bye ...

2011-08-04T22:48:00.000-04:00

I real donno what's wrong with me. I'm making myself blog this.

Hmmm... I change my mind

In a nutshell, there is a cold sweaty weakness that takes over my body... makes it hard to swallow. A wave of it came over me so strong, that I ended up on bed. I was trapped in a state of sleep/wake ...and the only reason I got up was because I really needed to wee. I was drifting, literally drifting about all dizzy. The feeling reminds me of that most horrible experience I had after my surgery when I blacked out. It's like an after-shock...

Maybe I'm having phantom post-op sensations .... or maybe something really is wrong with me

I end this here because my limbs cannot type anymore

Someday I would be a flower...

2011-08-02T19:45:00.001-04:00

I disappear

2011-08-01T15:39:00.001-04:00

I'm listening to a few Hootie and The Blowfish songs right now - Thank you YouTube for making music so easily accessible and thank you 25mb internet connection for making songs load so easily.

On another note, I'm trying to figure out something about myself. Hmmm... I don't know why it is I want out so badly. Like... I was just waiting for a series of events to be over so I no longer have to be coasting the obligatory roles that accompany it. The immense freedom I feel now, is indescribable. But why should I want to be dis-involved? Hmmm it's almost like I can't trust that this is what I really want or if it's the m(s)adness talking. I'm really leaning towards the former though, and just questioning my intentions because ... well... my mom made out my scene. I really want to get away. Maybe it's because I know that I never really can. But my God it feels so good to just disappear from that whole scene.

Maybe I won't stop till I get it right

2011-07-31T04:32:00.000-04:00

My mom asked me today if I was going insane...

Tonight I cried. I cried like someone had died.

And I let him be there for me...

The Perks of being a Wallflower

2011-07-29T18:50:00.000-04:00

I sat outside in my porch reading till the point I needed to use my kindle case light to see.... The Perks of Being a Wallflower is going sooooooo good! I keep re-reading passages in awe. What disturbs me a little, is that... I'm really relating to the protagonist... in ways that I probably shouldn't. It's messing with my mind... The things he says, the way he thinks... It's as though I'm suddenly becoming aware that my thoughts maybe aren't that unusual... But then again, Charlie is supposedly a very odd character... and now 45% into the book, I'm realizing that he's maybe as unwell as I am.... (hmm) There are so many passages and paragraphs that I want to quote but I won't... not as yet. Maybe when I finish the book. I see they're making it into a Movie in 2012... I can't wait to see it! It's a YA novel... I can't imagine reading this when I was younger. The timing right NOW... is perfect

The Verve Pipe - The Freshmen (Boyce Avenue acoustic cover)

2011-07-23T23:10:00.006-04:00

My most favorite song of all time! (loved it since it came out in 1997) ... here is a cover version which amazingly enough, I'm absolutely in love with as well:

♩ ♪ ♫

When I was young I knew everything
She, a punk who rarely ever took advice
Now I'm gilt stricken, sobbing with my head on the floor
Stop a baby's breath and a shoe full of rice now

I can't be held responsible
Cause she was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me
I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me
I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

My best friend took a week's vacation to forget her
His girl took a weeks' worth of Valium and slept
Now he's guilt stricken sobbing with his head on the floor
Thinks about her now and how he never really wept he says

I can't be held responsible
Cause she was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me
I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me
I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

We've tried to wash our hands of all this
We never talk of our lacking relationships
And how we're guilt stricken sobbing with our heads on the floor
We fell through the ice when we tried not to slip, we'd say

I can't be held responsible
Cause she was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me
I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me
I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

♩ ♪ ♫

To download the Original Song, click here: The Verve Pipe - The Freshmen MP3

The Calm

2011-07-20T00:47:00.002-04:00


"They made us participate in their own madness, because we couldn't help but retrace their steps, rethink their thoughts, and see that none of them led to us. We couldn't imagine the emptiness of a creature who put a razor to her wrists and opened her veins, the emptiness and the calm" - The Virgin Suicides

2011-07-12T01:06:00.000-04:00

The whosh of blood in my head is so loud. If my contained behaviour is so disturbing then imagin what you will think if you saw me now. I want all this to end. I don't want anymore. I can't handle it and I can't handle you! :'( ... I just want out, please. Please...

Dear Universe

2011-07-11T01:30:00.002-04:00

What..de..Yam! I don't get it! Universe... what are u doing?? Twists & turns so many, I can't keep up. Why must you be so awesomely confusing? :-/ I am barely allowed to recognize a change or grasp it's meaning before another one stems out of it. It's as though all developments spiral onto each other at the same time and feed off each other and build on each other at the same time.

Not a moment passes from a specific, stated desire before you throw the most ironic string of events my way.

You must think I can handle this all... I pray you're not mistaken. But are you ever really?

2011-07-07T21:41:00.002-04:00

Writing is a socially acceptable form of getting naked in public - Paulo Coelho

THIS is all in living

2011-07-02T01:04:00.004-04:00

I was lying on bed feeling overwhelmed: scared, anxious, skeptical, worried & spiraling down into a range of negative emotions about doing something - from scratch - dropping everything I did before & following my dream. Going somewhere that has sooooooooooooo many bitter sweet memories and essentially taking the hardest route possible in my range of choices. A true challenge to myself. Then out of no where... these words came to me with such force & with so much emotion behind it that I just HAD to write it down. I pulled out my iTouch and at that 4am hour, this is what I wrote:

This is part of my life!! It's not something that I'm just trying to finish, it's something I am going to experience! To actually live each step 1 at a time. I am where I am supposed to be. Each moment is in itself a destination. I don't have to worry or fear that i don't have it all figured out. I don't have to be afraid. I just need to go and live! Why feel bad? Why rush? Life does not start when you [omitted text]. Life begins NOW. Life always has been and I can't keep waiting in fear. This is my experience. It is my life. It is my now. One step at a time. Everything is as it should be. You'll be great!! :)

Sent from my iPod

I never want to forget this. It was as if God was speaking to me. Or out of no where, with no stimulation what so ever, I tapped into some sort of deep seated knowledge sleeping inside of me...or a spark of the universal truth just burst into my brain. I cannot describe it. But I want to keep remembering this.

Part of a letter to a friend

2011-06-27T22:40:00.002-04:00

Maybe I am somewhere so deep & I'm so accustom to that I can't fathom the possibility of there being a better brighter alternative? ... It's hard to grasp. Can we become COMFORTABLE with pain & sadness to the point it really does become the norm?

Let me be

2011-06-26T13:03:00.000-04:00

I don't wanna go... I don't wanna be anything more than whatever it takes to just stay here on bed . I need there to be a way to not go.

Alien Ant Farm - Attitude

2011-06-24T02:25:00.001-04:00

All you see is red lights behind me

Maybe this isn't what you wanted baby

and I don't blame you falling backwards

No one's ever quite confused you this way

and all this time we wasted away

The never ending cycle

2011-06-22T02:46:00.002-04:00

Maybe this is why we just can't be totally Good
Because I can't deal with how much I hate the fact that I love you
And the subtleties of that vibe will forever stand in our way
As long as I feel it
And I'll keep feeling the hate of love as long as we're not good
How's that for ironic? (youmotherfuckingasshole)

2011-06-19T04:30:00.000-04:00

You have this inexplicable ability to .... me

2011-06-19T04:26:00.002-04:00

Is it enough for you to kill me?

2011-06-19T03:09:00.003-04:00

Is it okay if I died?

If your fear becomes a wordless darkness...

2011-06-16T23:52:00.000-04:00

"I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unerring ease. It begins in your mind, always. One moment you are feeling calm, self-possessed, happy. Then fear, disguised in the garb of mild- mannered doubt, slips into your mind like a spy. Doubt meets disbelief and disbelief tries to push it out. But disbelief is a poorly armed foot soldier. Doubt does away with it with little trouble. You become anxious. Reason comes to do battle for you. You are reassured. Reason is fully equipped with the latest weapons technology. But, to your amazement, despite superior tactics and a number of undeniable victories, reason is laid low. You feel yourself weakening, wavering. Your anxiety becomes dread. Fear next turns fully to your body, which is already aware that something terribly wrong is going on. Already your lungs have flown away like a bird and your guts have slithered away like a snake. Now your tongue drops dead like an opossum, while your jaw begins to gallop on the spot. Your ears go deaf. Your muscles begin to shiver as if they had malaria and your knees to shake as though they were dancing. Your heart strains too hard, while your sphincter relaxes too much. And so with the rest of your body. Every part of you, in the manner most suited to it, falls apart. Only your eyes work well. They always pay proper attention to fear.

Quickly you make rash decisions. You dismiss your last allies: hope and trust. There, you've defeated yourself. Fear, which is but an impression, has triumphed over you. The matter is difficult to put into words. For fear, real fear, such as shakes you to your foundation, such as you feel when you are brought face to face with your mortal end, nestles in your memory like a gangrene: it seeks to rot everything, even the words with which to speak of it. So you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don't, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you."

From the book Life of Pi by Yann Martel

I sink into myself

2011-06-16T01:03:00.001-04:00

I can't think. I can't make decisions. The mere idea of making plans and decisions and any sort of activity that requires mental and physical energy is overwhelming me. I had to send out an email inviting people to an upcoming event and it took everything out of me to gather myself and my thoughts and TRY, really try to type the email up with some sort of coherence far less vitality.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to do anything. I feel unbelievably listless. A friend was simply asking me some questions regarding my mom and plans for this weekend and fathers day and what time I'm going to wake up tomorrow and I SWEAR to God, I started feeling a kind of ZAP in my brain!!! An actual physical neurological zap feeling in my head, like a flash of light that HURT... and I got so overwhelmed I just started to cry. I started to F****** CRY because I had to THINK to answer questions??? What the hell is wrong with me?

I need to start back school. I'm even dreaming about it. I'm dreaming myself in new apartments renting outside UWI. I'm reading about options and worrying myself sick with trying to figure out what to do, what I want... but then there comes a point where I just fall OFF. I go go go... develop in my thoughts and yearning... and as soon as it reaches where I need to actually do something, it stops. I can't. I can't function. I just sink back into myself.

I can't make plans. I can't organize anything. I have a meeting coming up and I must go. We're meeting to make plans and organize things. What am I going to do? *sighs*

I'm scared... I keep crying. Everything is so difficult. Getting dressed makes me tired. The idea of getting dressed makes me tired. I don't want to do anything. & that scares me...

Fight me

2011-06-13T20:28:00.004-04:00

Just thinking about you makes me feel sick. My stomach in knots, my chest heavy, my head starts spinning and tears threaten to escape. You're like a disease; a horrible horrible affliction that's fueled by addiction and clearly I'm a rebelling masochist fighting against my own masochistic nature of loving you.

If I'm fighting against myself and I win... did I really lose?

2011-06-11T14:37:00.001-04:00

If you knew how much this was hurting me, would you do things differently?

The Knife - Live - Heartbeats

2011-06-11T00:58:00.001-04:00

♪ ♫ ♩ ♬

And you, you knew the hand of a devil
And you kept us awake with wolves teeth
Sharing different heartbeats in one night

♡ ❤ ❥ ♡ ♥ ღ ɞ

Black Hole

2011-06-07T12:33:00.002-04:00

Dilated pupil ... in broad daylight

Am I high?

2011-06-06T14:53:00.001-04:00

I woke up this morning... floating. My body was bobbing around, spinning, drifting around and around and upside down. My limbs were resting on a cloud of nothingness. It was so sooooo unbelievably amazing.
I wasn't moving though... I was just lying there, physically dead to the world, but floating around effortlessly on the inside. I had to force myself awake... I could barely open my eyes.

My head... my head was pounding. I didn't want to wake up.

I eventually got downstairs, made a cuppa coffee and sat down............... I covered it and went right back on bed. After awhile I opened back my eyes and noticed that all moving objects had a trail behind it. Like those cursor options you get on your computer, to leave a trail.

At this very moment, it's still happening. A trail *moves my hand* ... yup... a trail!

Mom asked me what drugs I'm taking. Dad thinks I'm getting sick. But I'm okie...

My pupils are still dilated

Dilated

2011-06-05T22:57:00.001-04:00

Oh Jesus
In my entire life, I've never seen my pupils this dilated
I actually, shocked myself! I stood over the sink last night, brushing my teeth and I watched myself in the mirror... & like something out of the movies, I did a double take! like 'wait, what?!' ...... I stared into my own eyes and thought 'what the hell!' ............. 'I must be imagining things'
Later that night, I lay down next to mom on bed and was watching her eyes and I suddenly had an idea!
'WAIT' I said
I ran into another room, scrambling around looking for a little mirror.
I got one and came back next to her..... we faced the exact same light and I watched her eyes..... then watched mine....

HUGE DARK HOLES INTO MY SOUL!!!

My eyes were super dilated!!!
Now tonight, I've actually been told that I look 'drunk' or 'high' or 'on something' ...
You should see my EYES!!!

This is a pretty accurate example

You gave me something that I didn't have

2011-06-03T01:23:00.001-04:00

I love to share. Many of you know that... I'm always giving things. I can't not! I just... want to. If I can, I will.

But do you even know that I love to share of myself? I walk that line between being afraid to show it and wanting to just bare it all. Sometimes I just want to share who I am... what I'm going through... what I think... how I feel. Sometimes I want to just listen and be there for others.

I have so much to offer... and the ones that I give to... will inevitably fall away. I share me... I lose you.

Progress... Tragedy

2011-06-02T13:13:00.002-04:00

A quote from a friend's blog The Heights and The Lows, re-posted to my blog:

The progress of the world lies in man’s innate desire to possess that which he is denied by all forms of convention and constraint. The tragedy of the world is that man always loses appreciation for that which he possesses.

2011-05-31T23:55:00.000-04:00

Maybe I should start my meds tonight

You attract what you fear

2011-05-27T04:03:00.000-04:00

I became everything I never wanted to...
...and did all the things I said I never would...
...and lost exactly what it is I feared losing.
Good job Tunks.
You master self-sabotage.
Now onto a less painful life lesson...
(before you stop living)

Mute May

2011-05-22T01:19:00.000-04:00

A month without blogging ...
I guess some things really don't change. When life becomes most crazy and I have the most the say... it's the one time I say nothing. Nothing now, can possibly describe the last month I've had

Your physical form is no more

2011-04-24T15:55:00.002-04:00

Andres: Swami didn't make it
Me: What?

This was how the conversation began. My 1st thought was that someone didn't make it to the satsangh that he just went to. Darn. I didn't make it either... I was home sicky. But then, that would be quite a horrible typo to make though... mixing up *insert person's name* with 'Swami'

But it wasn't a mistake. Swami didn't make it. Sathya Sai Baba has left his physical form.

I have been incredibly reserved about my experiences in the Ashram. It was all intensely personal and definitely not something that's easily said or understood by others. I could never say this to others... everyone was estatic on my behalf! It was a personal and somewhat bitter argument between Swami and I. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to go. I didn't need to see him physical. I never wanted to. But no one see's Bhagawan w/o him wanting it to happen.... even if I didn't. Now I know why...

I keep thinking 'Swami... you knew! You've known all along! You called me to see you despite all my protest and reservations... you made SURE of it... because you knew" ..... No one else knew. No one knew that just the day after I landed back in Trinidad, that he would end up in the hospital.

I am tempted to be sorry. But I cannot be. I am happy, sad and immensely grateful. I've never been attached to his physical form, never wanted to be. Never cared to. It was all about love and a way of life. Swami allowed me his darshan and graced me with intense stares... blanking my mind! & it was then I re-affirmed my belief that 'I don't need to see you again... I am happy with just this once'

Once... was my Karma. Thank you Swami!

2011-04-22T15:30:00.000-04:00

My Zahir... A soul recognition, a mind tortured with our bodies removed & this heart beats alone. It shouldn't be...

Happy 420

2011-04-20T16:39:00.002-04:00

Gonez tro

2011-04-16T01:25:00.002-04:00

Ha! I want to scream!! and laugh... and cry..... all at the same time!
My hands..... oh my hands are sweaty!

I love you and I want to slam my head into yours, so it hurts us equally

That and many other non-violent things as well

Say goodnight

2011-04-14T23:44:00.001-04:00

I'm tired... I know, I've got to be tired. My body and mind have been going through some extra strain lately, so it's only logical that I would be tired... right?

But why am I so ... (afraid?) to go up to bed right now? I know I need to sleep. But just the thought of heading upstairs, alone... lying on bed, alone... with my brain

Yet at the same time, I'm not exactly communicating to say I'm covered in company.
There is something scary about ending a night. But I know I can start a new day tomorrow.
I just need to end tonight... let it go

Let's drive & operate heavy machinery

2011-04-12T01:01:00.001-04:00

I was asked today to take the car & go pick up my uncle since he had no transport to get by us (and no one home here was available)

I grabbed my bag and keys and got out the house w/o even changing my flour covered home clothes or washing the grime off my face. I couldn't let that chance be taken away by a change of mind after time.

The realization that came after was profound!!! How amazingly liberating it feels, to drive... ALONE! Just myself in the car, a/c on ... but not even the radio. Just me, alone behind the wheel. No nagging voices and quarrelling that passes off as discussion. No co-pilot freaking out on my behalf and transferring their nervousness. I always second guess myself and think that maybe I would never really find my driving groove. That maybe I will always be nervous.

But today I drove alone... and I was okie... I was at peace... I was happy.... and it was the best I'd ever driven in my life!

Can you feel it?

2011-04-11T00:18:00.000-04:00

"...Learn to detach.”

…

But wait, I said. Aren’t you always talking about experiencing life? All the good emotions, all the bad ones?

“Yes.”

Well, how can you do that if you’re detached?”

“… detachment doesn’t mean you don’t let the experience *penetrate* you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate you *fully*. That’s how you are able to leave it.

…

Take any emotion – love for a woman, or grief for a loved one…. if you hold back on the emotions – if you don’t allow yourself to go all the way through them – you can never get to being detached, you’re too busy being afraid. You’re afraid of the pain, you’re afraid of the grief. You’re afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails.

But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. … I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.”

I thought about how often this was needed in everyday life. How we feel lonely, sometimes to the point of tears, but we don't let those tears come because we are not supposed to cry. Or how we feel a surge of love for a partner but we don't say anything because we are frozen with the fear of what those words might do to the relationship.

- Morrie's approach was exactly the opposite. Turn on the faucet. Wash yourself with the emotion. It won't hurt you. It will only help.

Care doesn't have an on button

2011-04-10T01:31:00.004-04:00

Omg, I can't do it.
I was 'this close' ... THIS close from just pressing that button and feeling layers of my pride be ripped away with the echo of each unanswered pause.
I want to share all this with you. I want to tell you about this great news! How much it scares me and excites me. I want to tell you how funny it was, how it all came to be.
I want to tell you the story of my day! Of being stranded in town, with no money, no phone and no car... of all the things I felt and thought and how the entire day played out. How I got escorted by police to a car that I wasn't even driving and was made to pretend I was. I want to share all of this...
But I didn't. Because it's not enough. Why? Because what I really want, is what I'm not going to get: I want you to laugh at me, laugh with me. I want you to tell me it's okie and scare me even more. I want you to listen... to understand...
I want you to care
But I cannot do that.
Sharing with you is half of what I want... you wanting me to share with you is the other half, that if absent, makes everything null and void. So... I let you drift by in silence...

(and God knows how much that kills me)
(it's not supposed to hurt this much)
(how can something hurt so much?)
(why do I hurt soooo bad?)

Waking like this...

2011-04-08T11:03:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning and conversations started replaying in my head. All sorts of things I wish I never heard
I started remembering my dreams, vaguely, but I was seeing bits and pieces.
The world was in turmoil.. or maybe it had been. Hardly many ppl are left. It's dry, hot, very dusty.
I am afraid, but I am trying to be strong. I go looking for something, somewhere... a place to rest.
I am caught somehow... in a room lined with iron door panels which all move with a suction force inwards, one after the next... as if the air pressure in the room has changed. It has. I am sealed in. Trapped.
I open something and become aware that I am now contaminated. A monitor shows the bacteria/virus spreading onto my skin. Invisible to the naked eye.
A woman laughs. She LAUGHS at me. She has done this.
But I don't believe I will fall ill like all the others who perished before me.
Some part of me knows that I am indestructible.

Back to the conversations in my head now. I woke up sad. Sad that I have lost respect and admiration for someone. Now I'm weary. I woke up and I just feel sick inside... I just want to cry. Need to.... but I can't... not right now.

I just called my doctor and made an appointment for tomorrow. I've waited long enough. I can barely hold on

????

2011-04-08T01:30:00.000-04:00

I want to
I don't
I want to
I don't
I need to
I don't know
I need to
I don't know
I cannot understand
I don't want to understand
I need to understand
I don't need to understand
I can't
I have to
I can't
I have to
I don't want to!
I want to!
I need to
I don't want to!
I Don't Know!
I do know
I know
I know
Nothing

Oh FMS

2011-04-07T23:47:00.000-04:00

I enter... heart racing, hands cold

Smile on my lips

Fear in my eyes

I am beautiful

Everyone is looking at me

Everyone is talking to me

But...

All I see is you

Heart racing, hands wet

My face is still

My voice swallowed

I am SCREAMING inside

Screaming

Begging

Praying

I am quiet

I am screwed

I don't want to lose you

2011-04-07T01:45:00.001-04:00

I've never re-blogged anything before... but this one hit me SO hard and SO close to home... I won't even bother to explain beyond just sharing it as it is...

"Sometimes you forgive people just for the simple fact that you still want them to be in your life.”

It’s a quote that has been plaguing me for lack of a better word for the better half of two days. Some pretty simple words save for the word “forgive” which is pretty poignant and powerful all on its own, but strung together to become a significant sentence.

Needless to say, that one phrase has been repeating itself on a constant loop over and over in my head, looming over me like the metaphorical rainy cloud everywhere I go with no umbrella in sight.

How is it, as complex creatures of this earth, born with the capacity to mull things over and analyze them with a hopeful resolution, that it is so difficult to bring some sense of coherence to a statement like this? When I say coherence I don’t mean logical sense because it is a phrase that is true in its entirety, but rather coherence in the sense that we understand, yet do nothing to rectify the emotional turmoil to which it’s attached.

Why forgive people just to keep them as permanent fixtures in your life? We forgive but never forget. We forgive while simultaneously massacring our entire self worth and dignity.

Permanent reminders of emotional scars are eternally embedded all because bad choices are made, founded on weak moments of selective memories of good times.

I think human nature is synonymous with masochism.

We delude ourselves into thinking things could improve, and smile when we ought to be solemnly vowing that it will never happen again. Blaming anyone but yourself for this is absurd and irrational to say the least because we allow persons to think it’s ok because they will be forgiven.

They will always be the bad habit that we return to.

Written by 'Word Bits' to whom all credit goes to

Let me go

2011-03-31T23:12:00.000-04:00

I'm disturbed. It really seriously worries me how narrow minded and oblivious you are to it... and how much control you have and want... and how much impact you've made and continue to make... and how much fear it creates ... and how much it HOLDS ME DOWN

"Love is trusting, love is honest, love is not that hand that holds you down"

Junkie

2011-03-25T20:17:00.000-04:00

In an almost 11hr long flight from Trinidad to India, I finally saw the movie for one of my favorite books ever 'Eat Pray Love' by Elizabeth Gilbert... I was reminded of this quote which struck me then when I read it and now that I've seen the movie. I quote below:

"Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story. It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something you never even dared to admit that you wanted—an emotional speedball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement. Soon you start craving that intense attention, with the hungry obsession of any junkie. When the drug is withheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy and depleted (not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but who now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore—despite the fact that you know he has it hidden somewhere, goddamn it, because he used to give it to you for free). Next stage finds you skinny and shaking in a corner, certain only that you would sell your soul or rob your neighbors just to have that thing even one more time. Meanwhile, the object of your adoration has now become repulsed by you. He looks at you like you’re someone he’s never met before, much less someone he once loved with high passion. The irony is, you can hardly blame him. I mean, check yourself out. You’re a pathetic mess, unrecognizable even to your own eyes. So that’s it. You have now reached infatuation’s final destination—the complete and merciless devaluation of self."

Distance

2011-03-25T00:26:00.000-04:00

What's more depressing than the overall vibe of that adventure, is coming home to feel just as depressed as I was before :-\ I'm almost angry at myself.

"Distance to love is like wind to a flame; it extinguishes the small and ignites the great"

Shhh in India

2011-03-14T01:21:00.000-04:00

I am in Delhi... for a few more hours.
There is so much I can say about this. So much I can say about this entire trip thus far. So much...
But very little. Because half of what I think I will probably not say.
And you... where are you? Right there. There...

Swoon

2011-02-23T07:17:00.000-04:00

I woke up to the vague sound of knocking... I thought for a moment, maybe wishfully that it was just a dream.
More knocking and a voice... then silence.
I opened my eyes and lay there waiting for the ceiling to stop moving, for the walls to stop merging at the corners and the bed to stop spinning
Wow... I'm typing this and I'm swooning... I feel like my chair is on a raft, lulling off into the wide open sea...

10 hours into landing in Bangalore, India... what the yam going on? lol I'm on a private high!

Off to India

2011-02-22T06:20:00.001-04:00

Hmmm...

I'm sorry...♥

2011-02-18T07:23:00.006-04:00

I've just finished working on the 8th Bi-annual West Indian Newsletter ...

I've been sitting here for the last 8 hours...

As I finally shift off autopilot... this song starts playing

I'm reduced to tears :'( ... (It's over - I love you)

Now I know

2011-02-17T02:54:00.002-04:00

Except from Many Lives, Many Masters by Dr. Brian Weiss

"I believed it concerned the fear of death, which is the fear
deep within the volcano. The fear of death, that hidden, constant fear
that no amount of money or power can neutralize-this is the core. But
if people knew that "life is endless; so we never die; we were never
really born," then this fear would dissolve. If they knew that they had
lived countless times before and would live countless times again,
how reassured they would feel. If they knew that spirits were around
to help them while they were in physical state and that after death,
in spiritual state, they would join these spirits, including their
deceased loved ones, how comforted they would be. If they knew
that guardian "angels" really did exist, how much safer they would
feel. If they knew that acts of violence and injustices against people
did not go unnoted, but had to be repaid in kind in other lifetimes,
how much less anger and desire for vengeance they would harbor.
And if indeed, "by knowledge we approach God," of what use are
material possessions, or power, when they are an end in themselves
and not a means to that approach? To be greedy or power-hungry
has no value whatsoever.
But how to reach people with this knowledge?"

Captain Carnavel - Be A Pilot!

2011-02-06T14:35:00.002-04:00

If my life were a story, I would tell it at night

2011-02-06T02:31:00.001-04:00

I've always been nocturnal. I think it is one of the few things I knew for sure from very young, i.e, I can not only easily stay awake late at nights, but I liked to. What I did not know, was that it was 'unnatural' or frowned upon... until one day in school when I was about 11yo, my teacher had asked the entire class what time they normally went to bed, or something along those lines. I remember everyone answering in unison, all blurting their responses with eagerness befitting our age and I remember my answer being 11pm. My teacher then expressed unmasked shock and disapproval at what was apparently a very late hour to be going to bed. Maybe I knew before, or maybe I didn't, but that was the first real moment that I become painfully aware that 'maybe the night thing really isn't that normal after all'.

Nowadays, that is prolly normal.
But this was the 90's... the internet and cell phone age hadn't graced my house as yet and we didn't have cable t.v. ... What was I doing up that late anyway?
Reading most likely

Anyways, as I entered my teenage years, I remember keeping a 'sleep log'. It was a legal sized lined sheet, stuck to my wall by the light switch with 3 columns drawn up. One for the date, one the time I went to sleep and the last for the time I woke up. Suffice to say, the hours I ended my day with were always of the a.m variety ... despite having to wake up to go to school at a normal expected time. I found it interesting... noting my patterns. Right now I cannot remember why I did that, or what I eventually learned from it. I just liked the structure, the documentation and the statistical view of things. I guess that's something I never grew out of... prolly never will.

There is no point to this entry really, other than the fact that its 2:30am... another a.m. hour of the night and I chose to think and type rather than sleep...

Best of you

2011-01-24T01:37:00.002-04:00

I came here to write about something totally different. But as my lappie was starting up and I was getting comfy on bed, the strangest string of thoughts started piecing together in my head and I just must let my fingers translate them.

The following words popped into my mind "No one can love you more than I do"
It's a beautiful statement... but it irks me. I would like to say that, but I can't.

Honestly, how can we really know if there is someone out there capable of loving the person that we love, 'more' than we do? It's an absurd assumption, but for the person saying it, it relays a much deeper and indirect message.

"No one can love you more than I do" is of the connotation that the person we love is wrong to try to find love somewhere else... from someone else, since after all, no one can love them more! How can we tell someone that? Why prevent someone from searching for more with the promise that more does not exist? There is fear. There is insecurity. There is emotional misleading (albeit, we may not even be aware).

I think in essence, what we really mean to say... the message we're trying so hard not to lay down bare in front the other is "I cannot love anyone more than I love you". It's not that the person cannot be loved by another, but that we cannot love another as we love them.... and that my friends, is an agonizing prospect. You want no one else because this person has and will always have the best of you.

It also brings with it a bitter sweet sense of solace There's no reason behind it... after all, with love, is there ever really?

Touch your nose. Now can you imagine not being able to do that?

2011-01-12T06:11:00.002-04:00

I went to the hospital yesterday for some x-rays and a post-op check up.
Yesterday has been one of the best days of my life thus far!!!

I can barely find words to properly describe this experience. I will start where my day started and digress a bit to the preamble.

I woke up from a dream shortly before 4am and I absentmindedly scratched at something tickling my face... then I became fully alert 'I can touch my face!' ... Yes folks, for the previous 2 days, my right elbow was that iffy that it could not bend beyond a 90 degrees, thus making it impossible to reach my own face/neck/head. Can you imagine what that is like?

For 2 days, I would instinctively reach towards my face to rub my eye, or I would pick up a snack/spoon/fork to put into my mouth, or I would try to sweep some stray hair from across my cheek and each time my hand would stop mid point (with pain as well of course) ... so for 2 days I had to eat with my left hand, hold my phone with my left hand, wash my face with my left hand and attempt the impossible task of brushing my teeth with my left hand. I even had my mom tie my hair into a pony tail because I couldn't.

So back to my 4am waking... I can touch my face!!! I kissed my hand!!! I kissed it with so much love. Thank you soooo much! Just 4 short hours into sleeping and I awake with the pain and stiffness gone! :)

Despite an early start, I arrived at the hospital pretty late (I really should start back driving)... But I didn't mind...

(Forgive me, for I need to stop here... I will continue this later)

PS: This suddenly reminds me of a story I heard once about what it must be like in Hell. People sitting at a table, full of food! A feast!! but their arms are outstretched and unable to reach their mouths... That is pretty torturous imho.

I love today

2011-01-11T21:55:00.002-04:00

I had a wonderful day today!!!!
With each step I took, I just beamed with happiness, awe and appreciation :)

The Zahir - Do we really think about it?

2011-01-08T12:39:00.007-04:00

My initial reaction was a defense 'what? this man have it backwards!... maybe it got mixed up in translation'

I re-read it, knowing it was intentional. Then oddly enough, the following quote really did strike me & I had to admit to its relevance according to my own experience thus far:

Our true friends are those who are with us when the good things happen. They cheer us on and are pleased by our triumphs. False friends only appear at difficult times, with their sad, supportive faces, when, in fact, our suffering is serving to console them for their miserable lives

Paulo Coelho

The Zahir.

I am not a cynic in the least. I just observe
.................................................................................................

Finally, another quote...

The all-powerful Zahir seemed to be born with every human being and to gain full strength in childhood, imposing rules that would thereafter always be respected:

People who are different are dangerous; they belong to another tribe; they want our lands and our women.

We must marry, we are authorised to take possession of another person, body and soul.

We must do jobs we detest because we are part of an organised society, and if everyone did what they wanted to do, the world would come to a standstill.

We must buy jewellery; it identifies us with our tribe, just as body-piercing identifies those of a different tribe.

We must be amusing at all times and sneer at those who express their real feelings; it`s dangerous for a tribe to allow its members to show their feelings.

We must at all costs avoid saying “No” because people prefer those who always say “Yes”, and this allows us to survive in hostile teritory.

What other people think is more important than what we feel.

Never make a fuss, it might attract the attention of an enemy tribe.

If you behave differently, you will be expelled from the tribe because you could infect others and destroy something that was extremely difficult to organise in the first place.

We must always consider the look of our new cave, and if we don`t have a clear idea of our own, then we must call in a decorator who will do his best to show others what good taste we have.

We must eat three meals a day, even if we`re not hungry, and when we fail to fit the current ideal of beauty we must fast, even if we`re starving.

We must dress according to the dictates of fashion, make love whether we feel like it or not, kill in the name of out country`s frontiers, wish time away so that retirement comes more quickly, elect politicians, complain about the cost of living, change our hairstyle, criticise anyone who is different, go to a religious service on Sunday, Saturday or Friday, depending on our religion, and there beg forgiveness for our sins and puff ourselves up with pride because we know the truth and despise the other tribe, who worship a false god.

Our children must follow in our footsteps; after all, we are older and know about the world.

We must have a university degree even if we never get a job in the area of knowledge we were forced to study.

We must study things that we will never use, but which someone told us was important to know: algebra, trigonometry, the code of Hammurabi.

We must never make our parents sad, even if this means giving up everything that makes us happy.

We must play music quietly, talk quietly, weep in private, because I am the all-powerful Zahir, who lays down the rules and determines the distance between railway tracks, the meaning of success, the best way to love, the importance of rewards.

Like I said, it's a realists view... not cynical, just sad, but true

The pdf copy of this book is available here: *click me*

Random book challenge for 2011

2011-01-04T16:51:00.003-04:00

Hosted by Life with books <---- go here to enter
This should be fun! :)

Several of you asked if I’d be hosting the Take A Chance Challenge again. At first, I wasn’t sure, but once I started thinking about it, I got all excited. So here are the details for the 2011 version of the challenge.

Basic Information

The concept of the challenge is to take chances with your reading by finding books to read in unusual or random ways. I’ve listed 10 different ways to find books below. Feel free to complete at many as you want. However, anyone completing all 10 challenges by December 31, 2011 will be entered in a prize drawing to win a book of their choice from Amazon.

The challenge will run from January 1, 2011 until December 31, 2011.

Crossover books from other challenges is fine. You can read books in any format.

On January 1, 2011, I will post pages for each of the 10 challenges so you can link up your completed posts.

The 2011 Challenges

1: Staff Member’s Choice: Go to a bookstore or library that has a “Staff Picks” section. Read one of the picks from that section.

2: Loved One’s Choice: Ask a loved one to pick a book for you to read. (If you can convince them to buy it for you, that is even better!)

3: Blogger’s Choice: Find a “Best Books Read” post from a favorite blogger. Read a book from their list.

4: Critic’s Choice: Find a “Best of the Year” list from a magazine, newspaper or professional critic. Read a book from their Top 10 list.

5: Blurb Book: Find a book that has a blurb on it from another author. Read a book by the author that wrote the blurb.

6: Book Seer Pick: Go to The Book Seer and follow the instructions there. Read a book from the list it generates for you.

7: What Should I Read Next Pick : Go to What Should I Read Next and follow the instructions there. Read a book from the list it generates for you.

8: Which Book Pick: Go to Which Book and use the software to generate a list of books. Read a book from that list.

9: LibraryThing Pick: Go to LibraryThing’s Zeitgeist page. Look at the lists for 25 Most Reviewed Books or Top Books and pick a book you’ve never read. Read the book. (Yes … you can click on MORE if you have to.)

10: Pick A Method: Pick a method for finding a book from the choices listed below (used in previous versions of the challenge).

Random Book Selection. Go to the library. Position yourself in a section such as Fiction, Non-Fiction, Mystery, Children (whatever section you want). Then write down random directions for yourself (for example, third row, second shelf, fifth book from right). Follow your directions and see what book you find. Check that book out of the library, read it and then write about it. (If you prefer, you can do the same at a bookstore and buy the book!)
Public Spying. Find someone who is reading a book in public. Find out what book they are reading and then read the same book. Write about it.
Random Bestseller. Go to Random.org and, using the True Random Number Generator, enter the number 1950 for the min. and 2010 for the max. and then hit generate. Then go to this site and find the year that Random.org generated for you and click on it. Then find the bestseller list for the week that would contain your birthday for that year. Choose one of the bestsellers from the list that comes up, read it and write about it.

Wait for me my loves... my dear books

2011-01-04T10:02:00.001-04:00

I believe it was the week before Christmas 2010 that I was casually strolling through the isles of Nigel R Khan book store in Gulf. Of course it seemed like a casual stroll, when in reality I was a hyper little bunny who couldn't keep my eager hands off the brand new books which in turn couldn't keep their eyes off me. We have an interesting relationship, books and I.

A fellow patron and myself ended up in conversation where she started recommending books for me. Imagine my eager responses! She was quite passionate about the J.D. Robb series. In addition to never reading a J.D. Robb book, I've never even read a Nora Roberts (both are the same author btw). I found this entire encounter really interesting and very refreshing. It was so nice talking to a random stranger who shared a passion for books as much as I do. There wasn't an ounce of 'boasting' in her tone or vibe, she was genuinely recommending books and talking about them. Even when she reached into her bag and pulled out her iPad (omg she has an iPad) ... she really wanted to show me the books she had stored on it and how awesome it was to read e-books. She even had a kindle! (not on her @ the moment though)

Clearly she was from foreign... so I helped direct her to a spot in the mall where she can get wireless connection and we went our separate ways.

Now a few short weeks later, I find myself actually seriously considering the possibility of purchasing a kindle myself. I remember when it first came out, how amazed and scared I was at the same time. I immediately thought that that was something I could never possibly own. I was also afraid of the idea of using an e-reader and not having the paper books in my hands. But now... the kindle has wireless and I can download books for free! The free-ness, sad to say, is the definitive factor in this change of mind. I think it was the idea of actually buying a book that I couldn't see, hold, smell and cradle in my lap that made me nervous before.

Anyways, I think I will buy one. I have however decided to not be hasty since I have a lot of actual real books sitting on my shelves, waiting to be read. I think the wait would make the gratification even sweeter. Plus I won't feel guilty about my investment by having my un-read books watch me with those sad sad eyes...

2011 has met me half way :)

2011-01-02T13:55:00.000-04:00

2009 going into 2010 I set it in my mind that according to my own timing, the following year in Tunks world is gonna consist of 2 years in the Gregorian calender. So this, the beginning of 2011... is but my half way point!

There is much I can say now about the 1st half of this journey I'm on but I think I will revisit it later.

For now, just for good measure, I would like to reflect on an entry I shared exactly 4 years ago; the basic sentiments of which I believe still stands:

The clock striked 12...It officially brought in the New Year 2007. It’s amazing that just a concept of numbers, time and expectation of ramifications of the latter, could bring about such a sudden and drastic change in mentality and moods world wide!

Considering the lawlessness and undercurrent of panic that seeps into every family, in every home and into everyone's heart...maybe we need more than 1 declared 'new year' per year. Let's make it a new year every month, or even better, let’s delight in positivity and hopefulness each and every morning! Why not celebrate the rising of the sun every day? Obviously we're not going to drink 'till we can't remember our names and create fog in a Caribbean island with countless Fireworks going off every night...but we can carry that feeling within us, every day. Awake with our daily resolutions, the joy of a new beginning or the improvement of a current endeavor. Out with the pain and regret and grudges... and in with the pure essence of love, happiness and overall peace of mind, in our homes, communities, societies, countries and in the world throughout!

Happy New Day!

Where am I?

2010-12-26T21:34:00.000-04:00

Where the hell am I?
Where do I want to be?
Am I somewhere special? Does this special make me out of the normz scene? Do I wanna be in the normz scene? Does special make me less or more?
Where am I? Does wanting more normz make me less special?
What if I want both?
What if I want the frequency of normz and the exclusivity of special?
What if I cannot get both?
Where am I in all of this?

Believe, in the resolute urgency of now

2010-12-03T02:26:00.002-04:00

Omg... I just realized that I just might be insane!

It is said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result... then by golly I've totally lost my mind!! I've lost my mind months now! ..... what have I been doing? The SAME thing, that's what! I'm being serious here... this is not a satirical rant.... it's an actual realization. It's so commonplace, this little saying... but it's only now that it's really hit home.

Think about it! We do the same thing over and over... we keep being 'ourselves'... we stay within our box of comfort and expect things/ppl around us to change. We cross our fingers hoping that 'this time' the circumstances would be different such that the reactions would be different; preferably in our favor. We hope that 'this time' it finally works....

But omg... I need to do something different than what I have been doing. And what have I been doing? Nothing... just waiting. I need to actually do something. I know, I've been told this innumerable times and I would find innumerable excuses to justify why I just can't... but truth is, I can. I am just deathly afraid.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

Time just goes on, flows, day after day, week after week... and I cannot get that back. Never could. Time doesn't care that you're waiting for it... its what you do in the mean while that makes the difference.

I cannot wake up one day to regret... I won't allow it... I won't be able to live with it.
This love is anything but complacent... why am I muffling it's voice?

2010-12-01T01:25:00.001-04:00

This heaviness hurts too much.
You're a hollow hole filled with everything I want and layers of disappointment and fear.
I hate that I find myself needing you

Words Unspoken

Start your new chapter

My days are lovely, painful; you hurt me and I love you

Tea and Books Reading Challenge

Believe in Love

The Last Apprentice (Book Review)

This sickness

Why?

I think I should give up the Ghost

Dark Sessions

Dark Sessions - Couldn't help but be captivated by this picture. You can see the blogger's complete works from that session here: http://laperm.wordpress.com/2012/01/06/dark-sessions/

HATE me

Paper in my throat

A rant allowed

I will let you down

What have I become?My sweetest friendEveryone I knowGoes away in the end

A Girl You Should Date

A Girl You Should Date

A Christmas Carol

I read this book countless times as a kid! Now that I'm a big girl now, I figure I should read the original, unabridged version with all the beautiful literary prose of the 1840's :) - My Christmas treat to myself. Who's with me? (it's free on kindle) - Click Me

Dear Ma

This is so me

Grrrrrrr

Tomorrow

That Perfect Moment

An honest glimpse

Sputnik Sweetheart

My First Night in Milner

My First Night in Milner

Genius

Some things are better left unknown

Panic... Don't

Huggup pillow

Suffer no more

I want to email you

Break in the banks

4 days later

I know you loved to check my blog

I made Fat my friend

The Smiths - Asleep

Someday I would be a flower...

I disappear

Maybe I won't stop till I get it right

The Perks of being a Wallflower

The Verve Pipe - The Freshmen (Boyce Avenue acoustic cover)

The Calm

Dear Universe

THIS is all in living

Part of a letter to a friend

Let me be

Alien Ant Farm - Attitude

The never ending cycle

If your fear becomes a wordless darkness...

I sink into myself

Fight me

The Knife - Live - Heartbeats

Black Hole

Am I high?

Dilated

You gave me something that I didn't have

Progress... Tragedy

You attract what you fear

Mute May

Your physical form is no more

My Zahir... A soul recognition, a mind tortured with our bodies removed & this heart beats alone. It shouldn't be...

Happy 420

Gonez tro

Say goodnight

Let's drive & operate heavy machinery

Can you feel it?

Care doesn't have an on button

Waking like this...

????

Oh FMS

I don't want to lose you

Let me go

Junkie

Distance

Shhh in India

Swoon

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end